The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Norman Albers]

I noted last year that the chicken crossed the road to show the possum that it could be done. Tonight my point involves the zoo/aquarium at the coast featuring both lions and porpoises, the latter being known for their unembarrassed sexual cavorting. The lions were well fed and so laid around most of the day, grabbing an occasional seagull venturing too close. An ambitious keeper started killing seagulls to feed to the porpoises, since they were a major attraction. Eventually she was arrested for transporting gulls across staid lions for immoral porpoises.

[Pangloss]

What do Chinese toy factory supervisors say to motivate their workers?

 

 

"GET THE LEAD OUT!!!!!"

[swansont]

In that case, Elessarina, meet swansont. swansont, meet Elessarina. Elessarina loves physics, swansont is a physicist (and a male stripper), so the two of you can just get... physical.

 

 

Great, you scared her off. She could've just checked out my home page for physics jokes instead of getting the physicist-as-stripper mental image.

 

Anyway, this was emailed to me recently:

 

 

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased

his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for

a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were

supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

 

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two

triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND

pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue

arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,

thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two

triple-A batteries, right ? !!

 

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I

must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)

and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going

to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did

want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

 

Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst

would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was

supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a

three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the

ground like a fish out of water.

 

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All

the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,

less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with

two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible

way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked

to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second

burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I

decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched

the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .........

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me

up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and

over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal

position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in

the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over

me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,

undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!" Note: If

you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of

caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap

yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from

your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second

burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like

hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative

thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up

and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel

of the fireplace. How did they get up there???

 

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face

felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,and my bottom lip weighed 88

lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant

reward for their safe return. Still in shock.

 

P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[iNow]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint

 

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,

 

"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

 

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

 

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala

 

where they enjoyed a few joints.

 

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"

 

and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

 

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

 

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and

 

helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,

 

"What's the matter with you?"

 

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he

 

was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,

 

got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

 

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked

 

into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was

 

sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

 

 

"Hey you!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

So the koala looked down at him and said,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Dooooooood".....

 

 

 

 

 

 

How much water did you drink?!!"

[Pre4edgc]

I guess I owe a joke.

 

DISCLAIMER: It's just a joke. I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend, etc.

 

A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican guy all were traveling to the Grand Canyon for vacation. On their way to the edge, they spotted an oddly shaped lamp, and rubbed it. A genie appeared, telling them "I will grant all of you one wish, but only if you jump off of this cliff."

 

First, the white guy runs and jumps off of the cliff, yelling "I wish I had wings!" The genie snapped his fingers, and gave him wings. He flew off.

 

Secondly, the black guy runs and jumps off of the cliff, yelling "I wish I was a bird!" The genie snapped his fingers, and turned him into a bird. He flew off.

 

Last, the mexican runs, and jumps off of the cliff. He yelled "I wish I was.." and paused. He looked down into the depths of the canyon, then screamed "HOLY $*&%!" The genie snapped his fingers, and the mexican turned into a big steaming pile of %&^*.

[Drilon]

Jokes about blonds

 

Q: A blond and a brunette fall of from a 10 story building, which one hits the ground first?

 

 

A: The brunette, because the blond lost it's way down. :doh:

[Guest026]

so there's this lady at the docter n the docter says u have 3 worms in u so we need to take them out at 8:00 and inside the lady a worm says "hey guys! u here that!?" the 2nd worm says "wut do we do now?!" the 3rd says "im gonna hide behind the liver!" a different 1 says "im hiding behind the stomach!" the last says "im catchin the 8 'o clock outta here!"

[Pangloss]

Just a friendly reminder -- only jokes are allowed to remain in this thread (aside from the occassional friendly reminder from staff -- like this). Everything else is deleted/edited/removed/whatever. If you have a question or comment or problem with a post, you can send a private message to a staff member or post on the Suggestions board.

 

Thanks.

[Guest026]

At this school a group of disgruntled terrorists hold a bunch of people captive in the gymnasium and gives a mother a choice of taking one of her children but leaving the other with the terrorists.

 

Q: Which child stayed with the terrorists?

 

A: The ugly one.

 

On an airplane that's about to crash a lady gets up, takes her clothes off, and says "If I'm going to die I want to die feeling like a woman! Is anyone on this plane man enough to make me feel like one?"

 

A man gets up, takes his shirt off, throws it at the lady, and says "Here! Iron this!"

 

Docter Dave slept with one of his patients once and he felt guilty even though he was single. The guilt nearly drove him mad because he began hearing voices in his head. One voice said "It's all right Dave! Let it go; you're single!" Another voice brought him back to reality by saying "Dave! You sick bastard! You're a vet for God's sake!"

[Pangloss]

Q: What do you call an neutron that's been around a while?

A: An oldtron!

 

(My niece told me that today and I was so overjoyed to hear her use the word "neutron" that I just had to post it!)

[Norman Albers]

Two atoms are walking down the street and one falls down and loses an electron. It gets back up and the other one asks, "Are you OK?" "Yes, I'm positive."

[iNow]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

 

 

Dear Dad:

 

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

 

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad. .she's pregnant.

 

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

 

In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

 

Love, Your Son John

 

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card (it's in my center desk drawer).

 

I love you.

 

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[iNow]

An atom walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "I've lost an electron." Bartender says, "How do you know?" Are you sure?" Atom says, "I'm positive."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Tech Support

 

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

 

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

 

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

____________ _________ _________ ________

 

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

 

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

 

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

 

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

 

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway

 

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 ..

 

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

 

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 

Best of luck,

Tech Support

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

...and for the ladies:

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Dear Tech Support,

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

 

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

 

 

_________ ________

 

REPLY:

 

Dear Desperate:

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

 

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 a and Flowers

3.5.

 

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

 

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance . We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

 

Good Luck,

Tech Support

[Pangloss]

I don't usually post these scam warnings, but it's always better to err on the side of caution!

 

Watch out, guys....

 

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

 

Here's how the scam works:

 

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their chest almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. You agree and they get in the back seat.

 

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also August 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

 

So tell your friends to be careful.

[iNow]

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop.

 

The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.

 

Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.

 

The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips.

 

Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny.

 

 

Seriously... click the YouTube link below. You have to see this.

 

 

 

 

...News story on same:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/north_east/6907994.stm

[Blade]

hitler banned from xbox live.

http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=qqRDFaz3SQY

 

funny

 

Halo 3 Advert

http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=TEWIw-a0GJw

[lee]

Do you know why hippopotamus have red eyes? To hide themselves in tomatoes! What? You didn’t see hippopotamus in tomatoes? Well, it means that they hide themselves very well!

[Fred56]

What does the sign say at the top of Irish ladders? “Stop”.

If “can't” is a contraction of “cannot”, is “cart” a contraction of “carrot”? Or is it a contraption?

[Fred56]

Ok, so you've heard the one about the guy who pulls up to the gates of a crematorium and asks the security guard "You got a light?"...

[timo]

Q: What do you call an neutron that's been around a while?

A: An oldtron!

Since free neutrons are unstable and decay with a lifetime of ~12 minutes, oldtrons do not exist. A similar reason goes for postrons: They are forbidden by stable protons but predicted in some exotic physics models where protons can decay.

 

------------------

 

A lawyer and a physicist sit next to each other in a plane and talk about the latest book by Steven Hawking (or any other author of popular science books you want):

Physicist: "Well, it's a nice book but there's a few things I don't understand."

Lawyer: "Really? Ok, let me explain ..."

[Guest Cnavarro]

OK, we all know that you can change the meaning of a base word using prefix right?

So lets us a basic prefix such as i dont know um Pro.

The opposite of a Pro is a Con

OK, now lets add a base word lets use gress

OK, with the pro and the gress we have Progress ah your good at this you figured that out before I typed it... OK, now whats the the opposite of progress?

 

And you want a grant from them?? be better to sell them a toilet.

[iNow]

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

 

The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?"

 

The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.

 

Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

[Pangloss]

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

 

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

 

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

 

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A.

 

along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

 

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

[Mr Skeptic]

A man pulls up in front of Chase-Manhattan bank in New York City in a brand new Mercedes. He's in an Armani suit and wearing a Rolex Presidential on his wrist. He enters the bank and asks to see the head of the loan department. He's ushered into the VPs office and the VP greets him warmly. "What can we do for you today, sir?"

 

"I wish to borrow $5000," the man tells him.

 

"For what reason, if I may ask?"

 

"I'm taking a two week trip to Italy and I need some spending money."

 

The VP tells him, "We'll need some collateral."

 

The gentleman pulls out the keys and the title to his Mercedes, which he owns outright, and after going outside to check on the immaculate condition of the car and filling out some paperwork, the VP agrees to the loan.

 

Two weeks later, the gentleman is back in the VPs office, ready to pay off the loan. "With interest, you owe us $5015.37." The gentleman writes a check, collects his title and keys and starts to leave, but the VP can't help but ask, "Sir, I checked your financial status and it seems you are worth quite a lot of money. Why did you come to Chase Manhattan for such a small loan?"

 

The gentleman smiled and said, "Where else could I park my car in downtown New York for 2 weeks for $15.37?"

 

First time I heard it it was a blond woman. Much funnier because I was expecting a dumb blond joke right until the punchline

 

Would a content aether be a happy medium?

 

Would a giant psychic dwarf be a medium medium?

[Phi for All]

If your dog's barking at the back door and your wife's barking at the front door, who do you let in?

 

Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.