The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[williamthegreat]

Horse walked into a bar

 

Barman goes 'why the long face?'

[Phi for All]

Gotta have this one from The Big Bang Theory posted here:

 

A physicist goes to an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream for himself and offers an ice cream for the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner asks him what he is doing.

 

The man says “Well, I’m a physicist and Quantum Mechanics teaches us that it's possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me.”

 

The owner says, "There are a lot of single beautiful women who come in here every day, so why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you."

 

And the physicist says “Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?”

[shakes]

Two nuns are bicycling through the back streets of Rome on a mission to the poor. As it starts to get dark the novice gets anxious and leans over to the older nun.

 

"Sister," she says nevously, "I have to admit I've never come this way before."

 

The older nun responds smiling, "It's the cobblestones."

[Mr Skeptic]

"If my dad ever finds out what I've been up to he's gonna crucify me" -- Jesus's character, in Hamlet 2

[Rickdog]

:D:D ROFL :D:D

 

( Brilliant !!!! )

[LeeRoy]

The father scolding his little son for smoking:

- How can you do that?! Quit immediately! When i was at your age...you know...it's better for you to smoke, son...

[Phi for All]

I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was pretty loud, so I timed my

farts with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

 

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

Now that's a wind instrument to remember.

[Icefire]

A guy walks into a bar.

Rubbing his head, he decided to watch where he was going.

[iNow]

Woman Marine Pilot

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, and began to tell their stories.

 

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

 

'Janie, do you have a story to share?'

 

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

 

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

 

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?'

 

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

[caharris]

Q: What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?

A: Quark, quark, quark!

[zapatos]

An old man goes into the doctor and says there is something that has been troubling him and he has a question.

 

"When I was 20, if my thing was hard I couldn't get it to bend at all. Then when I was 40, I found that I could bend it a little bit. When I hit 50, I could move it around pretty much. And now that I'm 70, I find I can just about bend it in half."

 

"I see", says the doctor, "and just what is your question?"

 

The old man replies, "Just how strong am I going to get?"

[Externet]

[Phi for All]

The Entabulator description literally made my fillings hurt. I had to stop listening when my left eye developed a tic.

[Externet]

British Petroleum...

Edited June 16, 2010 by Externet

[Externet]

It is not new either, but some of you may have not enjoyed it yet...

 

---> http://www.419eater.com/html/joe_eboh.htm

 

Use your spare time to read, and do not hold yourself from laughing loud.

[John Cuthber]

British Petroleum...

 

That joke would be better if British Petroleum still existed, or if you gave BP the right name.

 

This one is much better.

 

[Externet]

Agreed, your link takes the trophy.

[vordhosbn]

[John Cuthber]

http://www.fifa.com/worldcup/teams/team=43942/index.html

[mississippichem]

I once heard the laws of thermodynamics stated as:

 

0) Its not what you think

1) You can't win

2) You can't even break even

3) Don't even try

 

Funny, yes.

 

True, even more so.

[divagreen]

I found this and loved it. Look at the dates:

 

[mississippichem]

I asked my physical chemistry professor what the real advantage to the Born-Oppenheimer approximation was; he said:

 

"So you won't have to become a physicist".

Edited September 13, 2010 by mississippichem

[Tnad]

Then went to the chem lab, reads on the wall:

Edited September 14, 2010 by Tnad

[Mr Skeptic]

http://www.hol.com/~mikesch/tetzel.htm

After Tetzel had received a substantial amount of money at Leipzig, a nobleman asked him if it were possible to receive a letter of indulgence for a future sin. Tetzel quickly answered in the affirmative, insisting, however, that the payment had to made at once. This the nobleman did, receiving thereupon letter and seal from Tetzel. When Tetzel left Leipzig the nobleman attacked him along the way, gave him a thorough beating, and sent him back empty-handed to Leipzig with the comment that this was the future sin which he had in mind. Duke George at first was quite furious about this incident, but when he heard the whole story he let it go without punishing the nobleman.

 

Source: Luthers Schriften, herausg. von Walch. XV, 446.