The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[bloodhound]

Man walks into a bar. Mans says watch it barstard. bar says f off.

[123rock]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were stuck on an island.

One day the brunette said,"I can't take this anymore. We have endured all sorts of pain, natural disasters, wild animals, hunger, thirst, even though we're in the middle of the ****ing ocean. I'm sick of this ****ing island!" And she grabbed a sharp flint and was about to stab herself in the heart when the redhead called from the palm,"Hey, I think I can see a shore, but it's kinda far away. Maybe we can reach it by swimming, but it looks pretty far away." The brunette immediately scrambled up the palm and saw a small coast about 10-15 miles away. I can do this, she thought.

So the brunette set to swim the 15 miles or so. She had swum about 5 miles when she said,"Oh, I can't do this." and she drowned. The redhead said to the blonde,"Look, I can't take this place either. I'd rather see what's on the other side than live here forever!"So the redhead took off swimming. She swam about 10 miles and said,"I can't do it," and drowned.

Then finally the blonde decided that she wasn't going to live alone, and started swimming even if it meant death, about 14 and a half miles from where she had started, she saw the other coast about another mile or so, seeing people wave at her, tourists, boats, civilization, and said,"Oh, I can't do this! I just can't" and swam all the way back!

[123rock]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde once lost themselves and got stuck in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Fortunately the blonde found a cave and in there they found a magic lamp. They rubbed the lamped when thinking that the dusty inscription on it said money inside, while when they had rubbed it, found out it said geaney inside and a magic geanie appeared in front of them. He said,"You three here before me have freed me from my eternal prison in here which only the rub of the gentlest of hands could have broken!" The blonde giggled."Now,"continued the geaney,"for my gratefulness, I shall award each of you a wish!" So he asked the brunette,"What do you want my dear?"The brunette said,"I want to go home!". "Granted!" said the geaney and the brunette vanished before their eyes.Then he asked the redhead, "What do you want dear?". The redhead did not even hesitate,"I want to go home!" and poof, before you know it she vanished. Then the geaney said,"What do you want dear?" to the blonde. The blonde, seeing how everyone had vanished quickly said,"I miss my friends, I wish they came back!"

[123rock]

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead decided to clear their attick of the stuff they had put there over the years. When rummaging, the blonde discovered a mirror which said, "Tell me a lie and I'll make you disappear, tell me the truth and I'll make you rich to the gear" So the brunette tried first. She stood in front of the long, tall mirror, took a good look over herself and said,"I think I'm the tallest girl in the world!" Poof, immediately before their eyes she disappeared out of existence. Then the redhead, from a shock of panic remembered the prize, and went in front of the mirror. She said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world, and i'm lying!"Since the statement contradicted the laws of tautology, half of the redhead disappeared and the other half fell limplessly on the floor. Then the blonde, turned around and asked "what happened?" Seeing that the mocking mirror did not respond, she said," Well I think..."

And poof she disappeared.

[123rock]

When Bill Clinton died in 20 years, he was sent to hell, but since he was so mischevous back in his day, the Devil decided to let him choose his eternal punishment. So they walked together, and the Devil showed ol' Bill Benedict Arnold's punishment. Benedict was pushing a huge boulder all the way up a hill and just when he was about to push it over the top, he kept slipping and the boulder kept rolling. Bill Clinton said no. Then the Devil showed him Adolf Hitler's punishment. Hitler kept swimming a pool with such vigor, but the mouth of a monster sucking the water from behind kept him away from the shore. Clinton said no. Then the Devil brought him to a room with some noises in it. They entered it and saw Osama bin Laden screwing Monica Lewinsky. Clinton quickly said yes. The Devil said,"Monica your time's up."

[123rock]

What's the lightest thing in the world? Your penis, because you can lift it with your thought.

[Phi for All]

A man is caught sneaking into the harem of a powerful sultan. His manhood will be chopped off unless he can pass the three tests the sultan has devised.

 

He is shown three tents. "In the first tent," the Sultan explains, "are twenty skins of wine. You must drink these and then proceed to the second tent, where there is a man-eating tiger. You must defeat the tiger and proceed to the third tent, where their waits for you the most insatiable woman in my harem. If, after all this, you can satisfy her sexually, you may leave a free man. Fail any of the tests and your manhood will be forfeit."

 

At a signal from the great sultan, the man is released and rushes into the first tent. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the first tent and weaves his way to the second. A tremendous roaring and thrashing is heard. An hour after that the roaring and thrashing stops.

 

The man walks slowly out of the second tent, his clothes in tatters and his flesh shredded and bleeding. He looks around a bit confused, and finally says, "Now... which way ish thish woman you wam me to fight?"

[Phi for All]

Which reminds me of this one:

 

Three Viking ships, under cover of fog, pull into a sleepy English harbor in the middle of the night. The leader of the Viking raid climbs the mast of the lead ship to address his warriors. He yells out, "MEN?"

 

They all reply, "YES, NOBLE BRODAR!"

 

Brodar yells, "TONIGHT, WE RAID THE ENGLISH VILLAGE!"

 

They all yell, "YEA!"

 

Brodar yells, "WE'RE GONNA KILL ALL THE MEN..."

 

They all yell, "YEA!"

 

Brodar yells, "... AND WE'RE GONNA RAPE ALL THE WOMEN!"

 

They all scream, "YEA!"

 

Brodar yells, "AND MEN?"

 

They all yell, "YES, NOBLE BRODAR?"

 

Brodar screams, "TRY TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME!"

[Phi for All]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed was to get to the airport so he could get himself home. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

 

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

 

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

 

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

 

"And how much for you to give me oral sex once we get there?"

 

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!" said the driver.

 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

 

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

 

The businessman said, "OK", and off they went.

[123rock]

Some more quotes:

 

"I'll moider da bum."

- Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

 

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is."

- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

 

"The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense."

- Edsgar Dijkstra

 

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad."

- Salvador Dali

 

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."

- Plato

 

"I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it."

- John F. Kennedy when asked what is his favorite song

 

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."

- unknown

 

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."

- Voltaire

 

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."

- Golda Meir

[123rock]

These were probably mentioned from before, or you guys probably know these two:

 

There was a Jew, an American, and a Mexican that would be awarded a million dollars a piece if they guessed their country when they are blindfolded, but the government people were supposed to ask them what it was and if they guessed it right, then they got home with nothing but the shirts on their backs.

So they were walking around the world, when suddenly the Jew said,"This is my country, I know it!" They asked him,"How do you know?Is it the clean air, the sense of freedom, the freshness, the atmosphere, what what what?" The Jew exasperated them until he said "I can smell the bread!" So they let him go with a million bucks in Israel. Then after a while, the American called,"This is my country, I'm sure of it!" Again they asked him how he knew, was it the sense of freedom, the sense of power, authority, progress and after a very long while and he said,"I can smell the smell of money!"Then after an even longer while, the Mexican said,"Um guys I'm pretty sure this is my country." The said,"How do you know? Is it the bread, the money or what?" He said,"Um no, my watch got jacked."

---------------------------------------------------

A Jew, a Mexican, and an American's plane's engines ran out of fuel in midair, while they still had a good way to go for the airport. The pilot said,"You guys have throw out some stuff if you want this plane to reach the airport." So the three long argued what to throw. Then finally the Mexican proposed,"How about we all throw what we have most of from our country. That way, none of us will miss anything." So they all agreed. The Jew said,"I will throw out the wine I have, which is so abundant in Israel."

He threw out a bottle of wine. Then the Mexican got a big sombrero and said,"I hope that this sombrero goes into the hands of the one who needs it most!" and he threw away the sombrero. Then they all turned around and looked at the American. He didn't have any luggage or anything. All he carried was his clothes. The American said,"I hope that sombrero falls in your hands, because you're gonna need it most." And he pushed the Mexican.

[123rock]

What's faster than the speed of light? A Mexican chasing a quarter.

[DerSpooky]

This is a Centimeter... This is an Erg...

_______ __ __

/ \ _;;_ || || ____

/ \/ 0 0 \ __||___||___/ \

||_______|| \____/ \ /\_x_x_/

||__ ||__ \________/ ;;

 

 

So what exactly is an erg?

...

...An Erg is a Dyne Centimer!

[DerSpooky]

...evil...my picture is destroyed...

 

 

 

 

 

...it was a masterpiece...

[bloodhound]

   _______                                    __    __
 /            \    _;;_                        ||     ||      ____
/                \/  0 0 \                   __||___||___/       \
||_______||  \____/                   \                /\_x_x_/
||__        ||__                            \________/     ;;


So what exactly is an erg?
...
...An Erg is a Dyne Centimer!

[5614]

how d'ya do that?

 

i have done pics in the past, and they always get squwished up, like DerSpooky, how do you do the code tag thing?

[Phi for All]

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots, too".

[Phi for All]

I got pulled over for drinking and driving once by this gorgeous lady cop. She hauls me out of the car and says, "Anything you say can and will be held against you!" So I said, "BREASTS!"

[YT2095]

another true story;

 

a woman in an office, when questioned WHY she has brought her home phone into work and pluged it in, replied "I`m expecting an important fone call and they only know my home number".

[coquina]

Do you Brits have Walmart? If you don't, you won't get this.

 

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The

world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I.

 

She said, "The right name is important."

 

So, here we go:

 

The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

 

12. Chateau Traileur Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Riesling

 

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine ....

 

1. Nasti Spumante

 

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

[MolecularMan14]

Rotflmao!!

[5614]

There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are

mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.

-----------------------

Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to

measure the weight of trees?

It's referred to as the log scale.

____________________

 

true fact: This message was written entirely with recycled electrons!

[physics of computer screens!]

____________________

 

I can travel through time and I do ... at the unremarkable rate of one

second per second.

____________________

 

What is the meaning of the abreviation SPIN ?

 

S ociety for the

P rotection of

I nnocent

N uclei

____________________

 

"I don't like electrons; they've always had a negative influence on

society." (Chris Lipe)

[coquina]

The wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with

another woman.

 

With superhuman strengthy borne of fury, she dragged him down the

stairs, out the back door and into the tool shed in the back yard.

She put his penis in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed

the handle.

 

Next, she picked up a hacksaw.

 

The husband was terrified and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not

goin to cut if off, are you?"

 

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her

husband's hand and said, "Nope, I'm going to set the shed on fire."

[Phi for All]

Well, folks, we're up over 500 posts on the OFFICIAL JOKES SECTION thread! That's a whole lot of funny! Unfortunately, due to the fact that the #$%&ing mods haven't shut down the @&!$#&, mother#$%&ing GUNS thread in Politics, due to some hayseed, bucktoothed, hillbilly goat #$%&ers who want to just repeat what everyone else and his brother have already #$%&ing said, the GUNS thread now has 566 @^*% posts. That's the number to beat, so let's dig deep into our memories and come up with some more %*##!@$ jokes! You >+$=*@!& are really doing GREAT!

[drz]

A guy was speeding down the road one night at 90 mph. A state trooper pulled him over. He asked for the guys license, and notice he was a doctor. So the state trooper asked him what kind of doctor he was. The guy replied "a Proctologist. I bend people over a table, and have a tool that can stretch an asshole a few inches, or up to six feet." The state trooper, puzzled, asks the guy "What in the world do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" The Doctor replied, "Give him a hat and a gun and call him a state trooper."