The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[insane_alien]

Would a giant psychic dwarf be a medium medium?

 

yes and it is also how the cannibals like their fortune tellers.

[Phi for All]

Yesterday at the hospital I saw Norman Alber in a surgery gown running down the hall with a terrified look on his face, so I asked "What's the matter?"

 

He told me, "The nurse said, 'Oh my God, you're shaking! It's a very simple operation, please calm down, you have nothing to worry about, I'm sure it will be all right."

 

I smiled and said, "She was just trying to comfort you, Norm, what's so frightening about that?"

 

Norm's eyes got real big and he said, "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

insane_alien stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

 

The librarian said, "What's the problem, sir?"

 

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!", said insane_alien.

 

"What was wrong with it?", asked the librarian.

 

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!", said IA.

 

The librarian's eyebrows shot up. She nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

YT2095 walked into a bar yesterday and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink."

 

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to YT, "What's the name of your penis?" YT says, "Look, I'm straight. All I want is a drink."

 

The waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. House rule. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies'."

 

YT2095 looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So YT asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX"

 

YT asks, "Why Timex?"

 

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"

 

A little shaken, YT turns to two guys on his right, who happen to be sharing a Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

 

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... 'Like A Rock'!" And gives a wink.

 

Even more shaken, YT2095 has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

 

Finally, he turns to the waiter and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

 

The waiter starts towards the bar but with a puzzled look stops and asks, "Why Secret?"

 

YT2095 says, "Because it's 'Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman'"!

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I was in the supermarket the other day when my cart and another guy's cart collided. He apologized and said, "I wasn't paying attention, I was looking for my wife."

 

I said, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too and I'm getting a little desperate."

 

He says, "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

 

I told him, "She's tall, with blond long hair, long legs and a fantastic figure. She's a lingerie model actually. What's your wife look like?"

 

He leaned closer and said, "Never mind, let's look for yours!"

[Phi for All]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

 

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

 

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

 

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

 

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 

Sheepishly the man replied, "They're Carol's."

[Physia]

Bachar Assad goes to a primary school to give a speech.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and Bachar asks him what his name is?

"Ali".

"And what is your question, Ali?"

"I have 3 questions.

First, why did Syria rules Lebanon for over 15 years?

Second, why you didn't know who kill Hariri if you were the ruler of Lebanon?

And third, why did you leave Lebanon now?

 

Just then the bell rings for recess. Bachar al Assad informs the

kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Bachar says, "OK, where were we?

Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand.

Bachar points him out and asks him what his name is?

"Teddy"

And what is your question, Teddy?"

"I have 5 questions.

First, Why did Syria rules Lebanon for over 15 years?

Second, Why you didn't know who kill Hariri if you were the ruler of Lebanon?

And third, why did you leave Lebanon now?

Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!

And fifth, where is "Ali"?!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished

giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he

meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they

walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one

question about what I have seen in America. "President

Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to

help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star

Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and

Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He

doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in

Star Trek. President Bush laughs and leans toward the

Saudi, and whispers

back,

"... that's because it takes place in the future!...."

[Fred56]

Women are a lot like cars. Every man wants a hot, sexy-looking one stashed somewhere so he can take it for a drive every now and then, while the other, ordinary-looking one that's easier to handle and gets more mileage is back at home.

 

Never a dull moment

Q. What's the good thing about Alzheimers?

 

A. You're always meeting new people...!

[Norman Albers]

The Lone Ranger got into a tight situation, surrounded by angry Indians. Turning to address Tonto, his faithful sidekick, he says, "We're surrounded by Indians, Tonto!" Smiling, Tonto replies, "We, Kimosabe?"

[Fred56]

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.”

 

~ Terry Pratchett

[Norman Albers]

Two of the funniest moments I know in all of cinema, aside from W.C.Fields trying to aim his pool cuestick, involve little old white-haired grannies. The first you may remember from Airplane, when the two Afro dudes are conversing (every tenth word is sheeeeet) and people are searching desperately for a pilot. The little old lady walks up and announces, "I speak jive" and proceeds to tear the place up with the brothers. The other scene that I doubt you have seen is in, I think, a Czechoslovakian film. Key here is the slow pace of the camera, taking in half-minute vignettes of conversations at a cocktail party as things get rolling. Two people saying this and that, then a small group; then the view moves to the center of the long sofa, and there is room behind it to walk. White-haired Granny strolls into view behind the sofa, and stops. She lifts her glass of wine, and chugs it down. She then takes one step forward and falls backward completely out of sight below the couch. Now the camera pans slowly to the couple at the end of the sofa who are in conversation. They observe briefly, and simply resume their conversation!!! Damn, these people party. Fred, Bewahre doch vor Jammerwoch! Die Za'hne knirschen, Krallen kratzen!

[Fred56]

`T ain` no thang...

"Photons have long been believed to be completely hairless;

some expect to find bald photons after all: this is (the scientists say) because they have lost their hair --possibly photon hairpieces will be discovered too"

--yours, etc...

 

WE sure need to measure change, or we are bound to observe it because we're changing too. But it's a number, for 'crying out loud'...

--this was how the 'time' was first "told", in fact, and this is therefore a chronistic pun, which, like a colloquial sobriquet, is just "one of those things"

[YT2095]

Q: What do Chemist take on a Boat Trip?

 

A: H2TiO3 !

 

 

 

sorry if it`s Bad, I just made it up today

[Phi for All]

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before.

 

Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."

 

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly.

 

Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.

 

Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!"

 

Just then, the female whale stops dead in the water and says, "Look, I agreed to blowing them, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

[YT2095]

I don't know, YT, theTitania sank!

 

erm, H2TiO3 is Titanic Acid!

I`ll let you work out the rest

[Phi for All]

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the Tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!"

 

"No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

 

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

 

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

[Norman Albers]

Pardon me, YT, I thought you were talking white-nose sunblock. OK, Phi, perhaps real life trumps: this is a true story, and my brother met the astronaut who created it, working at JPL. It seems this astronaut was clear on what he wanted to be as a youth. One day when he was 11 years old, he heard his neighbor and wife arguing loudly with the window open, the Gorski's. The wife screamed, "I'll give you <oral sex> when that kid goes to the moon." When he actually stepped out onto the lunar surface, he exclaimed, "Good luck, Mr. Gorski". The CIA was in an uproar but he would not tell anyone who "Mr Gorski" was.

[Phi for All]

As long as we're telling *true stories, did I ever tell you about the car I tried to make by myself? I took the tires and wheels from a Cadillac, the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Chrysler, the chassis from a Plymouth and the body from a Lamborghini. Do you know what I ended up with?

 

Two years and probation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* meaning "imaginary"

[Fred56]

It's the way he looks, of course

Q. How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

 

A. He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

[Norman Albers]

There was a good Dilbert cartoon where he is in an utter panic about having to address a convention audience. He wigs out completely, thinking, "I'll pretend I am from Sweden and speak only Swedish." At the microphone he says, "Morna, lorna, corna, dorna." Es brillig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten and wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-mu'msige Borggoven Die mohmen Ra'th' ausgraben. (I hope to learn umlauts and upside-down question-marks.)

[Fred56]

I recall a IS lecture about "Fukawe birds", which are a navigational paradigm, in database searches, or graph traversals, and so on.

They are used to construct the query: "where the Fukawe?"...

[Mr Skeptic]

Idiots are like fissile atoms. On their own they are toxic, what they produce is even more toxic, and if you put enough of them close together, things can go BOOM!

[Norman Albers]

It's cool if you can lasso idiots into the number we got played on us after two weeks of Boy Scout camp. Convinced we were chanting important words of Native American masters, the first-year guys got in a row in front of the campfire on their knees, holding up their hands in supplication, and repeated after the leader, slowly at first: "Oh wah... tagu... siam. Oh wah... and then speeding up, to a sudden profound realization...

[Fred56]

"A Merry Xmas and Happy New Year from the management to all our customers.

If what you have left with us over the past twelve months isn't complete rubbish, it will do 'til we get some."

 

q. What did the proton say to the electron?

a. "That's no charge, for you..."

[Fred56]

In Australia, a canneloni is usually understood to mean someone drinking by themselves.

 

"An accident at sea can ruin your entire day" --1st century B.C. Sicilian Roman general

 

I just remembered this one:

Make my day...

 

customer: "Is that the helpdesk? Yeah my mouse isn't working, it's right at the edge of the desk and I can't move it any further, what should I do?"

 

helpdesk: "Have you tried switching your PC off and on a few times at the wall? Or formatting the hard drive? See if that helps...('chortle')"

 

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

[iNow]

A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are Hillary fans.

Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.

The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny replies,

"That would make me a Hillary fan."

[Mr Skeptic]

Also,

Just because Hillary doesn't have a dick doesn't mean that she won't be one

[Fred56]

"Iuvenes dum dumus":

 

q. What did the philosophy student say to the medical student?

a. "I'm sic."

 

Scientists think Philosophers think about things that aren't interesting. Philosophers think about why Scientists think that their science is 'interesting'.