The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[J'Dona]

It's not really meant as a stand-alone joke, but here's one of my favourite quotes from Douglas Adams (from "So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish"). Maybe it's not as funny without context, but it cracks me up...

 

 

There is' date=' for some reason, something especially grim about pubs near stations, a very particular kind of grubbiness, a special kind of pallor to the pork pies.

 

Worse than the pork pies, though, are the sandwiches.

 

There is a feeling which persists in England that making a sandwich interesting, attractive, or in any way pleasant to eat is something sinful that only foreigners do.

 

'Make 'em dry,' is the instruction buried somewhere in the collective national consciousness, 'make 'em rubbery. If you have to keep the buggers fresh, do it by washing 'em once a week.'

 

It is by eating sandwiches in pubs on Saturday lunchtimes that the British seek to atone for whatever their national sins have been. They're not altogether clear what those sins are, and don't want to know either. Sins are not the sort of things one want to know about. But whatever sins there are are amply atoned for by the sandwiches they make themselves eat.

 

If there is anything worse than the sandwiches, it is the sausages which sit next to them. Joyless tubes, full of gristle, floating in a sea of something hot and sad, stuck with a plastic pin in the shape of a chef's hat: a memorial, one feels, for some chef who hated the world, and died, forgotten and alone among his cats on a back stair in Stepney.

 

The sausages are for the ones who know what their sins are and wish to atone for something specific.[/quote']

[Sorcerer]

You don’t get it?!

 

Alright alright here’s another:

 

There’s a man and his best friend' date=' a bird, on a plane. This guy in front of them is smoking a cigar and it started to make the bird cough.

 

The bird tells his friend, “Will you please tell this guy in front of us to stop smoking? It’s making me cough.”

 

So the man says the the smoker, “Hey will you stop smoking that cigar? Its making my bird cough.” And the smoker says, “No I wanna enjoy this cigar.”

 

A little later the bird is coughing even worse and the bird says,”Hey you gota tell this guy to stop smoking he’s making me sick.”

 

So the man says to the smoker, “Hey will you please stop smoking? You’re making my bird sick.” And the man says, “No I wanna enjoy this here cigar.”

 

After a while the bird is about to die and he says, “You gota tell this guy to stop smoking I’m gona die soon.”

 

So the man says to the smoker, “Hey will you stop smoking?! You’re killing my bird!” And the man says, “No! I wanna enjoy the rest of this cigar in peace!”

 

The bird says, “Hey I got an idea. You tell this guy that if he throws the cigar out the window then you will throw me out the window and I can fly back in.”

 

So he says to the smoker, “Hey if I throw my bird out the window will you throw the cigar out?” And he agrees.

 

They throw the cigar and bird out at the same time and the bird flies back in with something in its mouth.

 

Do you know what was in its mouth?[/quote']

 

I'm changing the punchline to, and the bird is sucked into the jet engine and the planes crashes and burns.

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

No, because that doesn't fit with the other stories.

[Phi for All]

Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut that out!" The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way.

 

After about five minutes the second tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger apologizes again and they continue.

 

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again licks the but of the lead tiger. The lead tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I told you to stop!"

 

The second tiger says, "I really am sorry, but I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[Phi for All]

A stranger was seated next to Sayonara³ on the plane when the stranger turned to Sayonara³ and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

Sayonara³, who had just opened his new biology book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," said Sayonara³. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces large clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

 

"Well, then," said Sayonara³, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[Phi for All]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, it's good to be back! I see we have Pangloss in the audience tonight. What exactly is that, some new kind of Teflon coating? Seriously, we're glad he could make it, even though he's lost his tan and he's looking kind of pruney. Was it a little overcast at the beach in Florida this summer? After surviving all those hurricanes, I think he's extra pale after looking up here on stage and seeing a Tin Man with a microphone. You're not in Florida anymore, Dorothy! Pangloss is still an undecided Florida voter, so both candidates are trying to woo him. I think he has enough ketchup and grits to last a lifetime! Kerry and Bush both chipped in and bought him a vintage Corvair, just to piss off Nader! Just remember, DON'T TURN RIGHT TOO FAST, PANGLOSS!

[5614]

A stranger was seated next to Sayonara³...

thats a good idea, now we've kinda worn off the 'Gir Stand-up's, maybe you could start doing 'adventures of...' that'd be cool!

 

 

atttached (below) is a funny image about understanding toilet technology:

[Phi for All]

thats a good idea, now we've kinda worn off the 'Gir Stand-up's,

Since you're "worn off", I won't bother again.

 

 

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private church school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

 

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies.

 

"Are they teaching you math in a different way?" she asks.

 

"Not really," he says, "but as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

[5614]

Since you're "worn off", I won't bother again.

 

you took it the wrng way, its just you have done it for most of the main people on the forums and you have used up loadsa great great lines and ideas... now maybe you can go through all of the forum members again but with something slightly different (eg. adventures of!).

i think that people liked it when rather than the "normal" jokes there were ones about specific people we know.

really, gir stand ups were great - keep going, but there arent that many well known member that you havent done on for, and rather than doing a 2nd one, a variation would allow you to come up with loads more new funny ideas...

plz dont take that the wrong way, all your stuff is very funny, this is just a suggestion for a new thing (which you started!).

[J'Dona]

Worn off? Those GIR stand-ups are hilarious! However, Phi for All has yet to do one on himself...

 

 

Here's a joke to make it look like I wasn't just posting to point that out (I think I've told you this one before on chat, 5614):

 

What do you call someone who speaks three languages?

- Trilingual

What do you call someone who speaks two languages?

- Bilingual

What do you call someone who speaks one language?

- English

 

Or at least in most cases...

[drz]

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.

 

"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while.

 

"I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"

 

The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.

 

"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"

 

The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist.

 

"I don't know."

 

_

 

Thought I'd try to make up for butchering my last one

[drz]

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny.

 

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan."

 

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?"

 

Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!"

 

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

 

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

[Primarygun]

The thread has been viewed over 10000 times!

[Gilded]

"The thread has been viewed over 10000 times!"

 

Yay for Jokes thread! Pwning j00 with good jokes - since the first post (can't be arsed to check when it was)

 

Three surgeons discuss about their accomplishments during a conference break.

1st Surgeon: A man got his arms blown off by grenade shrapnels and I fixed them. He is the world's best sniper today.

2nd Surgeon: That's nothing! A woman got his both legs blown off by a mine and I fixed them. She's the world's best dancer today.

3rd Surgeon: OK, those are both great accomplishments but nothing compared to my best work.

1st & 2nd Surgeons: What's that then?

3rd Surgeon: Well, there was an accident at an explosives factory that left behind only a horse's behind and I fixed it. And today, that horse's ass is the president of the United States!

[Phi for All]

Zeke and Ike are sitting on the front porch in a couple of rocking chairs, enjoying the occasional breeze on a hot summer's day. At one point, Ike elbows Zeke and points down at the dog, who is thoroughly licking his own balls. "I sure wish I could do that!" says Ike, grinning.

 

Zeke frowns and says, "I think you should pet him first."

[Gilded]

A guy from Texas visits Finland. He goes on a guided tour, but everything seems to be too small. "And here's the famous church", the guide says. "Oh, how small it is!" Minutes then pass, and they arrive at a famous statue. "Oh, how small it is!", the Texan shouts again. The guide really starts to get pissed off. Soon, a huge hedgehog runs over the road. "Wow, what was that?!", the Texan says amazed. The guide then realizes that his big chance has come and says: "Oh that... it seems that the crab lice are rather small this year."

[pi_of_9]

4 nuns in line at the Pearly Gates

 

St. Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever broken your vow of chasity? The nun replies, "I saw a man's privates once and lusted". Peter saus "go to the bowl of holy water over there and wash your eyes with it. Then you may proceed to Heaven.

 

St Peter asked the 2nd nun the same question to which she replied, "I touch a man's private parts once". St. Peter says, "Wash your hands in the Holy Water then proceed to Heaven"

 

There's a commotion as the 4th nun runs toward the bowl of Holy Water. St Peter asks "Where are you going?" The nun replies, "I'm going to rinse my mouth before she puts her a** in it.

[Gilded]

*sorry for the following gypsy joke, got to make fun of SOME group of people *

 

Three gypsies are at the Pearly Gates.

Gypsies: Can we get in?

St. Peter: No, go to hell!

 

St. Peter then walks away and informs God about this. God is mad at Peter and says "How rude of you! Gypsies are welcome in Heaven, go and apologize!". Peter leaves. Soon, he comes back shouting.

 

St. Peter: They're gone, they're gone!

God: The gypsies?

St. Peter: No, the Pearly Gates!

[Mad Mardigan]

Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in Orlando.

 

My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address.

 

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more. You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for months, mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to con tact him anyway. The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's bank.

 

Dear Mr. Hanson,

Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00 service charge from you account. Please adjust your records accordingly.

Sincerely,

The Phoenix Branch

 

Dear Phoenix Branch,

This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and adjust your books accordingly.

Sincerely,

Scott Hanson

 

Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his death.

 

Dear Mr. Hanson, It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this office immediately. Failure to do so will result in the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of your coverage.

Sincerely,

Your Insurance Agent

 

Dear Insurance Agent, This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the policy, and adjust your books accordingly.

Sincerely,

Scott Hanson.

 

The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:

 

Dear Mr. Hanson, Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it is very important that you contact me immediately. I sense that you are about to enter a time of unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how best to take full advantage of the opportunities that are coming your way.

Sincerely,

Your Psychic Reader

 

Dear Psychic Reader, My father regrets he will be unable to call you 900 number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know my father is dead, and had been for more than three weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my father would be more than happy to take you up on your offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet with him personally.

Sincerely,

Scott Hanson

P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car insurance.

 

A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:

 

Dear Mr. Hanson, Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make other arrangements. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving all of your future borrowing needs.

Sincerely,

Your Bank's San Diego District Office

 

Dear San Diego District Office, I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father died in January. Since then, the number of checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no longer needs. As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your breath.

Sincerely,

Scott Hanson

 

Dear Mr. Hanson, Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned over to us for collection. Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt.

Sincerely,

Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

 

Dear Collection Agency, I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead. He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead, dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that. Please adjust your books accordingly.

Sincerely,

Scott Hanson

 

A few more months, and:

 

Dear Mr. Hanson, Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the matter will be turned over to a collection agency. Such action will adversely affect your credit history.

Sincerely,

Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office

 

Dear Los Angeles Regional Office, I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father passed away in January. Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of amazement and amusement as your bank continues to transact business with him. Now, you are even threatening his credit history. It should come as no surprise that you have received little response from my deceased father. It should also be small news that his credit history is of minor importance to him now. For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books accordingly.

Sincerely,

Scott Hanson

 

Dear Mr. Hanson, This is your final notice of payment due to your insurance agent. If our firm does not receive payment of $54.17, we will commence legal action on the matter. Please contact us at once.

Sincerely,

Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

 

Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency, You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number.

Sincerely,

Scott Hanson

 

It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father is Dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar correspondence. Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead are immune from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to put business correspondence in its proper perspective. Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death. There's no post office there

[Phi for All]

A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?"

 

The blonde looks up and down the river, then back at the brunette. She frowns and calls back, "You ARE on the other side!"

 

 

 

 

Q. Why is prostitution the perfect business?

 

A. You got it, you sell it, you still got it!

[drz]

MAD, not sure if that was a personal story or not, I've gone through a very similar situation with my grandfather. Its been over a year and a half since he passed away, and I still get letters from his banks, insurance, even credit card companys offering him a $20,000 credit line.

 

The trick about these companys, and the letters sent to them prove, is that they have poor intercompany communication. I personally made copies of my GF's death certificate, mailed the ones to out of state companys, and personally delivered to the locals. It still doesn't stop them.

 

I really liked the one from the pyschic, thats too funny.

 

 

as to my joke, well, I tell you a personal story from this weekend. I walked into a shelf, galged myself in the eye with this stupid little piece of metal. It was in my new home, and the shelf was just in a bad location in the hallway. To make matters worse, it was dark, I just woke up to use the restroom. Anyhow, when jerking away from the shelf, I head-butted the wall, then turned and hit my funny bone on the corner.

 

Needless to say, I'm in alot of pain today, but atleast I can appreciate the humour in it. I am the 4th stooge.

[SSHan]

Here's one that a friend of mine made:

 

Long long ago in the heart of Europe, there was a nation called Babblenesia, which had many civil wars due to the varying views of its citizens. One day, due to this war, the country of Bablenesia split into two countries.

 

The Southern country was famous for its vast wealth in gold, which they called "yuri" and kept in storage buildings they called "noles." Because of this, many cities of trade popped up in the southern country, and they eventually adopted the English language. The citizens called their country "Yurination", or "Nation of gold."

 

The northern country, on the other hand, became a strict spartan country, with strong armies. They kept their original language, and stayed secluded from the outer world. The northern country's citizens called their country "Yugoslavia", or "Nation of Silver," due to the numerous amounts of Silver deposits there.

 

One wintry day, Yugoslavia attacked Yurination. Yurination, having a small and weak army, was easily taken over. What used to be Yurination, was now Yugoslavia. Feeling pity for the powerless Yurinationians, Yugoslavia allowed the Yurinationian citizens keep their precious yuri noles.

 

So in Yugoslavia, even to today, you can find a bit of Yurination in every yurinole.

[Phi for All]

Needless to say, I'm in alot of pain today, but atleast I can appreciate the humour in it. I am the 4th stooge.

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, whenever I drink coffe, I get this excruciating pain in my eye!"

Doctor: "Take the spoon out of the cup!"

 

 

 

A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over."

 

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you 'hurt all over'?"

 

The blonde touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! See, I hurt right there." Then she touches her other leg. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her chin. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY FACE HURTS!"

 

The doctor says, "Sweetie, your finger's broken!"

 

 

 

 

A guy staggers home at 3am, drunk as a skunk, lets himself in and tries to walk upstairs. He reaches the top, loses his balance, and falls backwards down the stairs. Unfortunately, he had a pint bottle of whisky in his back pocket that broke during the fall. Wincing the whole way back upstairs, he makes it to the bathroom, drops his pants and checks out his lacerated butt in the mirror. Finally, he manages to pull all the little slivers of glass out. He cleans up as best he can and drags himself to bed, miraculously without waking his wife.

 

The next morning he wakes up in total agony. His head is pounding and his ass feels like it's on fire. Before he can get out of bed, his wife walks in with some coffee. "Boy, you must have really tied one on last night," she says.

 

"I was perfectly sober," he tells her. "Charley and I had a beer or two and he drove me home. I made it to bed without even waking you."

 

"You must have been blasted! If you were perfectly sober, how'd you hurt yourself?" she asks.

 

"What makes you think I was drunk and hurt myself?" he asks cautiously.

 

"Well," she says, "I figured it out when I saw all the bandaids on the bathroom mirror!"

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

let's

You're a father and you STILL can't use apostrophes properly?

[YT2095]

a man really concerned about his Girlfriend writes to an Agony Aunt columnist.

 

" Dear Agony Aunt, I`ve been seeing this girl now for a few months and really would like to go a little further with our relationship and have sex, but a few weeks ago she said something that I didn`t quite hear properly, and I was a bit to shy to ask here to repeat it, I`m not sure if she said "I have TB or VD?" any advice would be appreciated"

 

a week later came a reply...

 

 

"If she Coughs, Jump on her"

 

 

-------------------------------------------------

 

TB or Not TB,

That is the Consumption.