The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Rakdos]

Q: If mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day, what do single guys have?

 

A: Palm Sunday

[Rakdos]

Don't Kick the Animals, Man A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals." The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon." Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

 

[Guest pawnhead]

Two cows in a field, one goes moo. The other one says damn, I was going to say that!

What did the canibal say after eating the clown? That tasted funny.

What's long brown and sticky? A stick.

What do you call a bear without an ear? "B" (It's funny when pronounced buh, not bee)

An Indian walks in to the doctors for a check up. The doctor says "Your fine, but there's one strange thing". "What's that?" he asks. The doctor says "You've got no nipples". The Indian says "Thats the same as the rest of my tribe"," How many in your tribe?", "There's 500 of us", "What's the name of this tribe?", "The Indian Nippleless 500".

And one of my favourites (people say I have a strange sense of humour, ROFLMFAO @ this one)

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? (If anyone else finds this answer funny, I'd like to know. I usually just get bewildered looks)

Where's my tractor?

[Thales]

Not sure if its been posted but;

 

Two cows are standing in a field, one turns to the other and says, 'Are you worried about Mad cow disease?'

Cow 2: 'Nope'

Cow 1: 'Why not?'

Cow 2: 'Because I'm a Chicken!'

[Phi for All]

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? (If anyone else finds this answer funny' date=' I'd like to know. I usually just get bewildered looks)

Where's my tractor? [/quote']

Bewildered looks?! You're lucky anyone still looks at you at all!!! WHERE'S YOUR TRACTOR?! It's up your #$$ you stupid, farming clodhopper, right next to your head!!! What kind of dumb-$%@& farmer loses a whole tractor?!?! You need to plant YOURSELF next year, you dim-bulb, buck-toothed, hillbilly corn-pusher*!

 

 

 

*All opinions expressed by Cartman are his own and do not reflect the views or opinions of SFN, The Official Jokes Section or Phi for All and are not be taken seriously. The joke poster pawnhead is advised NOT to take Cartman's comments personally, as they were obviously intended for the farmer.

[Phi for All]

Everybody give a funny wave to admiral ju_00, ladies man, Camaro man, Piltdown Man! Just kidding, he follows Charles Darwin, NOT Charles Dawson! When he's not blowing the doors off all the wasabi-burners in Loo-a-vull, he can be found brushing crumbs off the remains of some prehistoric pachycephalosaurus part in his Ole Kentucky Home. It's tough to think of something funnier than being a paleontologist. Throw me a bone, will ya? This Louisville Slugger always manages to navigate his way home safely, even after slugging down a fifth of that smooth Kentucky bourbon. No one knows how a guy in his 20's got to be an admiral, but we suspect his IROC Z might have ended up in the Ohio River one night after too much "studying" at Ray's Blues Bar. Good luck with the dinosaurs, admiral, you're going to need to dig up plenty of cash to pay off those student loans!

[ydoaPs]

A hit man, Arti, was hired by a man to kill his wife for a dollar. He told Arti that his wife will be shopping at Kroger's the next day. The next day, Arti goes to Kroger's and chokes the man's wife to death. A woman saw it, so he choked her too. On his way out of the store he was arrested. The next day, the newspaper headlines said "Arti chokes two for a dollar at Kroger's."

[c dawg]

there was an older texan in a bar. he was bragging about how many women he slept with and how much land he said.

a younger texan asked him "how much land do you really own?"

the older man says" well i can get in my truck at dawn. drive all day, skip lunch and still not be to the end of my land by nightfall."

the younger man says" i used to have a ford too"

[Dave]

Well, Dave is on holiday, so I can let you in on his little secret. Dave is more than just a social animal, he's like a social T-Rex. Currently he has 217 girlfriends, and none of them knows about the others. Numbers are important to Dave, and he juggles these lovely ladies like an Enron accountant. *snip*

 

Oh, how I wish this were true

[Phi for All]

Jack had worked in a pickle factory for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. It was on his mind night and day. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Jack said he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

 

One day a few weeks later, Jack came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Jack?" she asked.

 

"Do you remember that I told you about my urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

 

"Oh, Jack, you didn't."

 

"Yes, I did."

 

"My God, Jack, what happened?"

 

"I got fired."

 

"No, Jack. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

 

"Oh! She got fired, too."

[MolecularMan14]

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!”

The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”

The first guy answers, “Chicago.”

“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?”

“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy.

“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?”

''951.”

“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”

“ John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we're related!?”

Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new. “No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.”

 

Its not mine, but when a friend of mine told it to me, i lmao

[Phi for All]

Its not mine' date=' but when a friend of mine told it to me, i lmao

[/quote']That's the great thing about jokes: they're not yours until you tell them the first time. Then they're yours!

 

 

A guy is standing at a urinal when a huge man bursts into the bathroom, runs up to the urinal next to him, pulls out an enormous penis and begins to urinate. The big guy says, "Whew! I just made it!"

 

The first guy, staring at the huge organ, asks, "Can you make me one, too?"

[Phi for All]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he beat the man almost unconscious and dragged him down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

 

The man, fully conscious now and terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you???!?"

 

The husband, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, handed the man the hacksaw and said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[YT2095]

Here`s one dedicated to Phi for All

 

A young man named Phi received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the birds mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Phi decided to change the birds attitude by consistantly saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the birds vocabulary.

Finaly, Phi was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Phi shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder!

Phi, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he`d hurt the parrot, Phi quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Phis outstretched arm and said " I beleive I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I`m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior"

Phi was stunned at the change in the birds attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the parrot bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[blike]

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the parrot bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

l o l

[5614]

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

 

 

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

 

 

And...

 

 

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

 

 

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

 

 

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

 

 

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

 

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

 

 

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

 

 

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

 

 

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

 

 

9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

[5614]

Webster"s Dictionary definition of Windows 95

 

 

Windows95: n.

 

 

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can"t stand 1 bit of competition

 

________________________________

 

Our Morning Prayer . . .

Our Hard Drive

Which art internal

Volume C by name;

Thy code be clean,

Thy fonts be seen

On screen as they are on paper.

Give us this day our documents,

And lead us not into fragmentation

But deliver us our data.

For thine is the SCSI,

And the EISA, and the NuBus,

Forever and Ever,

Amen.

 

__________________________

 

 

100 Buckets of Bits

100 buckets of bits on the bus

100 buckets of bits

 

Take one down, short it to ground

FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits on the bus

FF buckets of bits

 

Take one down, short it to ground

FE buckets of bits on the bus

...

[Dave]

At a recent computer expo...

 

Quite a few years ago now (about 10 years if my memory serves me correctly).

[Phi for All]

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

I LOVE IT, YT!

 

And although the young man's name was Phi, I assume you're referring to me as the turkey! I get the message, no more penis jokes!

 

It'll be hard on me, considering the stiff front erected by the other joke posters, but I'll try not to blow it.

[aommaster]

Please do. I can't read this thread wih my mother standing behind my back!

[Phi for All]

I do have some standards when it comes to humor, but I realize not everyone shares them, especially mothers. I think it's perfectly fine to mention anatomy as long as no one is doing anything overtly sexual with said anatomy. References to having had sex are very different from graphically describing it in situ. I prefer not to listen or post jokes that involve a lot of profanity. Very few jokes actually need it to be funny, unless it's one of those Dirty Johnny types that shock by having a small child using dirty words. Those get old real quick anyway.

 

I will try keep my standards much more PG-13 from now on.

[Rakdos]

[aommaster]

There is a physics student, a biology student and a chemistry student standing near a pond. The physics student says "I will dive underwater to measure pressure". The biology student says "I will go down there to discover a new form of plant life". They both jump into the water. 1 hour later, they haven't arrived. THe chemistry student says "Both students are soluble in water"!

[Phi for All]

I love that one, aommaster!

 

 

A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". The prosecuting attorney relentlessly badgered the man about how much force was used. Finally, when he was asked by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant stood up, approached the lawyer, punched him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him head-first over the table to crash into the audience section.

 

He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

[Phi for All]

Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announced, "All right, boys and girls, you can ask me questions now."

 

A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

 

Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.

 

After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions."

 

A little girl raised her hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?"