The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[wormholeman]

http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/physicsjokes.html

[herpguy]

hehe some of those were funny

[aj47]

[url']http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/physicsjokes.html[/url]

 

Most of those were terrible but I liked this one lol

 

Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?

 

 

A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

[Miss Perfect]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

 

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

 

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

 

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

 

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

 

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[chemfreak]

i think this is it

 

a atom walked in a bar and said he thinks he lost his proton and his bud says are ya shure , the atom says"hes positive"

 

its stupid and probably scientificly incorrect but if ya no the correct way pm me

[1veedo]

Nah...

 

An atom walked into a bar and said, "I think I lost my electron."

The bar tender says, "Are you sure?"

The atom says, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

[Phi for All]

Looking for some laughs? Well, welcome to the club! Tonight in our audience is a great Moderator, Mokele. And before you ask, those aren't bearded dragons on his cheeks, they're sideburns! He's a world famous herpetologist and has traveled the world studying cold sores of all kinds. His troll-slaying duties as a Moderator keep him very busy when he's not playing with his lizard. Mokele's hobbies include quiet orgies on the beach, long walks off short piers and destroying downtown Tokyo. He and his girlfriend are looking forward to roasting creationists on an open fire for Christmas this year. Mokele's motto? It's cool to be cold-blooded!

[deltanova]

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a friut. wisdom is not putting it in a friut salad.

[why?]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[ecoli]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked' date=' "Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."[/quote']

 

HAha... I laughed my ass off. Thanks for that one.

[Phi for All]

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces, "This is the most talented octopus in the world. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

 

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

 

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" the man whispered to the octopus.

 

"Play it?" asked the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

[Phi for All]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

 

She always wore miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

 

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

 

Lo and behold, my entire future family including my fiance was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

 

I learned a valuable lesson that day: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Phi for All]

A young man and an old man were having lunch. The young man asked, "So what do you do all day now that you're retired?"

 

The old man said, "Well, I try to have a little fun each day. For example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

 

"He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote."

 

The old man chuckled and said, "Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus."

[why?]

This guy goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor shows him an inkblot and asks him what it looks like.

 

"A naked woman." He shows him another inkblot and asks him the same question.

 

"A naked woman on a bed."

 

"You're a sick pervert!" the psychiatrist exclaims.

 

"I'm not the pervert. You keep showing me all these filthy pictures!"

[why?]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

 

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

 

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

 

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

 

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

 

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

 

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

 

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

 

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

[why?]

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, ''If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' With even greater emphasis he said, ''And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' And then finally, he said, ''And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, ''For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'''

[why?]

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

 

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

 

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

 

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

 

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

 

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

 

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he''s on ecstasy!"

[lepidoptera]

two cows are walking in a field.

One cow looks over to the other and says "hey, man. ya hear about that mad cow disease?"

the other cow says, "yeah! makes me glad I'm a penguin."

[Phi for All]

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day. For those who have trouble telling them apart, one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of scant intelligence for a forecast of future events, and the other involves a groundhog.   This has been Views on the News, please resume thinking.

[gisburnuk]

Here goes. Ask a freind to say the word 'SILK' twenty times.

After you freind has completed saying 'SILK' twenty times ask your freind this simple question: What do cows drink? And sure enough they will say 'milk'! They will soon realise that this isn't true and that cows actually drink water!

 

Another English joke.

 

A english man a scottishman and a irishman have been captured by german Nazis and they are lined up for execution.

As the soldiers line up and point the rifles towards them, the englishman shouts and points 'hurricane' and the soldiers behind (sees nothing) and the englishman jumps over the wall and escapes. The soldiers prepare to shoot and the scottishman shouts and points 'avalanche' and the soldiers look behind and the scottishman jumps over the wall and escapes.

The soldiers line up and prepare to shoot when the irishman shouts 'fire'.

[Rakdos]

A student of information theory on his first day at college. He had entered a strange, bizarre world. The only sounds were the occasional calling out of a number by one of the professors, followed by laughter. One professor would say '52', there would be a short pause then peels of laughter. Someone else says '713'. Same thing, everyone falls down laughing. "What's going on here" he asked his tutor.

 

"We're telling jokes" said his tutor.

 

 

"Telling Jokes?"

 

 

"Yes, you see we’ve all worked here so long we know each other's jokes. There are a thousand of them. So, being information theorists we applied data compression. We just assigned them all numbers, 0 thru 999. It saves a lot of time and effort. Would you like to try? Just say any number 0 to 999..."

 

 

He wasn't fully convinced. But he tried. Very quietly he whispered "477".

 

 

Hardly a murmur.

 

 

He looked at his tutor. "What's wrong" he said.

 

 

"Try again" says the tutor.

 

 

So he does. "318" - same again, not a thing, hardly a murmur.

 

 

"Something's wrong" he says.

 

 

"Well" says the tutor, it's like this.- It's not so much the joke as the way you tell it!"

 

 

There is a curious sequel to this story. This student eventually succeeded by accident in the most dramatic and unexpected way.He called out a number outside the range 0 to 999. "Minus 105" he said.

 

 

At first there was stunned amazement, then first one professor laughed, then another then another, till they were all rolling about holding their sides.

None of them had heard that one before.

[fanatic]

have any of you had campell's primordial soup, it's full of baloney

[JustStuit]

A quantum physicist is stopped on the highway by a police officer who asks "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?", to which the physicist responds, "No, but I know exactly where I am!".

[wpenrose]

...said "Erwin, what did you do to the cat? It's half dead."

[Norman Albers]

When you need to do something crazy from being tired of going nuts, make up book or movie titles that NEVER MADE IT. Give us your best three. Mine: "EXODUST" (Leon Uris); "THE CHARMED, THE STRANGE, AND THE UP-DOWN" (Gell-Mann); "THE BIBLE" (CRC Tables).