The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[LunarTick]

Please bear in mind my father is black and finds this joke funny.

 

Q.Why do Black people wear baggy trousers??

 

A.Because their Knee grows.

[aguy2]

When you need to do something crazy from being tired of going nuts, make up book or movie titles that NEVER MADE IT. Give us your best three. Mine: "EXODUST" (Leon Uris); "THE CHARMED, THE STRANGE, AND THE UP-DOWN" (Gell-Mann); "THE BIBLE" (CRC Tables).

 

"Terminator 4: The Peace"

aguy2

[Norman Albers]

1) Epsilon, Oh, Epsilon () 2) Dithering Bytes (Emily Bronte)

[YT2095]

a bear a Lion and a Chicken were in the woods discussing Who was the hardest and toughest, the bear says "well I`ve only got to growl and people will stop dead in their tracks, turn and run".

 

the Loin says "that`s nothing, I`ve only got to Roar and people will hear me a mile away and start running!"

 

the chicken pipes up "well I`ve only got to sneeze and the whole planet $hits itself".

------------------------

 

George Bush, has today sanctioned the Bombing of the Canary Islands as a precaution against Bird Flu!

[Norman Albers]

Let's be careful about the tone of this humor column!!! HERE IS A TRUE STORY: In my last year at Princeton I took complex analysis, taught by a Polish post-doc with a lovely accent. On a certain day he went to the green board, drew an asymptote of a function in the complex plane and said, "This is a simple pole." There was strange three seconds of silence after which we snickered. He did not appreciate this, and repeated, "THIS IS A SIMPLE POLE!!!" We could not contain ourselves, and finally after two more painful seconds he grinned and we laughed our butts off.

[Prashan_punk]

A man having HIV disease....Came in the group of 1245454 people

He had a syringe filled with his warm blood.....

He tried to inject the blood to other people but he could not...

He tried and tried and finally he transferred his blood in a doctor

 

 

The man laughed and said"Ha ha, now you will die of AIDS"

Doctor also laughed

The man said why are u laughing...

Doctor said---"B'COZ I'M WEARING A CONDUM!!!"

[Phi for All]

One winter morning in Iowa a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car.

 

A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week they were again having breakfast, ! When the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

 

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said. "Sweetie, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

[Phi for All]

An elderly couple walked into a fast food restaurant. The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half and placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

 

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine and they were used to sharing everything.

 

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. Again the old man said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

 

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man looked at the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

 

She smiled widely and said, "The teeth."

[Norman Albers]

A local country guitar player laid me down onstage with this: Why do they (blondes) wear ponytails?????????????????????? To hide the valvestem. Ba-da-boom. My 32 (!) Midwestern cousins will appreciate your humor, Phi!

[Tetrahedrite]

I enjoyed this a lot!

 

*New CDC Warning: GONORRHEA LECTIM

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.

 

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies toward evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

 

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas

[theMaharajah]

1 tequila

2 tequila

3 tequila

floor

 

 

a guy walks into a bar... ouch

 

 

I'm here all year folks

[Phi for All]

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

[Norman Albers]

I watched the owner of the Murphy Cafe showing a new employee (a tall Brunette) how to run the automatic coffee maker. It was plumbed with copper tubing so you didn't have to pour in the water yourself. They carefully went through the measuring of coffee into the filter basket. Then the owner said, "OK, start the coffee cycle." Gloriously water and steam came blowing out all over the hotplate with no pot underneath to catch anything. I gasped and totally lost it over the looks on their faces. No mention had been made of placing the pot. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. PHI, I think you missed your chance. You should have made the checker call for a price check! WWW

[Phi for All]

PHI, I think you missed your chance. You should have made the checker call for a price check! WWW

These are secondhand accounts I've heard about, thus the "allegedly" in the title. I love your suggestion but I could NEVER be that evil... unless the checker gave me an attitude.

 

 

 

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of printer paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

[aj47]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

 

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

 

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

 

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

 

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

 

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

 

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

 

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

 

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

[why?]

The pet store was selling monkeys for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. (I have a big car.) I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the stomachs. I laughed. They punched me in the stomach. I stopped laughing. I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its creativeness halfway into it's third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Darn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys. I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better. I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones. I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Jerks. So I punched them in the stomachs. I like monkeys.

 

PS.. how do you get a character?

No monkeys were hurt during the making of this joke!!

[Daecon]

No monkeys were hurt during the making of this joke!!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

 

Because it was dead.

[Norman Albers]

The 6,400-Angstrom Alpha (N. Hawthorne).........WEST SIDE CULTURAL ANISOTROPY (Leonard Bernstein)...

[kenshin]

Once a french came to England.He went to a fruit seller and asked him pointing towards an apple "What's that?".Fruit seller answered,"Sir,it's an apple."

French: So small!We have apples which weigh at least 1KG each.

 

French(pointing towards banana): What's that?

 

Fruit seller: Sir,it's a banana.

 

French: So small!In our country,a banana is at least a feet long.

 

French(pointing to a strawberry): What's that?

 

Fruit seller: Sir,its a strawberry.

 

French: So small!We have strawberry which weigh at least 1/2KG each.

 

French(pointing to a big watermelon):What's that?

 

Till now fruit seller has had enough.He replied "Sir,It's not for sale as it hasn't ripened,but,by the way,It's a grape."

[aj47]

SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

 

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

 

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

 

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

 

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

 

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.

 

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

 

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

 

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

 

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

 

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

[Phi for All]

Welcome to the club, ladies and gentlemen! I see jdurg is in the audience tonight. Besides being one of our Resident Experts in Chemistry, jdurg loves to golf. I actually caddied for him early Sunday morning before last and his game has really improved. He misses the ball much closer now. And jdurg is very committed to the game. He asked me if I thought playing golf on a Sunday was a sin and I told him, "The way you play, it's a sin ANY day!" He said, "You don't like my game?" and I replied, "It's OK, but I prefer golf!" The course manager kept getting on the loudspeaker asking jdurg to please tee off from the men's tees, NOT the ladies' tees. Finally I had to turn and yell, "Would you let the man take his second shot!?!" We finally got onto the fairway and he looked at the green and asked me if I thought he could get there with a five iron. I said, "Someday, maybe." He said he'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. I told him to try heaven, 'cause he'd already moved most of the earth. Many, many strokes later he said, "Would you stop looking at your watch, it's very distracting!" I said, "It's not a watch, it's a compass!" We lost his ball and when we finally found it he said, "This can't be my ball, it's too old!" I said, "Well, jdurg, it's been a long time since you teed off!" Then he proceeds to shank it right into the lake he's standing next to. He tells me he just wants to drown himself and I ask him, "You think you can keep your head down that long?" When we finished that evening he says I'm the worst caddy in the world. I tell him, "I don't think so, jdurg, that would be too much of a coincidence!"

[YT2095]

Epitaph:

 

Here lies an Athiest.

All dressed up, and no place to go

[Miss Perfect]

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read, "he declared.

"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to amke them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

 

 

 

 

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.

[why?]

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Aberdine

 

Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Aberdine

 

Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind. Love, Aberdine

 

Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Aberdine

 

Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All My love, Aberdine

 

Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Aberdine

 

John, What's with you and those F---ing birds? 7 Swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those F---ing birds already. Sincerely, Aberdine

 

Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 maids-a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass! Aberdeen

 

Hey shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours... Aberdine

 

You rotten prick! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night, along with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it. Venomously, Aberdine

 

Listen F---head: What's with the 11 lords a-leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, vicious, swine. Your sworn enemy, Aberdine

 

Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole - Attorneys at Law

[Callipygous]

this one might be US specific. im not sure how wide their reputation has spread...

 

 

how do you know if theres a marine at a party?

 

 

hell tell you.