The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Fred56]

"Once the linear function of hydrocarbon oxidation no longer commutes with the entropic cycle of the engine-space, The system will not admit any allowed harmonics and the wave-function should collapse."

(Moi, encore)

[iNow]

Does anyone remember what a fu(king joke is? Jesus, man.

 

 

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

 

 

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

 

 

 

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon."

 

 

 

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

[Fred56]

Actually I do know a few about that subject, but this isn't the place, is it? I thought JC wasn't really supposed to have got it on with "that woman", was he?

 

Is equivocating about whether you're being equivocal or not, equal to "just" equivocating, or is it really, really?

 

That's sic, dude.

 

customer: "Is that the helpdesk? Yeah my mouse isn't working again, it's right at the other edge of the desk this time, and I can't move it any further, what should I do?"

 

helpdesk: (former Eng.Lit. student) "Have you tried moving it farther?"

[Mr Skeptic]

Irrational people are like irrational numbers. They keep on going and going without end, and they look completely unpredictable.

[Royston]

A virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

 

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

 

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[iNow]

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).

 

The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.

 

However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact.

 

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

 

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

[thedarkshade]

I just heard this joke from my friend and I really found it funny.

 

A policeman walking down the road, suddenly fells into canalization! And you know what he said when he was down there? "I'm damn lucky it wasn't locked because I'd get stuck in here"

[Pangloss]

This is a joke that's been floating around the Internet that was apparently included in the Time "Man of the Year" article on Vladimir Putin, but I heard it from EJ Dionne on "This Week" last Sunday:

 

------

 

Stalin’s ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks him for help running the country. Stalin says, ‘Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.’

 

‘Why blue?’ Putin asks.

 

‘Ha!’ says Stalin. ‘I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first part.’

[iNow]

This is a joke that's been floating around the Internet that was apparently included in the Time "Man of the Year" article on Vladimir Putin, but I heard it from EJ Dionne on "This Week" last Sunday:

 

------

 

Stalin’s ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks him for help running the country. Stalin says, ‘Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue.’

 

‘Why blue?’ Putin asks.

 

‘Ha!’ says Stalin. ‘I knew you wouldn’t ask me about the first part.’

 

 

LOL... I almost shared that last week after I saw it on This Week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pangloss]

 

 

 

 

[iNow]

What's not funny is how many people think that attacking Al Gore discounts the data available regarding global warming.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Pangloss]

I didn't look for global warming humor, I looked for Al Gore humor, because I think he's funny.

 

 

 

 

And my new applicance from yesterday's cookout!!!

[iNow]

This is not funny.

 

I agree. Let's do this instead:

 

 

 

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

 

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

 

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

 

"Yup," replied the drunk.

 

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

 

"Watch, the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

 

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

[zule]

In Spain is very difficult finding a job as a researcher…

 

Do you know what does a biochemist who works ask to one who doesn’t work?...

 

 

Do you want it with cheese or without cheese?

[Norman Albers]

In Greece, yogurt. Nice clock. I was delighted to hear a radio columnist reading his list of 10 oxymorons for 2007. Numbers eight and seven were, "Republican Ethics Committee", and "Democratic Leadership Committee". GONNGGG. . . .

 

A Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim walk into a bar together, but then don't say anything. There's a writers' strike.

[Phi for All]

A Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim walk into a bar together, but then don't say anything. There's a writers' strike.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that!

 

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

 

The doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

 

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

 

The doctor smiled and decided to give it a try.

 

The next day the doctor went to his mailbox to send the bills and he found a bill from the lawyer.

[Norman Albers]

A Berrism I just heard: I don't like forecasting, especially when it involves the future...

[Gilded]

Why hasn't Phi for All made any ice cubes recently?

He lost the recipe.

 

Man I've missed this thread.

[Norman Albers]

You may remember my neighbor, Troon, from last year:

One of Albert Einstein's Little Known Theories

Albert Einstein's birthday was March 14. He would now be 127. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

 

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

 

This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.

 

Oh, be quiet. I didn't write this, I just forwarded

[iNow]

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to

her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,

dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to

keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at

all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw

out my wine. She's such a bitch.

[iNow]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

 

When asked how he was feeling, the 86-year-old replied,

“Things are just great and I've never felt better.'

 

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

 

'So what do you think about that Doc?”

 

The Doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

 

'I have an elderly friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

 

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

 

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

 

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

 

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

 

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang Bang'.'

 

'Incredibly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

 

Now, what do you think of that?' asked the Doctor.

 

The 86-year-old thought for a minute and said,

 

'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

 

The Doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

[Norman Albers]

Troon just sent me a reject New Yorker cartoon: Two cave men meet, one saying "I am a hunter". Answers the other, "I am a gatherer". Behind a rock a large lizard holding three carrots says, "I am screwed".

[YT2095]

The secret to a long life!

 

A tough, old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

 

The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110.

 

He left four children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren, 10 great great grandchildren and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[thedarkshade]

I just heard this one today!

 

A hot, beautiful chick enters the bar. There's a slow music going and there are only two or three people in the bar. Doll! She goes next to one guy who seems to have drunk a few beers. As he is too drunk, she starts the conversation!

Girl:"Hi. What are you doing?".

Guy: "Hey! Nuttin' just drinking this magic beer!"

Gril: "Really? How so?"

Guy: "Don't believe me? Watch!"

 

The guy jumps out of the window and flies three times around one building, then enter again!

 

Guy: "See, not fooling around!"

Gril: "WOW! Can I get one?"

 

She has a few beers then tries to fly too! But after jumping from the window she fells and gets cracked!

Then the waiter turns to that guy: "Damn Superman! You're a real asshole when you get drunk man"!

:D

[iNow]

Subject: Monks are copying from copies

 

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

 

 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

 

 

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

 

 

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

 

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

 

 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

 

"We missed the R !"

"We missed the R !"

"We missed the R !"

 

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

 

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

 

 

"CELEBRATE !!!"

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