The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[swansont]

A doctor is examining a teenage girl. He grabs his stethoscope and says to her, "Big breaths."

 

She replies, "Yeth, and I'm only thixthteen."

[Nevermore]

Yay! 100th reply!

 

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?

 

A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert.

[Pangloss]

Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

 

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"

6. Family coming to stay with you

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling

4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities

3. Days off from work

2. Candles

 

And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...

 

At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

[gcol]

Directional sign at a U.K. hospital:

(I have the photo to prove it)

 

Family planning advice

Use rear entrance

[aj47]

Directional sign at a U.K. hospital:

(I have the photo to prove it)

 

Family planning advice

Use rear entrance

 

A classic one my friend saw was 'bargain basement, upstairs!'

[Norman Albers]

Many of you will be happy as I to hear that help is now available to people who talk too much. There's an organization called "Onandonanon".

[Phi for All]

SFN's very own Gilded wanted to have sex with a girl at work but she had a boyfriend. She kept turning him down. One day Gilded got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a US$100 if you let me have sex with you."

 

The girl said "Absolutely NOT!"

 

Gilded said, "I'll promise to be really fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

 

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to ask her boyfriend. She called him and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast and he won't even be able to get his pants down. Call me back when you have the cash and we'll go party". The girl goes back to Gilded and agrees at double the price.

 

After fifteen minutes the boyfriend calls the girl but gets no answer. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still calling. Finally, after an hour, the boyfriend gets through and asks what happened. The girl is out of breath but manages to gasp, "The bastard used quarters!"

 

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D:D :D

[Gilded]

ROFL. I was waiting for new posts (as I have no life) and saw a new one in GD, more specifically by Phi for All and thought "Hey, I wonder if he's made fun of me again" and whoah, I must be a psychic. Or an easy target.

 

Gilded was walking down the road when he noticed Phi for All whose head had gotten very small for some reason. Gilded walked up to Phi and asked "Hey, what has happened to your head?"

 

Phi explained, "One day I was fishing on the pier when I got a huge bite... And, I said to myself, 'I've caught a whale!' But, when I reeled it up, to my surprise, it was a gorgeous mermaid! Well, she looked at me in tremendous fright and said she'd grant me one wish if I let her free..."

 

"And?" Gilded asked. "Well, after some quick thought, I looked at her and said, 'How 'bout a little head?'"

[Pangloss]

WASHINGTON, DC—After months of aggressive campaigning and with nearly 99 percent of ballots counted, politicians were the big winners in Tuesday's midterm election, taking all 435 seats in the House of Representatives, retaining a majority with 100 out of 100 seats in the Senate, and pushing political candidates to victory in each of the 36 gubernatorial races up for grabs.

 

"Even in the most hotly contested local races that went down to the wire, politicians still came out on top every time," she added.

 

"It looks like politicians are poised to dominate the political discourse of the country for years to come," said analyst Maria Lawson of the Free Enterprise Institute, who as long ago as December of 2004 had picked congressmen to once again take over the House of Representatives. "This should allow them to pursue their own political agendas almost unimpeded, sign even more bills into law, and appoint fellow politicians to committee chairmanships, special interest commissions, and other posts of power."

 

Added Lawson: "While it's still too early to tell, after the success of this election, it might not be too long before we see another politician in the White House."

 

Despite fears that the dozens of campaign-finance violations, soft-money misappropriations, infidelity charges, hidden drunk-driving records, and protracted congressional cover-ups leaked just days before the election would hurt their chances, politicians were still elected over non-politicians in every single race.

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54918

[Norman Albers]

Never forget the three fundamental oxymorons: military intelligence, Irish music, and Congressional oversight.

[Pangloss]

From Saturday Night Live:

 

"Nancy Pelosi, the likely Speaker of the House, had lunch at the White House Thursday with President Bush. Though, just to rub things in, she left early to have an abortion."

[Pangloss]

Post-Purchase Deity Evaluation Form

[TOAWNIF]

Is someone who makes allegations an Allegator?

 

 

:eek:

[TOAWNIF]

I have recently invented the Line Of Sight Transporter which is designed around the principle that light travels in a roughly straight line and depends on the fact that light has already made the journey so is therefore instantaneous. All that is required is for a volunteer to travel to one of the nearest stars and build the receiving station.

 

Are there any takers?

 

 

 

[Norman Albers]

Respect is the beginning of civilization; sanitation is the cornerstone.

[TOAWNIF]

Not mine but somebody's

 

 

Heaven is where..

The British are the policemen..

The French are the cooks..

The Italians are the lovers..

and the Swiss are the bankers.

 

Hell is where

The British are the cooks..

The French are the policemen..

The Italians are the bankers...

and the Swiss are the lovers

 

[Pangloss]

"Small" consolation for those whose jobs were outsourced to India:

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6161691.stm

[Phi for All]

"Small" consolation for those whose jobs were outsourced to India:

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6161691.stm

If you won't eat cows you won't get your bovine growth hormone....

[TOAWNIF]

Respect is the beginning of civilization; sanitation is the cornerstone.

 

The sanitation runs under the cornerstone in my civilisation.

[Dr. Dalek]

The advantage of having a mobile home is that if its on fire you can meet the fire truck half way.

[YT2095]

What`s the most tasteful Element?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Yumium

[Phi for All]

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Please paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,

and a gold Rolex.”

 

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied.

 

“I know,” she said. “If I die before my husband and he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

[Phi for All]

According to informed sources, Gerber baby food didn't sell well at first in Africa. Gerber used the same label with a smiling baby on it and in Africa, where many people can't read, the convention is to put a picture of what's inside on the label.

 

Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as, “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate”.

 

The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read, “Are you lactating?”

[Phi for All]

A beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went over one day and asked him his secret. “It’s really quite simple,” the man explained. “Twice each day in the morning and in the evening I expose myself in front of the tomaotes and they turn red with embarrassment.”

 

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and exposed herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. “So,” he asked, “Any luck with your tomatoes?”

 

“No,” she replied excitedly, “but you should see the size of my cucumbers!!”

[carol]

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm

bears.

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of

our family holidays in Customs.

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,

then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're

trained for that.