The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Rakdos]

Hi floor! Make me a sammwich!

[Rakdos]

More organs means more human. It *will* work.

[aommaster]

Here's another one:

 

A waiter was continuously requested by a customer to switch on the A/C as it was too hot. Then, 5 minutes later, he was told to switch it off. This happened throughout the whole hour.

 

Another customer was watching the patient waiter, looking for any signs of annoyance, but found none. So he asks the waiter "Why don't you throw him out? The is harrassment!" The waiter smiles "I have no problem with it as we don't even have an A/C!"

[Phi for All]

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What good deeds have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a long time, then said, "A month ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's good, but it's not really enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I gave seventy-five cents to a little old lady at the grocery store who was short on change." Saint Peter looked to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what should we do with him?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his dollar and tell him to go to Hell."

[Phi for All]

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer getting hit by a car and a dog getting hit by a car?

 

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

[Phi for All]

A Mafia Godfather has his thugs drag his former accountant into the room to kneel before him.

 

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer.

 

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

 

The Godfather's attorney, also present in the room, interrupts, "Godfather, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I speak sign language and I can interpret for you."

 

The Godfather says, "Ask him where my money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

 

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says doesn't know what you are talking about."

 

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, and cocks the trigger. The Godfather says, "Ask him again where my money is!"

 

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

 

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

 

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

 

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says...a fat piece of crap like you doesn't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

[Phi for All]

A drunk stumbles upon a Baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river. He stumbles down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

 

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

 

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

 

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

 

"No!" said the drunk.

 

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

 

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk again.

 

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"

 

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[aommaster]

A family were waiting at Gate 35 for their flight to board. The loudspeaker suddenly sounds and says "Air Delta has changed boarding gate from gate 35 to Gate 41". So, the family get up and move to gate 41. Just as they are going to settle down, the loudspeaker sounds again "Air Delta will now be boarding at gate 35 and NOT gate 41". So, again, they move to settle down and wait. Just as they are going to settle down, the loud speaker sounds again and says "Thank you for participating in Air Delta's passenger fitness programme"

[Phi for All]

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer called to solicit his donation.

 

When he got the lawyer on the phone, he said, "Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way."

 

The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no."

 

"Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?"

 

The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no."

 

"Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?"

 

The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea."

 

The lawyer barked, "Well, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!"

[aommaster]

LOL!!!! Good one!

 

A teacher started to teach psycology to frshmans, so he wanted to make an introductory lesson. He called out "Anyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up" None of the class stood up except for one boy. He asks the boy "Do you think you are stupid?" The boy replies "No, but it would be a shame for you to be standing there all by yourself!"

[Phi for All]

LOL!!!! Good one!

I feel like posting that so many times in this thread!! Like after virtually every joke!

 

Seriously (ha), everybody has been picking their best to post and I think we have one of the best collections of jokes I've seen in one place.

 

Keep it up! I'm determined to beat the Guns thread in Politics. WE have a ways to go. Count on one a day from me!

[drz]

Wow, I just read this entire thread, my stomach is killing me from laughing so much. I seen a few oldies, but most of the jokes are awesome. We could almost make a book of jokes out of this thread.

 

Anyhow, my lil contribution:

 

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man, and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

 

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

 

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

 

God said, "Ah, yes."

 

Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention":

1: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2: It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3: Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4: The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5: The maintenance costs are outrageous.

 

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

 

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[drz]

There was a horse and a chicken who lived on a farm together for many years. Over time they became close friends. They loved walking through the forest together. On one of these trips, the horse stumbled into a pit of quicksand. He pleaded for the chicken to run and have the farmer pull him out with his tractor.

 

So the chicken makes it back to the farm, but to his dismay finds the farmer had left on the tractor to make his monthly trip to town. However, the farmer, being quite succesfull had a brand new BMW Z3, and the chicken though "Well, this is an emergency, and the horse is my best friend. So he hops in the car, drives to the horse, tosses a rope out and pulls the horse to safety.

 

Some months later the duo decides to venture into the forest again. This time, the chicken stumbles into the quicksand. He pleads with the horse to get the farmer, but the horse simply tells the chicken "I'm going to straddle the puddle and lower my penis down, so all you have to do is grab hold and I'll pull you out. The horse does this, and pulls the chicken to safety. They live happily ever after.

 

The moral of the story: You don't need a Bmw to pick up chicks when your hung like a horse.

[drz]

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

 

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

 

____

 

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

 

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

 

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

[coquina]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN-NEAR EVERYBODY

 

1. What's the Cuban national anthem?

 

Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

 

2. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

 

A different bar.

 

3. Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?

 

They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

 

4. What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the

other?

 

A speech impediment.

 

5. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at

half-mast?

 

They're hiring.

 

6. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

 

Because they're not going to work in the future either.

 

7. What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?

 

A pimp.

 

8. Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only

on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?

 

Because on Tuesday and Thursday! , the Sex Ed class uses it.

 

9. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

 

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the page,

along with a recipe.

 

10. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

 

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell

 

*BINGO*!

 

11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern

fairytale?

 

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

 

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 

12. My, my, how time have changed.Years ago...When 100 white men chased

1 black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan;

 

today they call it the PGA TOUR.

 

13. Why is there no Disneyland in China?

 

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Guest deletestars]

Two hydrogens are walking along a street. The first one says, "Hey! I think I lost an electron!" The second one replies, "Are you sure?" The first one then says, "Yeah, I'm POSITIVE."

 

 

HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHHAAhahahaaa...

iz funny, no?

[drz]

11. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern

fairytale?

 

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."

 

A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

 

that sad part, this is pretty much true

[Phi for All]

I see Cap'n Refsmmat in the audience tonight. How ya doin', Cap'n? What is a Refsmmat anyway? Is it something football officials wrestle on or what? I just think of him as Cap'n Refreshment, but I'm not sure if he's old enough to drink....

[Phi for All]

Hey, there's Aommaster! This guy has played so much Age of Mythology his head is shaped like a pyramid! He has so much God Power built up that he's been telling President Bush to invade Jordan! He's going after Egypt next, but he wants to use the Vikings instead of tanks!

[Phi for All]

Hey, where's Tesseract been all month? Doesn't he realize his post count is going down? When you live in Antarctica, anywhere you go for vacation's gotta be warmer. What if he comes back from vacation and starts to make sense? Then we'll have to go on vacation....

[-Demosthenes-]

OH OH do me! Do me!

[Phi for All]

Oh, great, there's Demosthenes. Listening to Weezer, eating mayo on white bread and trying not to be angry about anything. Seriously, did you know he's really a black man with a prison record living in the suburbs under the witness protection program? Sorry, D, it had to be told.   I gotta say it makes me a little nervous when an ex-con with a Greek name screams, "Do ME! Do ME!", but I'll just write a little song about it! Doomy Doomy Doomy Doom!

[Rakdos]

do me now plz

[aommaster]

Hey, there's Aommaster! This guy has played so much Age of Mythology his head is shaped like a pyramid! He has so much God Power built up that he's been telling President Bush to invade Jordan! He's going after Egypt next, but he wants to use the Vikings instead of tanks!

 

 

You don't know how true this is! I just fought Jordan (from the science forums) on Sunday! MY you can read minds when you have not SEEN the person!

[inamorata]

Oh these jokes are hilarious! The Mafia Godfather joke had me laughing out loud. Brilliant.

 

And sadly, the best I can come up with is:

 

Whats brown and sticky?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A stick. :/