The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Phi for All]

What do George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common?

 

English is their second language.

[J'Dona]

You guys have probably heard this one before (maybe it's somewhere else in the forums but I just can't find it), but here it is for those who haven't:

 

----------------------------------------

It's not the fault of the student if he/she fails, because the year has ONLY 365 days.

Typical academic year for a student:

 

1. Sundays - 52 Sundays in a year, which are rest days. Balance 313 days.

 

2. Summer holidays - 50, where weather is very hot and difficult to study. Balance 263 days.

 

3. 8 hours daily sleep - means 122 days. Balance 141 days.

 

4. 1 hour for daily playing (good for health) - means 15 days. Balance 126 days.

 

5. Two hours daily for food & other delicacies (chew properly & eat) - means 30 days. Balance 96 days.

 

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal) - means 15 days. Balance 81 days.

 

7. Exam days per year - at least 35 days. Balance 46 days.

 

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival holidays - 40 days. Balance 6 days.

 

9. For sickness at least 3 days. Balance 3 days.

 

10. Movies and functions at least 2 days. Balance 1 day.

 

11. That 1 day is your birthday.

 

How can you work on your birthday?

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

What do George W. Bush' date=' Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common?

 

English is their second language.[/quote'] Not Bush, Jean Chretien!

[Rakdos]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

 

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

 

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

 

She agreed..

 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x ! 3?"

 

Harry: "9"...

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Harry: "36".

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

 

The principal and Harry both agreed.

 

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

 

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

 

The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!

 

Harry replied: "Pockets."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

 

Harry: "Pants."

 

Ms. Brooks: "What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

 

Harry: "Coconut."

 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

 

Ms. Brooks! : "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

 

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.

 

Harry: "Bubble gum".

 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

 

Harry: "Shake hands."

 

The principal was trembling.

 

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

 

Harry: "Fire truck"

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."

[YT2095]

Q: When does Saddam Hussein have his Breakfast?

 

A: When Tarik has his.

[RICHARDBATTY]

A guy is hanging out at his favourite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly old toad. He asks the bar tender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night amazed that someone so attractive may be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar again and sure enough she shows up again, this time alone!

The guy has a bit of dutch courage and approaches her.

"Is it true that you're a prostitute?"

"Why sure, big boy what can I do for you?"

 

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I charge £100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there...."

 

""100 for a hand job! Are you nuts!" he chokes on his beer.She walks him over to the door,"See that Ferrari out there?"

The guy looks into the car park and sure enough there's a brand spanking new Ferrari.She says "I paid cash for that Ferrari with money I made on hand jobs - trust me it's worth it"

The guy decides to take a chance, he leaves with her and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his life!

 

The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!"

"Of course it was" she says "Wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs...

"How much is that?"

"£500"

"£500! C'mon, thats ridiculous!"

"You see that apartment building across the street?"

The guy looks out across the street and see's a twelve story apartment building

"I paid cash for that building with the money I made from blow jobs. Trust me - it's worth it"

Again the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again he's not disappointed - he nearly faints - twice!

 

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up."I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?"

She takes him outside. She points down the street, there between the building he can see Manhattan.

"You see that island?"

"Aw, c'mon! You can't mean THAT!"

She nods her head. "You bet! If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan

[RICHARDBATTY]

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with

a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.

 

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."

 

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."

 

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion and so returns

to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem.

 

He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the

co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

[RICHARDBATTY]

Mickeys solicitor informs Mickey he cant divorce minnie for having buck teeth.

Mickey replies" I didnt say that I said she was f*****g Goofy"

[RICHARDBATTY]

I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink. Or else......

 

I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank.

 

I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

 

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle, and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank.

 

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink, and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

 

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass, which I drank.

 

I pulled the sink out of the next glass, bottled the drink and drank the poured the cork down the bottle.

 

Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

 

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were 29, as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

 

I’m not under the afluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink.

 

I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

 

Oh me !!

[Phi for All]

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

A deathly silence comes over the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

 

The blind man pauses to think, and then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

[Phi for All]

A woman went with her husband to the doctor's office.

 

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions, your husband will die."

 

"Be pleasant at all times. Make him three nutritious, home-cooked meals a day. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "So, what did the doctor say?"

 

She glanced over at him sourly and replied, "He said you're gonna die."

[Rakdos]

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.

The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

[Phi for All]

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a while, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

 

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

 

Another bird appeared in the sky. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

 

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity.

 

"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

 

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.

 

"Go see if that was a duck, will ya?"

[Phi for All]

anyway, i posted this thing about new 'ion engines' in the news forum, it goes this may be moderated if your admin wishes to... etc, but that was almost a week ago now and it has never appeared, what happened to it?

It was delicious!

[Phi for All]

A man and his blonde wife are so down on their luck that the husband finally tells her, "Sweetie, I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but you're going to have to become a prostitute and have sex with other men for money or we'll lose the house, the car, EVERYTHING!" She reluctantly agrees and goes out looking for customers.

 

At dawn the next morning the blonde comes home and the husband asks how she did. "Pretty good for my first night," she says. "I made $420 and fifty cents."

 

"Fifty cents?" says the guy. "Who gave you fifty cents?"

 

The blonde says, "Well, everybody!"

[Phi for All]

A young man truly in love with his fiance decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while his penis was erect. When it was flaccid all you could see was W Y.

 

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had W Y tattooed on his penis. The American saw it and said, "Oh is your girl named Wendy, too?"

 

The Jamaican replied, "No, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day'."

[Rakdos]

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home. On the front lawn were 6 old women lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old women lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are 6 women lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

[5614]

I don't get it.

 

i started a thread about ion engines:

 

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/3150718.stm

 

and it said that it may be moderated by your admin if he/she has chosen to moderate new posts.

however, still my thread has never appeared and i dunno where it is.

 

__________________

 

and to make phi happy:

 

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

 

 

Border Collie: Just one. Then I"ll replace any wiring that"s not up to code.

 

Rottweiler: Make me!

 

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

 

Dachshund: You know I can"t reach that stupid lamp!

 

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he"s busy.

 

Jack Russell Terrier: I"ll just pop it in while I"m bouncing off the walls.

 

Greyhound: It isn"t moving. Who cares?

 

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

 

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I"m not afraid of the dark...

 

Doberman: While it"s out, I"ll just take a nap on the couch.

 

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

 

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

 

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

 

Australian Shepherd: First, I"ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

 

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

 

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

 

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

 

Poodle: I"ll just blow in the Border Collie"s ear and he"ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

 

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we"ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you"re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

[swansont]

A miner wanders into the old west town after spending a year in wilderness pulling gold out of his mine. After cashing in his year's work, he heads to the nearest saloon and orders a bottle of whiskey. After several drinks he motions the bartender over to him.

"Hey bartender, you got any women here?" he says.

"Nope" says the bartender. "All we got is Ol' Charley out back"

"I don't go for that," says the miner and storms out of the bar in a huff.

 

A year passes by and the miner comes back into town, cashes in his gold, and heads back to the same saloon and orders a bottle of whiskey. As he drinks it he says to the bartender

"Hey, did you ever get any women in here"

"Nope" says the bartender, "but we've still got Ol' Charley out back"

"I don't go for that," says the miner and storms out of the bar.

 

Another year passes.

"Hey, you got any women in here yet?"

"Nope" says the bartender, "but we've still got Ol' Charley out back"

"I don’t go for that," says the miner and starts to leave but stops in his tracks and turns back to the bartender. Pondering his three year lack of intimacy, the miner says "Now, if I went out back with Ol' Charley, who's going to know about it?"

The bartender scratches his head and thinks for a moment. "Well there'd be you, me, Ol' Charley of course, and them two other fellers."

"What two other fellers?" asks the miner.

The bartender replies "The two fellers holding down Ol' Charley. He don't go for that neither"

[5614]

not for youngsters!

 

Nude Beach

 

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.

 

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have

boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

 

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

 

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns

to

tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad

does.

 

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

 

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to

play.

 

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his

mother:

 

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he

talks, the dumber he gets."

[5614]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The taliban guy asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The old man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150.00. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."

The taliban guy shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!"

The old man replied, "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need."

The taliban guy begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the taliban guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table.

The old man said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The taliban guy rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in

without a tie!"

[Phi for All]

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved, so they could send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

 

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

[Phi for All]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

 

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[YT2095]

here`s one for any aged UKers.

 

 

Bill and Ben in the bathtub, Bill farted, Ben said "What did you say?"

[5614]

i think that the bath tub answers yt's question...... "bubble bubble bubble!"

_____________________

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The

little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher

asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask

him".

_____________________

 

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think

how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."