The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Phi for All]

A man went to the brain store to get some brains to complete a study. He's trying to decide between scientist brains, computer-programmer brains or lawyer brains.

"How much does it cost for scientist brains?" he asks.

 

"Three dollars an ounce," replies the clerk

 

"How much for programmer brains?"

 

"Four dollars an ounce."

 

"How much for lawyer brains?"

 

"$1000 an ounce."

 

"Why are lawyer brains so expensive?"

 

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get an ounce of brains?"

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

Boy, nobody likes lawyers these days!

 

Good thing, too.

[Dave]

I like lawyer jokes

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

My mother LOVED that one!

[MolecularMan14]

rotlmao!!!

[Phi for All]

A man discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand at the beach. He rubs the sand off and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The man gets a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, "I wish you to bring peace to this region".

 

After long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, "Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, Palestine and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm going to have to ask you to wish for something else. This wish is just too much for me".

 

The man thinks a bit and asks, "I wish that all lawyers were honest."

 

After another deliberation the genie asks, "Could I see that map again?"

[Phi for All]

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor. Halfway home, she tried to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.

 

The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it. She got back into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a Garth Brooks song. "This is very cool," she thought, and drove off happily. After a while she said "rock 'n' roll" and the radio changed stations to a song by the Rolling Stones.

 

A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Idiot!"

 

...and the radio cut over to Bush's press conference.

[aommaster]

A man and his wife enter a dentist clinic. The wife tells the dentist "I don't want any anaesthesis or anything like that. I am in a hurry, just pull the tooth out!"The dentist says "My, you are very brave! Show me the tooth." The wife tells her husband "Come dear. Show the dentist your tooth!"

[bloodhound]

i had most of my teeth our without anaesthesis.

[Phi for All]

i had most of my teeth our without anaesthesis.

Bar fight? Before you'd had a pint?

[Rakdos]

I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be...OOooooo! Donuts!!!

[Rakdos]

I have the mars observer and I'm not returning it until I get an 'A' in astronomy

I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words

I'm not dead. I'm electroencephelographically challenged

Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.

[bloodhound]

pple in some countried dont have the privilage of having anaesthesis for such trivial matters as pulling out a tooth

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

What about Novocaine?

[Phi for All]

Or Kwai Chang Caine?

[Phi for All]

I believe in reincarnation. No one could be as stupid as you in one lifetime!

[Phi for All]

You're very down-to-earth.   But I wish you were deeper.

[Phi for All]

You are the blueprint for building an idiot!

[aommaster]

What about Novocaine?

 

I'd forgotten to put that in. I forgot what it was called!

 

 

A girl's dog has died and the parents are trying to calm her down. The parent have tried everything but she yet cries. So, the say "Don't worry! Your dog is probably in heaven with God" The girl replies "What will God want with a dead dog?"

[Phi for All]

I'm busy now! Can I ignore you some other time?

[aommaster]

This one really cracked me up!:

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

 

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

 

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

 

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Someone has stolen our tent!"

[Sayonara]

mwaaa

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

I love digitally edited pictures.

[aommaster]

Here is another one:

 

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" the mother replied "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

 

The next child walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" She replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

 

The last child walked up to her and said "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Be quiet, Fridge!"

[Phi for All]

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"

Lawyer: "I discovered that my client still has $5000 left."

 

 

The National Institute of Health announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use lawyers. They have given four reasons for this decision:

1. There are now more lawyers than there are rats.

2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the lawyers as they did to the rats.

3. Humanitarian groups won't protest the terrible things they do to them.

3. There are some things that rats just won't do.