Pangloss Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Ireland. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Paralith Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 What does the elephant say to the naked man? "Gosh, it's cute, but can you really breathe out of that thing?" =p
Pangloss Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Romance is like chess. One false move and you're mated!
Norman Albers Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Some Western writer in a second marriage said, "I treat holidays with the same due respect I give rattlesnakes."
Diana Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 More of a comment....not a joke, per se: Of all the things they could have made stainless, they picked steel - something I'll never have a shirt made of.
Tom Mattson Posted May 22, 2007 Posted May 22, 2007 A blonde is told by her doctor that she's pregnant. She promptly asks, "Is it mine?" ba-dum-bump.
helloween Posted May 29, 2007 Posted May 29, 2007 on christmas eve a child asks santa for gift. Child: Santa , santa i want brother. Santa: Oh boy , oh boy bring your mother!
YT2095 Posted May 29, 2007 Author Posted May 29, 2007 A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out, replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out." "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
Pangloss Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Math 1950-2006 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: 1. Teaching Math In 1950 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Math In 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Math In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990 A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.) 6. Teaching Math In 2006 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
Callipygous Posted May 30, 2007 Posted May 30, 2007 Math 1950-2006 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? i hate to bring seriousness to an obvious joke, but often times the confusion comes in not understanding how the register works. when they first put you in front of the register they tell you what buttons do what, and thats it. after that you just do your best to keep up with the customers orders without making some stupid mistake that is going to get them coming back complaining to your manager about the tomato on their burger. there are certain parts of the transaction where, to undo it, you need to call over a manager and have them use a code to let you redo the transaction. so if she already typed in the amount you gave her and you hand her more money, and shes new to using the register, she may just be confused as to exactly what needs to be done as far as the register is concerned, not what your change should be. if she had time to think about it, shed realize the register doesnt need to know what exactly went in and out, as long as the right amount of money ends up in there, but when your first thrown into the job you dont bother to think about that, you just try to remember all the stupid unlabeled buttons. please, be nice to the ordertakers. i believe i owe you a joke now. there was an altercation between 2 turtles and a snail. the police were talking to the snail about what happened. the snail said "well officer... it all happened so fast."
Ducky Havok Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 I would love to post these here, but they are flash animations so I can only provide the link. It's called Jokes with Einstein... that should enough to get your interest . They're hilarious. http://www.spinnerdisc.com/jokeswitheinstein.html
Norman Albers Posted June 1, 2007 Posted June 1, 2007 L.Lederman's book The God Particle left me wanting to punch his lights out for his stupid attitude toward theoretics, except for the humanity I can appreciate where he says, the Nobel is cool because now people laugh at my jokes!!!
Norman Albers Posted June 22, 2007 Posted June 22, 2007 We consider the physics of nowhere in particular, with or without anything in particular. Would you buy something from people like this???
Elessarina Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 But telling jokes like that* will keep you single! *Post #101 Not necessarily.. some women find those jokes funny.. at least I do anyway..
Phi for All Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Not necessarily.. some women find those jokes funny.. at least I do anyway..In that case, Elessarina, meet swansont. swansont, meet Elessarina. Elessarina loves physics, swansont is a physicist (and a male stripper), so the two of you can just get... physical. Btw, you owe us a joke, Elessarina. That's the way this thread works.
Elessarina Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 A Physicist..? now you're talking A joke? Here goes: A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Mary. Mary. are you there? "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have s*x, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course, I have s*x,I bathe in the sun, and then I have s*x again. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course,then s*x pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have s*x until late at night. The next day it starts all over again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk". My joke killed the thread!
YT2095 Posted August 3, 2007 Author Posted August 3, 2007 I heard a classic the other day and apparently it`s quite True! "Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland , he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. . ... "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!""
Norman Albers Posted August 3, 2007 Posted August 3, 2007 Ringo Starr of the Beatles played for years on the same set of Ludwig drums, to where the letters were mostly worn away. George Harrison shared the story that Paul McCartney would introduce Ringo saying, "And on the Lu, folks, we have Ringo Starr!"
Elessarina Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 I am passing this on to you because it worked for me and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on the radio yesterday, I have finally found inner peace. "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started but never finished." So, this morning, I looked around my house to see all the things I had started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin, a packet of Jaffa cakes, the remainder of an old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates............ You have no idea how bl**dy good I feel!!!!
Norman Albers Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 The other point where I laughed reading The God Particle was where Lederman needed a collimator for particle output, and scored a scrap 20 ft. Navy destroyer gun barrel. It had rifling on the inside which had to be cut down, and a graduate student of relatively slight build was just able to go inside and grind. After an hour or two of this, the student crawled out, and told him where he could put this job. Lederman quipped, "Oh my, where will I find another student of your caliber!"
Phi for All Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 I started a new sales job working for one of those "everything-under-one-roof" department stores. After my first day the manager asks me how many customers I waited on and I told him one. He tells me most of the salespeople wait on 20-30 people a day. Then he asked me how much I sold to this one customer and I told him $121,447.65. He asked me what I sold the guy and I told him at first it was a small fishhook, then a larger fishhook, then a new rod & reel. The customer mentioned he knew a place off the coast so I told him he should get a boat. After Sporting Goods set him up with a Boston Whaler we realized his Honda Civic wouldn't pull the boat so I took him to Automotive and sold him a 4x4 Expedition. My boss says, "A guy comes in to buy a fishhook and you sell him a boat and an SUV?!" and I tell him no, the guy came in to buy tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"
fattyjwoods Posted August 11, 2007 Posted August 11, 2007 why did the chicken cross the road? http://www.chickenjoke.com/
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