The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[npts2020]

Gotta love Tree Lobsters

[timo]

Kind of my favourite joke at the moment, mostly because my work reminds me of it so often. Hope I did not actually have it from this thread:

 

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are given a small red rubber ball and the task to determine its volume.

- The mathematician measures the circumference and then calculates radius and volume using the relations of a sphere.

- The physicists dumps the ball into a measuring container with water and measures the amount of water that is displaced.

- The engineer goes looking for the industry norm for "small red rubber balls".

[Moontanman]

This is why you should never take your wife to the state fair.

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first
exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached
that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife
playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated
50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that
said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me
a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that
said, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife was so
excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from
this one.'

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
with the same old cow."

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I
should eventually make a full recovery.

[arc]

[Moontanman]

[MonDie]

 

I need a speedometer while I'm at it!

Living up to my username unfortunately.

Edited December 3, 2015 by MonDie

[RuthlessOptimism]

I have two jokes that I learned awhile ago.

 

1.) "The number you have dialed is imaginary, please hang up, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again".

 

2.) "A mathematics professor finished his very long complicated derivation with a flourish of the chalk on the chalkboard saying: "and so this result is obvious". A student stood up in class and asked: "Is it obvious?". The professor opened his mouth to speak then stopped, he began again and stopped again. He began to stroke his beared, eventually pacing back and forth across the front of the room muttering to himself, eventually he left the room and came back with a coffee, when he was finished his coffee a twinkle entered his eye he looked up with a smile on his face and triumphantly said: "yes"."

[TJ McCaustland]

Best medical joke ever: A doctor asks a patient "Do you have a will sir?" The man replies "Keep me alive till I'm Dead!"

[Mad For Science]

There are 10 sorts of people, Those that understand Binary, and Those that don`t

[edit} just realised post #2 here: http://www.scienceforums.net/forums/showthread.php?t=1159

 

nevermind, it`s old but good

There's a 50% chance that you are correct, a 40% chance that you are not and a 20% chance that my math is wrong.

Has anyone ever noticed that a lot of the words used in chemistry have something to do with a certain part of the anatomy?

 

I mean there's;

 

ANALyse

ASSay

ARSEnic

Benzene RING

BUTanal

Diurea

 

there is even a class of compounds called 'Arsoles'.

 

Strange huh?

Edited December 13, 2015 by Mad For Science

[EdEarl]

[Endy0816]

[Moontanman]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[Endy0816]

Good one. Family laughed too.

Edited January 23, 2016 by Endy0816

[michel123456]

It is not a joke

[Moontanman]

Possibly a long night playing role playing games and reality do not mix?

 

[Rajnish Kaushik]

Knock Knock

Whose this

Man

Who man?

Human!!

.

.

.

.

well that was lame :')

[zapatos]

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "I'll have some H2O". The second says "I'll have have H2O too!".

The second one died...

[Phi for All]

A cowboy walks into an empty bar. "Where is everybody?" he asks the bartender.

 

"They're at the hanging," says the bartender.

 

"Who're they hanging?" asks the cowboy.

 

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

 

"What kind of name is that?"

 

"Well, he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper chaps, and brown paper boots."

 

"Well, that's weird. What are they hanging him for?"

 

"Rustling."

[zapatos]

Q. What is the square root of 69?

 

A. Eight something.

[Phi for All]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, I'll serve you tonight, but don't start anything!"

 

 

 

 

A skeleton walks into a bar. He tells the bartender, "Gimme a beer and a roll of paper towels, please."

[Daedalus]

[Moontanman]

Ok dudes and dudettes, what would you do if you walked into this coffee shop... after you changed your underwear of course..

 

 

[Sensei]

That should be banned! It's mistreat with cruelty poor chimp..

 

[Moontanman]

I think maybe she needs to throttle back on the 'roids...

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ClYRxU25Pw

Edited June 24, 2016 by Moontanman

[EdEarl]