The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Encrypted]

Interesting.....

 

I didnt expect a science forum to have an official joke section.

 

LOL

 

Encryption.

[Phi for All]

Interesting.....

 

I didnt expect a science forum to have an official joke section.

 

LOL

 

Encryption.

All work and no play is...

 

 

... not very funny. So enjoy AND contribute!

[aommaster]

A boy comes home from school and the mother asks "What did you learn today at school?" The boy replies "Not enough, I have to go bakc tomorrow for more!"

[Phi for All]

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

 

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about Pre-Menstrual Syndrome."

 

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.

 

During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.

 

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

 

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[Phi for All]

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life, when the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Unable to save anyone else and using every last ounce of strength, he swims a few miles through shark-infested waters to a remote island.

 

Reaching the beach, exhausted, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!"

 

He suddenly realizes the woman is Keira Knightley!

 

Over the course of a few days, Keira falls madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

 

One day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, love?" she asks, "We're safe for the time being and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

 

He says, "Actually, Keira, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?"

 

"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.

 

"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

 

"Sure, love, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

 

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

 

"Whatever you want," she says, and does.

 

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

 

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

[5614]

One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to

get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and

took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone

bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the

flowing current.

 

Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her

field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her

frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage

probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.

Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube

at maximum output and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her

shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her

shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron

was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and

hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could

no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With

his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so

they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

[5614]

The Humane Society has placed up for adoption a lovable cat that was

recently removed from the laboratory of a noted physicist. The animal

was abused repeatedly, having been exposed to poisonous gas and also

being placed in close proximity to radio activity. Cruel experiments

like this can not be tolerated. The owner has been charged with

numerous counts of animal cruelty. Dr. Schrodinger's cat is

recovering nicely, however.

[Rakdos]

oh yea pick on me

[-Demosthenes-]

unfortunately, the poison gases and radio activity did something to his brain...

[Phi for All]

A man returns to the U.S. from the jungles of Borneo feeling very ill. He's immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

 

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. The man answers it and hears, "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is highly contagious!"

 

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

 

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread."

 

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

 

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can slide under the door."

[Phi for All]

A teacher in a small Texas town asks her class how many of them are George Bush fans. Not really knowing what a George Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

 

The teacher asks Billy why he has decided to be different.

 

Billy says, "I'm not a George Bush fan."

 

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a George Bush fan?"

 

Billy says, "I'm a John Kerry fan."

 

The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan.

 

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan and my dad's a John Kerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!"

 

The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Texas, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

 

Billy says, "THAT would make me a George Bush fan."

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

oooooooooooooh bad one.

 

I don't like political jokes of that nature. They spark debates.

[Phi for All]

oooooooooooooh bad one.

 

I don't like political jokes of that nature. They spark debates.

There is a Debate section AND a Politics section to this forum. THIS is the Jokes section. Feel free to post ANY political JOKE.

 

 

But it had better be funny.

[Phi for All]

U.S. Presidents Carter, Bush Sr, Bush Jr and Clinton are caught in a tornado and whisked off to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

 

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

 

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly, " I've come for some courage."

 

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

 

Up stepped George Bush Sr who says, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

 

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?""

 

George Bush Jr steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

 

"YOU... REALLY... DO. DONE!" says the Wizard.

 

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

 

Clinton asks, "Is Dorothy here?"

[Phi for All]

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know? Women know NOTHING about cars," said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm pretty sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

She says, "In the swimming pool."

[Phi for All]

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

 

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

 

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

 

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

 

He tells her, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!"

 

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's half an hour fast."

[Phi for All]

Hooray! The Official SFN Jokes Section now has more people viewing it than the Guns thread in Politics. Over 5000 of you think it's better to laugh than to kill. Good choice! You know what's funny? Not guns! I'm so glad you take the time to enjoy a chuckle while you reload. Just remember this: You don't need to kill a person with a gun. If you tell them a great joke they'll be doubled over, helpless with laughter, and you can just run away or club them to death with your shoe or something. We've beat the Guns thread in Views, but we're still behind in Posts. If you hear a great joke, write it down, or if you can't write, force someone else at gunpoint to write it down so you can post it here. We're counting on you to keep this thread alive and laughing. Jokes don't kill people. Except for that guy who choked on a soda at a George Carlin concert. And the woman who lost her spleen in a pun-induced explosion. Jokes don't kill very many people.

[5614]

hey, 18 pages is still preet good!

and anyway;

guns dont kill people, the bullets tearing holes in their bodies do!!!

 

 

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned

 

 

Why don't women fart as much as men? They can't shut their mouth long enough to build up the pressure

 

 

This man is driving home from work on the M1, and his wife rings him and says Hello dear, am just ringing to tell you to drive home carefully, I have just heard on the radio that some idiot, has been spotted driving on the wrong side of the M1 What do you meen 1 idiot their are bloody hundreds of them !!

[DreamLord]

There are so many good jokes on this thread

 

Um... has anyone heard this one?

 

A priest and a golfer decide to golfing together one day. The golfer starts. He swings and misses the ball. He says: "Damn, I missed."

The priest tells the man not to swear, because God is watching, and doesn't like it when people swear. The golfer misses the ball again. And as before he says: "Damn, I missed." The priest, once again tells the man not to swear, because God is watching.

At this point the sky begins darkening and suddenly a great lightning bolt comes down and strikes the priest. And God says: "Damn, I missed."

[ydoaPs]

Q: Why is it so hard to solve redneck murders?

 

A: The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.

[Phi for All]

Emily Sue passed away and Joe Bob, her redneck husband called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

 

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

 

Joe Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

 

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

 

There was a long pause and finally Joe Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

[Phi for All]

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called 'Rodeo'.

 

His friend said, "No, what is it?"

 

"Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands and say, 'Boy, these are almost as nice as your sister's'. Then you try to hang on for eight seconds."

[Rakdos]

young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.

 

He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. ''Excuse me sir,'' says the young man ''do you know what time it is?''

 

The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them. ''Mmmmm, it is about 3:00'' the zoo keeper responds. The young man looks at him in awe, ''How did you know that?'' The zoo keeper looks back at the man, ''I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.''

 

[Rakdos]

Bumper Stickers II All men are idiots, and I married their King.

 

So many stupid people... so few comets.

 

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

 

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

 

I Brake for no apparent reason.

 

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

 

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

 

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

 

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

 

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

 

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

 

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

 

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

 

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

 

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

 

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

 

Wom en who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

 

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

 

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

 

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

 

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

 

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

 

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

 

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

 

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

 

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

 

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

 

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

 

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

 

Very funny, Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

 

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere m ay be happy.

 

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

 

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

 

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

 

Keep honking...I'm reloading....

[Rakdos]

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.

 

 

 

''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

 

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

 

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'' ''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''