The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Mr Skeptic]

If a man speaks in a forest, and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?

[DrP]

I was walking down the street and this 5'5", 22 stone woman walked past. "Fatty!" I cried heartlesly. "You can't talk to me like that" She replied "You're Fattist!" "NO" I said "I believe you're the Fattest"

[Norman Albers]

I share this letter to my brother: CAPTAIN, I sent solidspin the picture of my wood fire, and he said, whoa, cool how much ***** have you scored with this!!!???

 

 

You ask, 'how much ***** have I scored?' We need to get our

dimensions straight in this discussion. We have previously discussed

MACHINISTS' DIMENSIONS, where pubic spirals are measured around 2-8

thousanths of an inch, from blond to black. Recently you suggested we consider quantum SPIN as being indeed short, of Planck dimension. We can feel the truth at both levels here. Energy does conform to our apparatus, no?

'WAAAAAAAAA

[Sayonara]

Are you high?

[Norman Albers]

Most of the time. How about yourself?

[Phi for All]

We should split this section into two parts. Section 1 is for Jokes, and Section 8 is for Not Funny, Not Even Unfunny

[Norman Albers]

Yah sure, depending upon your vision. It seems that what tweaks me does not tweak many of you. I shall be silent. Chrissake erase this stuff.

Edited January 24, 2009 by Norman Albers

[Norman Albers]

I am sorry all this chaos was left in. Here is hopefully a real, live joke. I have spent many hours' work thinning a green buffer zone between me and a neighbor in back. There was much dead and we have dry summer fire seasons. Then one can do levels of thinning like a good haircut, with everything growing nicely for the next few years. I made a point to go meet the folks so they would know who was thrashing around within their sight. We agreed on our forestry visions and I am mostly done. Thirty or so feet on his land is a tall dead hardwood madrone with one half leaning toward me so I mentioned it as a fire concern which I would be happy to take out, since it's my preferred firewood. He at this point was not helpful, and said only, we have done all the clearing we want to. I am feeling increasingly annoyed so I shall the next time I see him, engender the following conversation: "I do think it's good that you don't have to watch me coming out to take a leak, and also that I don't have to witness your sex acts on the kitchen table, don't you?" I think he will answer, "We do not have sex in view on the kitchen table!" I will respond, "Then that was not you, eh Kirby?"

Edited January 30, 2009 by Norman Albers

[nitroglycol]

Q: Why do the English drink warm beer?

A: Because they have Lucas fridges!

[Shadow]

For Apple fans especially:

 

 

At a computer expo (COMDEX),Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

Here is the response from a General Motors representative:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash several times a year.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason at all. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Apple (Macintosh) would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Whenever you installed a new accessory you would have to remove and reinstall several of your old accessories to get them working again.

 

10. You'd have to press and hold the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

 

Cheers,

 

Gabe

[Mr Skeptic]

Found on an amusingly misplaced mirror in a men's bathroom near the college hokey rink (cause I put it there):

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who has the biggest one of all? The urinal can be seen from the hallway.

 

Seems the folks who designed the bathroom didn't do their homework.

[YT2095]

A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.

 

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

 

His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!"

[YT2095]

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...

 

You call your young apprentice, "Junior"

Your landspeeder has a gun rack.

You call Yoda your Li'l green buddy.

You have ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill.

Your Jedi robe is camouflage colored.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.

You can describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You got your light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids.

You have ever used a light saber to skin a deer.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You've used a storm trooper helmet as a spittoon.

You feel that duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You use your light saber as a bug zapper.

[Norman Albers]

I call it being 'hipneck' and I certainly am, goddang flippin' betcha, sumbuck. Kirby AND HIS WIFE hiked up through my yard, and I sort of chickened out, only because when I showed him the dead tree from his land hanging toward me, he agreed I could take it out. Dang, oh well.

[Norman Albers]

National Public Radio yesterday reported that in New York someone is selling a NADOLF DOLL, which is a piggy bank of his head, and the plug on the bottom doesn't work. . . . . . . . . . . . It is of cast bronze.

Edited March 13, 2009 by Norman Albers

[Norman Albers]

My apology, I had not seen Bernard Madoff's name in print, and that obviously explains the bronze piggy bank.

[Mr Skeptic]

Happy Atheist Day from my pastor.

 

The fool says in his heart, "There is no God." -- Psalm 14:1

[Norman Albers]

Fools do not know that they do not know what they do not know.

[stereologist]

Here is a political joke that I hope the moderator can tolerate:

 

Back in the old days of the Soviet Union this man is waiting in line outside of the butcher shop in a terrible cold blizzard. As each person exits the shop he gets to take one step closer to the front door and the hopes of a roast for dinner. He is getting closer and now stand at the front door. Suddenly a hand emerges from the shop and places a closed for the day sign on the door.

 

The man can't take it any longer.

 

"This country is terrible, horrible. The government no longer deserves my respect!"

 

At this point a man in an overcoat whispers in his ear. "Comrade. You are fortunate today with your out burst. In the past this would have been your doom." The man in the overcoat points a finger like a gun and pretends to shoot the upset man in the temple.

 

Despondent the man returns home.

 

His wife accosts him in the entrance hall to their apartment. "What? What? No meat for dinner again? They've run out of meat yet again. What is this country coming to?"

 

The man replies, "It's worse that you think dear. They even run out of bullets."

[iNow]

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

 

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find It's a sheep, you idiot."

 

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

[Norman Albers]

Do you know the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker? The pigeon can still put down a deposit on a BMW.

[iNow]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

 

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

 

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[hermanntrude]

you should be careful with that one.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it's an antique

[The Silent One]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[padren]

I have to share this, especially here:

http://xkcd.com/585/