The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[CharonY]

A detailed view on science reporting Guardian

[kaycee]

what did they thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?

 

"you may have graduated, but i have a lot of degrees!"

[divagreen]

If you're really bored, a fun game to play is Six Degrees of Godwin.

Take a topic - any topic - and see how quickly you can relate it to Nazis

using legitimate topic drift methods. For example: a discussion about

computers will eventually lead to discussions of keyboards and which are

best, followed by a lot of complaining about the Windows key on 104-key

keyboards, leading to complaints about Microsoft, forcing the standard

MS-vs-government flamewar that I'm sure you're all aware of, leading to

attacks on Microsoft's "fascist" tactics by one side or another, which

will force the other side to start talking about the differences between

fascism, capitalism, and, of course, Nazism! The fun never stops!

 

:lol:

 

Godwin's Law FAQ

[Guest Floyd555]

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He

doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other

man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to

the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a

calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's

make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

[michel123456]

A cow-boy builds a shelter to spend the winter alone in the wild. He goes on cutting a good amount of wood so that he will not fear the terrible cold. But how to be sure if he has enough wood? There is the great wise indian above in near the mountain, he must know. So he goes all above the mountain and ask the wise man. The chief looks at the horizon and declares that the winter will be cold this year. So the cow-boy goes back to the valley and cuts more wood. He has enough now, but lets ask the man again. He goes up the mountain, the chief looks around, and say that the winter will be extremely cold. The cow-boy goes back cutting a huge amount of wood. Now he is sure. But lets ask the indian for the last time. So he goes to the mountain again. There the wise man looks, and tells that this winter will be colder than ever. Surprised, the cow-boy asks, how can you be sure the winter will be so cold? And the wise indian answers: when the white man in the valley cuts a lot of wood, then the winter will be cold.

[michel123456]

I read this thread till page 45... I hope this one is new.

 

Belgian joke.

 

A old couple of Belgians go for winter holidays at Chamonix (France) for skiing.

They go the reception desk of the ski station, asking for the wonderful same trainer they had last year.

_What was his name? ask the receptionist.

_We don't remember

_What was he look like? maybe we can find him.

_Oh, he was wearing a ski suit with blue white and red stripes.

_We are in France, ALL trainers have suits with blue white and red stripes! Don't you remember anything else about him?

_Hm. yes. He has 2 anus.

_2 anus?? how do you know that?

_Well, each day, when we went to the ski piste, the other trainers continuously asked him "how are you doing with your two assholes?".

 

Sorry for my poor translation in english.

 

Two Belgians go to Laponia hunting reindeer (caribou).

They rent guns, a snow caterpillar track jeep and hire an eskimo guide for a week.

After two days of search in the frozen woods, they find a group of caribous. They step out the jeep, and silently they approach the animals. With some help from the eskimo guide, they finally manage to shoot a beautiful caribou. So they walk in the snow, get next to the dead caribou. They tie a rope to his rear legs, and pull it in direction of the jeep.

The eskimo guide explains that because of the direction of the caribou's fur, it would be easier to tie the rope at the antlers so that the deer can slide smoothly on the snow.

And so they do.

_Well, our eskimo guide was right, it is much easier now, says the first Belgian.

_Yes, but we are getting more and more away from the jeep, replies the other.

Edited December 6, 2010 by michel123456

[divagreen]

I don't want to offend people...but I found this very, very funny.

 

[michel123456]

A man enters a supermarket, obviously searching something. The cashier notices the man going round and round , and finally ask him:

_Hello Sir, may I help you?

the client answers:

_hgg llbhgr blmmmnah plokrrrblmmnwstzzz?

the cashier understands immediately the man has a speech disorder. He asks again:

_sorry, I did not understand clearly what you just said.

And the man says:

_bllmxxx gll hgg llbhgr blmmmnah plokrrrblmmnwstzzz?

Then comes the second cashier:

_Would you please repeat?

_hgg llbhgr blmmmnah plokrrrblmmnwstzzz?

All clients gather, even the director come to help: no way. The man gets nervous, repeating many times "bllmxxx gll hgg llbhgr blmmmnah plokrrrblmmnwstzzz?"

After a while, the director says: I've got an idea. We have a guy who speaks like that, he works in the basement store. Go and find him, he may help".

So they do. 3 minutes after the employee from the basement arrives.

And a strange conversation takes place:

_hgg llbhgr blmmmnah plokrrrblmmnwstzzz?

_gll brrzzzfst bllmpftr zommmmhlbt (says the employee)

_bllmpr (says the client)

_dgdfg bllmxth shhh kcbrty.

And the employee goes to the basement. He comes back with a box that he gives to the client. With a smile of relief, he gives some money to the employee, and leaves the supermarket.

 

But at the end what was he asking for? ask everybody.

And the employee turns and says:

_hgg llbhgr blmmmnah plokrrrblmmnwstzzz

 

----------------------------------------------

 

Chicago. A drunken man comes out of a bar past midnight.

After a few steps, he hears a voice behind him:

_DRUNKARD!

He looks back, and sees a crocodile.

I'am drunk, he thinks, and continues to the next column.

_DRUNKARD!

He looks back again, the crocodile is still there, following him a few steps back.

Never mind he thinks, and continues.

_DRUNKARD!

This time, he noticed that indeed the crocodile pronounced this word.

Furious, he goes toward the crocodile who opens its mouth wide. He plunges his right hand into the crocodile's mouth, catch his tail from the inside, and pull dynamically the crocodile inside out like a sock.

Happy of himself, the guy continues to the next column.

Suddenly he hears behind him:

_DRAKNURD!

Edited December 6, 2010 by michel123456

[michel123456]

It is 8.00 in the morning, and the policeman is at the seaside. He looks at a little boy playing alone on the beach with his plastic bucket and his little spade.

_what are you doing here, little boy?

_I am making cops, answers the child.

_Cops?? And how are you doing that?

_Easy, I take some sand, some water and some shit, I put everything in the bucket and here you are: a cop.

_Grmbl go out of here at once and never play again such a game, shouts the policeman.

And the little boy goes away.

 

The next morning, the boy is there again.

The policeman approaches:

_Good morning my boy, what are you doing today?

_ I am making a fireman.

_Good, good. And how do you make a fireman?

_Easy, I take some sand, some water, I put everything in the bucket and here you are: a fireman.

_Hum, and why don't you put some shit in it?

_because if I put shit, it will become a cop.

 

-------------------------------------

 

The old lady to the little boy:

_What is your name?

_Robert.

_And how do mam and dad call you?

_ROOO-BEEE-RT

 

-----------------------------------

 

A couple of martians come to Earth to observe human behaviour. They go to the Amsterdam port at night, and enter a bar. It is bar for swinging partners, and nobody takes attention to their green look and their antennas. They begin a conversation with a young couple and decide to swap partners. So the human guy goes upstairs with the martian female, and the woman goes with the martian guy.

 

In the room, the girl strips completely, and so does the martian. The girl is laughing, his penis is so tiny.

_What is bothering you? No problem says the martian: he fiddles his left ear and zzzzz his penis becomes 2 feet long.

_Not bad say the girl, but it's like a spaghetti.

_No problem says the martian: he fiddles his right ear and wouzzz his penis grows like a balloon.

 

And of course, they spend a wonderful night together.

 

Next morning, the girl meets her boyfriend, the martians have left the bar incognito earlier.

_How was your night? ask the boy.

_Terrific, says the girl. How was yours?

_Not bad, not bad, except that the green girl fiddle my ears all the time.

Edited December 6, 2010 by michel123456

[TonyMcC]

Not really a joke - but this sign in a car park in Burnham, UK made me smile

[mississippichem]

 

What's the name of this compound?...Ferrous Wheel

[Moontanman]

The difference between the political right and the left

 

One side says... I'll try to reduce piss robot spending by 25%!

 

The other side says... I'll ask them not to aim for our mouths!

[Ringer]

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer

scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the

savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with

their binoculars.

 

The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there,

in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic !

There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !"

 

The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one

white zebra."

 

The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra,

which is white on one side."

[Djordje]

A psychologist makes an experiment with a mathematician and a physicist. He puts a good-looking, naked woman in a bed in one corner of the room and the mathematician on a chair in another one, and tells him: "I´ll half the distance between you and the woman every five minutes, and you´re not allowed to stand up." the mathematician runs away, yelling: "in that case, I´ll never get to this woman!". After that, the psychologist takes the physicist and tells him the plan. The physicist starts grinning. the psychologist asks him: "but you´ll never get to this woman?", the physicists tells him: "sure, but for all practical things this is a good approximation."

[Dan_Ny]

hahehahehhahahahah HAHAHAHAHAHA :D thx guys

some of them were pretty lame, now that I think of it...

[michel123456]

racist allowed?

 

A black man goes to the doctor.

 

_Doctor I feel pain in my left ear.

_We will see that, take off your clothes please.

_But doctor my problem...

_Please Mister, take off your clothes.

_O.K. doctor

_Please, skip, an go on your four in the middle of the room.

 

-O.K. doctor

 

_hmmm, says the doctor, now, could you please go there next to the wall?

 

And the patient goes on his four next to the wall.

 

_hum, now go there in the corner.

 

_But doctor what is that all about?

 

_Well, I have to apologize. I was thinking buying a new black table for my office and I really didn't know where to put it.

[Justa_kid]

an electron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a drink

the bartender looks at him and says "for you, no charge"

 

XD i loved this one i got it from big bang theory

[imatfaal]

an electron walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a drink

the bartender looks at him and says "for you, no charge"

 

XD i loved this one i got it from big bang theory

 

ermm... neutron perhaps

[mississippichem]

ermm... neutron perhaps

 

The electron actually gets paid for his drink.

[TonyMcC]

Just after I got married I was invited out for a night with the boys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight - promise!

 

The evening went well. The jokes were being told and the beer was going down easy. At around 3.a.m. full as a boot I went home.

 

Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realised that she'd probably wake up so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness even when drunk, to escape a possible conflict.

 

Next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why she said "Well at 3 a.m. this morning it cuckooed 3 times, paused, swore, cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, paused, cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled for over three minutes. - I think its had it, don't you?"

[Laurens]

People keep on sending me rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow

[Justa_kid]

i love the fact that we are still here after the rapture

 

and yes i meant a neutron

[John Cuthber]

A biochemist walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of adenosine triphosphat.

"Certainly" says the barman, "That will be eighty p"

[Hari Seldon]

a bit of a sexists joke but pretty funny

 

Yesterday,scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

[John Cuthber]

"they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer "

By my maths that's roughly two or three ounces each so I guess they must have been American men.