The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Phi for All]

Bush and Kerry went fishing. Kerry went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back empty-handed and Kerry came back with fifteen.

 

The next day Bush still didn't catch any and Kerry caught twenty-seven fish.

 

So on the third day, Bush sent a CIA "contractor" to spy on Kerry. Bush didn't catch a thing and Kerry caught thirty-four fish that day. Bush furiously demands to know from the CIA if Kerry is cheating.

 

"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

[5614]

no, post #376 or the kids question thing was quite good, but the other two werent your strongest yet, i think if you dont worry so much about the PG-13 thing, just dont go sex mad again!

[Phi for All]

Everyone's a critic! I'll try to remember some old Clinton jokes for Cap'n since he can't be bothered! 5614, I'm sorry the penis jokes were so offensive to you! I thought only Americans were uptight about their willies! I'll try real hard to remember all the humor criteria you've set forth. Thanks so much for your input on my efforts. I don't know what I would do without it. Perhaps in the future I should PM the two of you before posting. There's nothing funnier than humor by committee! DISMISSED!!!

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

You just don't have his style. (R. Lee Ermy's)

[Phi for All]

Yeah, I decided to use his bubble after I had written the sarcasm.

 

Try me, the next one will be better.

 

I kinda like using Cartman to swear like $%&* but I'm afraid people will take it personally.

[Dave]

I still like the lawyer jokes most tbh

[Phi for All]

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

 

"Sure do," said the bartender.

 

"Good," replied the man. "I'll have a beer, and gimme a lawyer for my 'gator."

[Phi for All]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

 

The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."

 

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

 

The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."

 

The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

 

The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

 

The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

 

The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.

 

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[Phi for All]

An engineer, a scientist, and a lawyer all went deer hunting for the first time. After two days of no luck they decided to split up. When they met back at camp that night, the engineer had bagged himself a deer. "It was really quite easy," he said when the other two asked him about it. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got the deer."

 

The next day the scientist came back to camp dragging in his kill. "You were right," he told the engineer, "it was easy. I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got the deer."

 

The following evening the engineer and the scientist came back to camp, only to find the lawyer all beat up and bleeding. When they asked what happened, the lawyer told them, "I did just what you guys said to do. I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got hit by a train!"

[aommaster]

I love that one, aommaster!

 

 

I knew you would like it! Its a science forum isn't it?

[5614]

[bubble=ermy]Everyone's a critic! I'll try to remember some old Clinton jokes for Cap'n since he can't be bothered! 5614, I'm sorry the penis jokes were so offensive to you! I thought only Americans were uptight about their willies! I'll try real hard to remember all the humor criteria you've set forth. Thanks so much for your input on my efforts. I don't know what I would do without it. Perhaps in the future I should PM the two of you before posting. There's nothing funnier than humor by committee! DISMISSED!!![/bubble']

 

hey, i never said i had a problem with your jokes! that i do take personally, i have no problem with the 18+ jokes, really, it was someone else who said that there mums were watching over their backs, i just said dont go sex mad, coz some rude jokes wont go amiss either, and you can be rude about, i dont mind, so long as its funny and it stays in this thread!

[Thales]

Q: Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?

 

A: The cats keep covering them up with sand.

[Dave]

The following evening the engineer and the scientist came back to camp, only to find the lawyer all beat up and bleeding. When they asked what happened, the lawyer told them, "I did just what you guys said to do. I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got hit by a train!"

 

Classic

[Phi for All]

Lawyers make the best racquetball players; they can stoop lower than anybody!

 

The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name.

 

It's so cold this winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets!

 

The difference between a lawyer and a leech is that when you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

 

The most effective hostages terrorists can take are lawyers; if the terrorist's demands aren't met, they release one every hour.

[Phi for All]

In the spotlight tonight is NavajoEverclear, which is also the name of a cocktail here at the SFN Comedy Club, sort of a native American martini with an ear of corn instead of an olive. Unfortunately, NavEv comes from a broken home. His mom and dad are both slaughtering rat people who drifted apart after the disappointment of Navajo's birth. It seems this squealy meat child didn't share their vision of beady-eyed devastation, prefering chinese food and long walks on the beach. Forced to flee his beloved Blorch, NavEv hitched a ride with a passing Irkan and ended up running a Morman taco stand in the western US here on Earth. Oh, how the measly have fallen! He dreams of moving to Illinois and settling down with Dream Lord and raising a cheesy swarm of rabid rat children he can call his own. Oh, such tacos will he give!

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

Do you suffer from depression, asthma, nausea, AIDS, telerectal gastroidal concubinicitis, squeaky trousers, dead hamsters, cubic arrythmea, gonorrheal hat syndrome, Fledgly-Hupmobile Syndrome, mitosis, frequent and painful death, or Spheroidal Nose Syndrome? Well, have we got the pill for you! It’s OxyHygrolstomatosilicomanoLudvigBethovenGazzbusterolipiumupasilicanpercalifragilisticsilicovolcanothisissillyBoleroOxyHudopiumspamspamspamlupgoemoamgetrin! This pill is made from the highest quality sarin and mustard gas in such a pure form that we guarantee, or your money back, that only 1/100th of a gram will kill you! Only 1/100th of a gram! In fact, you can keep our free lead-plated coffin as a gift if you return it!

Side effects are mild and may include blurred vision, convulsions, uncontrollable bowel movements, blindness, numbness, uncontrollable vomiting, death of the mucus membranes, uncontrolled breathing, high blood pressure, skyrocketing pulse rate, coma, death, depression, asthma, nausea, zits, blackheads, redheads, bedheads, fountainheads, deadheads, figureheads, gearheads, blockheads, buttheads, AIDS, telerectal gastroidal concubinicitis, squeaky trousers, dead hamsters, cubic arrythmea, gonorrheal hat syndrome, Fledgly-Hupmobile Syndrome, mitosis, frequent and painful death, and finally Spheroidal Nose Syndrome. OxyHygrolstomatosilicomanoLudvigBethovenGazzbustrolipiumupasilicanpercalifragilisticsilicovolcanothisissillyBoleroOxyHudopiumspamspamspamlupgoemoamgetrin is not suitable for anyone. Ask your psychiatrist to see if you should take our 10 milligram sample version. Available by prescription only at any good assisted-suicide vendor. And if you call 1-800-KILL-ME in the next ten minutes, with your credit card ready, you’ll get an extra ten pills for FREE! (Plus ten dollars shipping and handling) So call in the next ten minutes, but if you forget, you’ll still get our free lead-plated coffin as a gift! That’s right! You can keep it as a gift! Local restrictions apply. Prohibited where assisted suicide is illegal. We are not liable for any medical damages caused by this pill. Thank you.

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

Yes, I DID make that myself. (with a little help from my family)

[Phi for All]

Yes, I DID make that myself. (with a little help from my family)

My favorite part is the extra ten pills for FREE! (Plus ten dollars shipping and handling).

 

 

 

 

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper lectures him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

 

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"

 

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."

 

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."

 

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

 

"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."

 

"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

 

After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[Rakdos]

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and

complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy

was

buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out,

including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty

Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was

piled

high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy,

describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

 

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled

with

many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much

of

his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times,

even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart.

 

Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two

children, and one in the oven.

 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[ydoaPs]

A bartender walks up to a man at a bar. He says "You'll have to leave. You look like hitler, and that scares some people."

The man says "I am Hitler."

The bartender says "You can stay, but you have to sit in back."

Hitler says "When you're not busy, come back here and talk to me."

The bartender has a little free time, so he decides to talk to Hitler.

Hitler says "I did it all wrong last time. This time it will be different."

The bartender says "How?"

Hitler said "This time, I'll kill 6 million Jews and one pizza guy."

The bartender asks "Why the pizza guy?"

Hitler says "See, I told you no one cared about the Jews!"

[Thales]

I recieved this one via e-mail the other day;

 

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far

during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

 

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw

her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

 

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak

from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

 

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my

mother and father."

 

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some

deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

 

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we

can expect the same thing again."

 

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't

like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

 

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the

IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

 

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've

got eleven Dicks on the field."

 

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is

that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses

them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[5614]

Sign Posted At A Golf Club In Scottsdale, Arizona

 

1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart.

 

2. Form A Loose Grip.

 

3. Keep Your Head Down.

 

4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing.

 

5. Stay Out Of The Water.

 

6. Try Not To Hit Anyone.

 

7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Please Let Others Go Ahead Of You.

 

8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others.

 

9. Quiet Please...while Others Are Preparing To Go.

 

10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.

 

 

 

 

Well Done - Now Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off!

[Phi for All]

ExtraSense is in our audience tonight, sipping a pseudo-soda and trying to convince everyone he's smarter than NASA. That's him over there in the 3D glasses and the Napolean hat! ExtraSense is a man of vision, and that vision lets him see that Mars isn't covered with rocks, it's populated with mushrooms and pythons and lambs, oh my! He has the biggest thread in pseudo-science, filled with proof that has everyone shaking their heads. Roverboy has stood up to the finest minds at SFN and NASA and said, "They're not just rocks in MY head!" He wants to open the first Martian zoo, filled with stingrays and elephants and dinosaurs, and all proceeds from the sale of his 3D glasses will help get him off-planet, so be generous! ExtraSense, we keep wondering why your siblings PerfectSense and CommonSense are never around when you're posting?

[RICHARDBATTY]

Two guys of limited intelligence were the only two survivors from a ship that sank in the ocean. Luckily they managed to salvage an inflatable raft and a box of provisions before the ship slipped beneath the surface of the sea. After floating under a blazing sun for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating towards them on the surface of the ocean.

 

As it drew near the pair became really excited, it was an oil lamp (Famous in all the genie jokes)

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it hard with all the energy they could muster, POOF! out popped a tired old genie who said......

 

"OK so you freed me from this stupid lamp, blah, blah, blah. But hey, I've been doin this 3 wishes crap for a long time now & quite frankly, l'm pissed off & burned out. You guys get ONE wish & ONE wish only, then I'm outta here, happy retirement here I come, so make your wish a good one!"

 

The first guy without hesitation or thought blurts out, "God we're soooo thirsty, give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!"

"Fine" says the genie

POOF! The genie turns the ocean into ice-cold beer!

 

"Great move Einstein!" says the second guy, slapping the first guy over the head.

"Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!!!"

[RICHARDBATTY]

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your t*ts' he says. You dirty git' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.' The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your a**e and lick it all off' he says. 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside down, fill your f**ny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop.' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up, Love?' he asks. 'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my t*ts and lick the sweat off' she says. 'I'll kill him. where is he?' storms the husband. 'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my a**e cheeks and lick it off' she screams. 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my f**ny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically. 'Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 18 pints of Guinness...