John Cuthber Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 Seasons greetings. 75 million homes to visit? Have the Americans forgotten about the rest of the world again? 1
Moontanman Posted December 22, 2013 Posted December 22, 2013 The real reason we didn't go back to the moon... https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=286013904886779
Externet Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' U.S. is in trouble: 1 . I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ..'' Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa '' His response -- click. 3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG) 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!) 5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage. 8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' 10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) Called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'' 12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?'' The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'' Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.. ,, 2
John Cuthber Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 OK, this isn't really funny, but... http://www.snopes.com/travel/trap/congress.asp
iNow Posted December 23, 2013 Posted December 23, 2013 FYI Ed - Perhaps a better home for that brand of jokes exists over here: http://www.scienceforums.net/topic/35130-political-humor/ Cheers.
Moontanman Posted December 24, 2013 Posted December 24, 2013 cats... https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=PKffm2uI4dk
arc Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 A city slicker is watching a Maine farmer remove some of the previous winter's crop of field stones that arrive every year. As the farmer approaches the road where city slicker is watching from he speaks up. City Slicker: Where did all those rocks come from? Farmer: The glacier brought 'em. City Slicker: Where did the glacier go? Farmer: Back for more rocks.
Lightmeow Posted January 2, 2014 Posted January 2, 2014 Sunday SchoolLittle Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Endy0816 Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Got to love cats "He's good at quantum physics, just don't get him started on Schrödinger." 5
John Cuthber Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 Two cats are sliding down a roof, which one falls off first? The one with the lowest mew. 1
Lightmeow Posted January 6, 2014 Posted January 6, 2014 And another: “Kant walks into a bar—only he doesn’t, a prerequisite of movement being three-dimensional space, which is merely an illusory construct of pure intuition.” I don't know why I find this one funny 3
michel123456 Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 (edited) Sir Archibald sits near the fireplace, looks a lady Anna, his wife, and whispers: "My lady, tonight I want to do it like dogs". _O Archibald! Schocking! Please don't drink so much sherry and calm down. The next evening, Sir Archibald again: "tonight I want to do it like dogs" _Schocking Archibald! Don't you think about anything else. Never speak like that again, I beg you! After a few days: "I want to do it like dogs" _No, no, no! That is not under question. But I want to do it like dogs! Ok, Ok, if that pleases you so much. But promise me we'll go on a street where nobody knows us. Edited January 10, 2014 by michel123456
imatfaal Posted January 10, 2014 Posted January 10, 2014 The Jokes thread was the only place this fitted. Really? Reeaallly? No - didn't think you actually mean that 3
Lightmeow Posted January 11, 2014 Posted January 11, 2014 Some funny ones I found: George Carlin once said: Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection? David Brenner said: Gasoline prices are highest in Hawaii, closing in on $4 a gallon. President Bush said, “See, I told you it wasn’t only in our country!
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