The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[-Demosthenes-]

This guy beat Anorexia.

[Phi for All]

A man phones the hospital and frantically tells the doctor, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are two minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The mans screams into the phone, "NO, you idiot! This is her husband!!!"

[jordan]

That guys shirt is hilarious. But so is the face on the guy next to him.

[Phi for All]

The phone company needs to hire a new crew to put in telephone poles for the summer. The applicants are two college students and two rednecks. The foreman tells them whoever puts in the most telephone poles in a day will win the job.

At the end of the day the college students report that they put in twelve poles. The foreman then goes to see the rednecks, Bubba and Duke. Duke tells him, "Bubba 'n me put in three!"

"But the college students put in twelve!" the foreman told them.

Duke just chuckles. "Yeah, but you should see how much of 'em they left stickin' out of the ground!"

[bloodhound]

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

 

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

 

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

 

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again .

[ydoaPs]

The square root of negative five walks up to the cute number eight and asks her out. What does she say?

 

 

"get real"

[bloodhound]

haha ha , thats a classic.

 

These is an error message when u dialed an incorrect number:

 

The number you have dialed is imaginary, please rotate your dial 90 degrees and try again.

[Kbzon59]

A sadic, a masoquist, a necrophyic, an assassin, a pyromaniac and a zoophlic see a cat and go like this:

zoo- lets fuck it

sadic- lets fuck it and beat it

assa- lets fuck it, beat it and kill it

necro- and then lets fuck it again

pyro- ok, so we fuck it, beat it, kill it, fuck it again and then we set it on fire

maso- MEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kbzon59]

A man see a new brand of condoms called "Olympian"

Buys a pack and goes to his girlfiend an shows them to her sdaying: look they come in gold, silver and bronze

Which one will you use today?

Gold of course

Really? I was hoping I could come beofr you this time

[Kbzon59]

A married couple

The guy: Honey, have an aspirin

the girl: an aspirin? But i dont have a headache

huy: well, then lets fuck!!

[swansont]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a

pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the

girl's father answers and invites him in.

 

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

 

"That's cool," says Bobby.

 

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies

politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

 

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear

all the kids are doing it."

 

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks

Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really

likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

 

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his

plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in

her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost

breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

 

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into

the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

'Dammit, Daddy! "The Twist!!" It's called "The Twist!!!"'

[Phi for All]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket.

 

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

 

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

 

The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

 

To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer.

 

"Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

 

Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

[Tesseract]

I heard that one before but the engineers were the ones that were smarter.

[Phi for All]

I heard that one before but the engineers were the ones that were smarter.

Engineers ARE smarter. Accountants are stingier with their money.

 

Stupid accountants:

 

Stanley was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

 

"Twenty-two," Stanley replied.

 

After he left the interview, he double-checked it on his calculator and realized he wouldn't get the job.

 

Two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! When Stanley went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong, the boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

[ydoaPs]

when I heard it, it was on a plane

[Phi for All]

It's no wonder we're all going insane:

 

1. You can get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Drug stores make sick people walk all the way to the back to get medicine while healthy people can buy cigarettes up at the front.

3. We leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway while our worthless junk is in the garage.

4. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

5. We cook with lemon juice made with artificial flavoring and use dishwashing liquid made with real lemons.

6. We put our faith in Psychics when none of them ever wins the lottery.

7. The most common computer operating system can only be stopped by pressing "Start".

8. When you're intoxicated, you feel sophisticated but can't say sophisticated.

9. The #2 pencil is the most popular.

10. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

[Phi for All]

A man wakes up in the hospital after a terrible car accident and sees a doctor looking at him with a very serious expression.

The man's eyes widen and he screams, "Doc, I can't feel my legs! Oh my God, I can't feel my legs!!!"

The doctor smiles reassuringly and says, "Your legs are fine, don't worry. You can't feel them because I had to amputate both your arms!"

[Phi for All]

A man is seated next to a woman on an airplane. When the plane has leveled off, the woman begins to sneeze. Each time she sneezes, she grabs the arms of her seat and arches her back for a few seconds before finally settling back down.

 

After five of these strange sneezes, the man leans over and asks, "Are you all right? I've never seen anyone sneeze like that before!"

 

She gives him a worn out smile and says, "I'm sorry if I've bothered you. I have a rare affliction: every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!"

 

The man looks shocked, then says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

 

With a grin, the woman replies, "Pepper."

[bloodhound]

to a canadian

 

"Do u like clubbing?"

[Tesseract]

to a canadian

 

"Do u like clubbing?"

 

what do you think

[Phi for All]

to a canadian

 

"Do u like clubbing?"

what do you think

Are we talking bars or baby harp seals?

[Phi for All]

A twelve-year old boy swaggers into a bar, walks up to the barmaid and says, "Bring me a double scotch straight up!"

The barmaid just looks at him and says, "What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?"

The boy looks her over and says, "Maybe later. For now, just bring me the scotch!"

[Mr_Mediocre]

There are some classics in here! Been cracking up...

 

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is phonetically not spelt so?

What colour does a smurf turn when you throttle him?

 

This one's a little crude but pretty funny.

 

An enebriated man is thrown in the lockup overnight for being drunk and disorderly. He had just been tossed to the floor, the officer locked the door and walked away. The man looks up to see his cellmate, a seven-foot tall monster of a man, covered in tattoos, beard and BO, towering over him.

 

"In here, we play this little game." said the goliath. "It's called 'mummies and daddies'. So who do you wanna be? The mummy? or the Daddy?". The drunkard, frightened out of his mind and not wishing to be either, replied "ahhh...look mate, I'm just really tired and need some sleep. Thanks anyway." The goliath simply repeated his initial question with more force "Who's ya gonna be? Mummy? or Daddy!?". The drunk is truly packing it now and realises that there is no way out of the situation. His suddenly much clearer brain arrived upon the lesser of the two evils and finally he announced "Well, if I have no choice, then...ahhh...I suppose...*damn* I'll have to be the Daddy." with which he started to psyche himself up for the coming ordeal. The Goliath smiled at his choice and said:

 

"Good. Now come over here and suck mummy's d**k"

 

hehehe....aww c'mon, there were worse ones earlier on....

[-Demosthenes-]

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

__________________________

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity.

 

"Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by.

 

The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

________________________________

 

Two missionaries were captured in a jungle for defiling the jungle by entering. The natives tell them they are to be punished and and gives them a choice Pongaponga or death. The first doesn't want to die so he chooses pongaponga, and they slowly peel off his skin and pour gallons of lemon juice on him and he crawls out of the forest barley alive. The second one can't go through with it so he chooses death. The natives all yell "DEATH BY PONGAPONGA"

_________________________________

 

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve food here"

[Phi for All]

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.