The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[5614]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

_________________________

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[Phi for All]

Three guys are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in big trouble!"

 

"Hold on," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick it on your forehead," and when they've all done that and stashed the bottles, he pulls over.

 

The police officer then walks up and says, "You guys were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

 

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give it up. We're on the patch!"

[Phi for All]

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

 

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with your examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

 

The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."

 

The doctor says, "His heart is fine, but I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

 

The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

[YT2095]

anyone hear about that native american indian that drank over 1,000 cups of tea in a day?

apparently he drowned in his own teepee!

[Phi for All]

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. He was in the woods and suddenly there was a grizzly bear in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. Do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

 

The doctor said, "There was a loud bang and the bear dropped dead in front of him!"

 

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Not with an umbrella! Someone else must have shot that bear."

 

The doctor smiled widely and said, "Ah, good, you see my point!"

[YT2095]

2 Trucks were Hijacked on a quiet stretch of road, the cargo of 2 ton of carrots and several crates of cigarettes were stolen.

the police are now searching for a rabbit with a bad cough

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

Three guys are driving around' date=' drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in big trouble!"

 

"Hold on," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick it on your forehead," and when they've all done that and stashed the bottles, he pulls over.

 

The police officer then walks up and says, "You guys were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

 

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give it up. We're on the patch!"[/quote'] That's a true story, in America's Dumbest Criminals.

[Phi for All]

That's a true story, in America's Dumbest Criminals.

Get out of town!?! That's too funny! If I was the cop that pulled them over, I'd have let them go (as long as they walked home). Like this one:

 

 

Doing 90 in a 65, a guy in a Ferrari knows he's in trouble when a cop pulls in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 100, 120, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. Finally giving up, he pulled over.

 

The cop approached the car and said," You know, I was just about to go home to my family. If you can give me a really good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen, I might just let you off this one time."

 

"Well," the guy says, "Just last week my wife ran off with a cop."

 

"And?" the cop asks.

 

"When I saw you chasing me, I thought you were trying to bring her back!"

 

(The cop let him go)

[coquina]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

 

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a

sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.

 

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the

holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

 

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the

conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

 

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to

fit the halo."

 

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

 

"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

 

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that !"

[Phi for All]

Now THAT'S funny!

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

TRUE STORY:

 

A police officer catches a guy speeding down a road in the middle of town. He walks up to the guys door and asks, "Sir, I clocked you at [insanely high number] miles per hour. Just why were you going this fast?"

"I gotta go!"

"No, sir, you need to explain to me what you were doing or I'll give you a ticket."

"I GOTTA GO!"

"What?"

"I have diarrhea real bad, and, well, I GOTTA GO!"

 

_____________

 

A police officer pulls a woman over for speeding, and asks her what she was doing.

"I wath goingth homb fum te mentis an I ned pankiwer!"

Of course, the officer can't tell what she's saying, until about ten minutes later he figures out that she came from the dentist and the painkiller had worn off, and she wanted to get home. Thinking it was a trick, he said, "Ma'am, I've heard that there was a bank robbery, and the description of the car fits this car perfectly. Can I take you in?"

"HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF BEING A COMMON CRIMINAL! I would do no-- oops..."

[Phi for All]

A one dollar bill met a hundred dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

 

The hundred answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, did some political payoffs, some drug deals, went to a couple of football games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

 

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."

[Phi for All]

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO of the whole company standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

 

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

 

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

 

"Excellent, excellent! I can't tell you how important this is and how much I appreciate your help," said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

[coquina]

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that you CAN make a difference when you give a child the gift of your time...

 

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot.

 

The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

 

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

 

At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope which contained $2.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account.

 

When they talked to the bank teller, she was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay check at such a young age. The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew

building the house next door to us."

 

"My goodness gracious" said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

 

The little girl replied, "I will if those a$$holes at Home Depot ever deliver the fu<kin' sheet rock..."

[Phi for All]

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

 

Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

 

The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use a thawed chicken.''

[YT2095]

LOL

 

here`s a classic: and Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were captured in the jungle by canibal tribesmen and were tied to posts and granted one last wish before they were killed.

 

the Scotsman asked for bottle of whiskey, shortly after he`d drunk the bottle, he was killed , his skin taken off and used to make a canoe.

the English man and Irishman got really scared at this point, but it was now the Englishmans turn, he asked for a plate of roast beef and yorkshire pudding, shortly after he`de eaten it, the same fate befell him, his skin was taken off and stretched out and made into a canoe.

 

Then came the Irishmans turn, "what`s your last wish" asked the cheif of tribe, the Irishman thought for a minute and said "I`de be wanting a fork please"

 

the Cheif looking puzzeled went off and brought back a fork for him. The Irishman quickly grabbed the fork and started stabbing himself all over with it whilst shouting "You`ll NOT be making a Canoe out of me ya buggers!"

[Phi for All]

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar.

"Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I here that St Patrick was a shift lifter."

 

"Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

 

With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and here he was a pervert too."

 

"Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds.

 

"I know how to rile this tosser," says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman. "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?"

 

The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

[J'Dona]

As long as we're on Englishman/Sctosman/Irishman jokes, here's a highly edited one...

 

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman were standing beside a cliff, accompanied by the rich and eccentric Duchess of Sloufingboroughtonshire. Planting herself on a rock with a good view of the water and rocks below, she beckons them over.

 

"Now, my good gentlemen, I have for you a challenge of your strength and bravery. To whomever can jump off of this cliff and survive, I shall award one million pounds sterling."

 

The Scotman leaps off immediately and, for several seconds, experiences perfect weightlessness, followed by a thousand fatal G's as he hits a rock.

 

The Irishman, not to be outdone, careens off the edge with a spin, hits the wall twice, and splits like a watermelon as he catches one of the outcroppings.

 

The Englishman steps back and bows. "After you, madam."

[Phi for All]

You`ll NOT be making a Canoe out of me ya buggers!

 

 

That's one of my favorite jokes EVER, YT!

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact' date=' it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

 

Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly.

 

The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use a thawed chicken.''[/quote'] That's a legend (purported to be true). On MythBusters they tried thawed and frozen chickens and they both blasted a hole straight through the windshield. Then they measured the impact time with the chicken fired at a wall, and calculated which did more damage. It was the same.

[Phi for All]

That's a legend (purported to be true).

No, that's A JOKE!!!

[YT2095]

here`s a true one, a laptop was designed many years ago that was said to be unbreakable, it was dropped from great heights, could stand a large car driving over it, even being submersed in water for several metres.

a company up north wanted to see it for further testing, so it was sent via Royal Mail. several days later it arrived... Broken!

[Phi for All]

LOL, sounds just like the US Postal Service!

 

 

Two guys go out golfing and get to a fairway with a lake on the side. The first guy shakes his head and says, "I lose so many balls into this lake!"

 

The second guy says, "You should use one of these balls," and shows his buddy a seemingly ordinary golf ball. "It's fantastic! If you hit it into the water, it not only floats, it has a small motor and some kind of sonar that directs it to the nearest shore!"

 

The first guy says, "That's incredible! What if you slice it into the woods?"

 

"No problem," says the second guy. "If it senses trees around itself, after three minutes it begins to whistle loudly so you can find it anywhere!"

 

"Wow! But what if it gets too dark to see it?"

 

"After ten minutes, it begins to glow brightly and after fifteen minutes it will start hopping up and down, playing Stars and Stripes Forever! You can't miss it!"

 

The first guy is really impressed. "I need one of those. Where did you get it?"

 

The second guy smiles widely and says, "I found it!"

[123rock]

What's dumber than a brunette building a house under water?

 

A blonde trying to burn it down.

[5614]

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

 

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

 

Another man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

 

Two men walked into a bar.

You would think at least one of them would have ducked!