The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

TOILET OUT OF ORDER..... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[Phi for All]

An Alaskan mountain man came down out of the hills after three years of trapping and digging for gold. After selling his pelts and assaying his gold, he heads straight for the local brothel. He tells the proprietor, "I ain't had a woman in three years! I don't want any of these frilly, perfumed French hussies with their foreign ways! I want some hard, straight sex with the meanest, roughest, toughest girl you got! Have her meet me up in the room and tell her to bring some beers!"

 

He stomps up to the room and strips down to his long johns, then lays back on the bed. Finally a woman kicks open the door and stomps into the room. She sets down a couple of cold bottles and without saying a word, whips off her clothing, turns around and bends over. The mountain man sits up in bed and says, "Hey, no, none of that! They promised me you'd be tough! I want it right here on the bed, the old-fashioned way!"

 

She looks at him with her head between her knees and says, "I KNOW THAT! I just thought you might want to open them beers first!"

[drz]

A blonde, brunette and redhead were all pregnant and visiting the doctor. While waiting to see the doctor, the brunnete says "I'm going to have a girl because I was on top when I conceived." The redhead says "well , that means I'm going to have a boy, because I was on the bottom." About this time, the blonde bursts into tears "Oh no, that means I'm going to have puppies".

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

ROFLMAOOTDADTSAITPOAOT = Rolling on the floor laughing my *** off, out the door and down the street and into the pato of an oncoming truck.

[RICHARDBATTY]

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.

 

On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

 

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.

 

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on

[RICHARDBATTY]

Sex is so dangerous these days. If you sleep with someone you get s.t.d. if you sleep alone you get r.s.i.

[RICHARDBATTY]

After having their 11th child, a very thick couple decided that that was enough and they could not afford a larger house. So, the husband went to his doctor, and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a banger, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

 

So, the couple drove to another doctor to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a banger, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand

[RICHARDBATTY]

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The barman freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..."

The barman takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?"

The man hugs the barman, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.." "Yes", the man replies, "and I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured."

"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house." So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar. "You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"

"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore...", says the man.

[drz]

There was this fly. He was buzzing around over the top of a pond.

 

There was a fish watching the fly, hoping it would drop six inches so he could jump up and eat it.

 

There was a bear, watching the fish, hoping the fly would drop six inches so the fish would jump to eat it and the bear could swipe the fish out the water.

 

There was a hunter, watching the bear hoping the fly would drop, the fish would jump, causing the bear to move out into a clear shot.

 

There was a cat watching all this go down, hoping to steal the hunters sandwich when he went to retrieve the bear.

 

So, the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped in the air to catch it, the bear swiped the fish up, and the hunter fired. The loud sound from the gun startled the cat, causing him to jump into the pond.

 

The moral of the story: When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

[drz]

Two rednecks, GW and Jeb, were riding along in GW's truck one day. GW pulled off the road and stopped. GW pointing, said "Right down yawnder is where I first had sex!" Jeb replied "Really, how was it?" GW says "Oh, well it was great til I notice her mom was right behind me" Jeb says "Oh hell, what did she have to say about that? GW says "BAAAA"

 

___

 

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time.

The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator.

"What's that Paw?" The boy asked.

"I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father.

Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in.

The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch.

They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde.

The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

[coquina]

A circus train derailed in a very backwoods area and some of the animals escaped.

 

Ma looked out the window and screamed at Pa - "You gotta come here and look, there is an enormous gray beast in the garden."

 

Pa, who was settled in and wanted to sit a spell, replied, "So - what's it doing?"

 

Ma said, "It's pullin' up my cabbages with its tail."

 

Pa asked, "Well, what's it doing with them?"

 

Ma: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"

[Phi for All]

Bartender, give me another! Today I came home early from work and found my best friend having sex with my wife! MY BEST FRIEND!

______________________________________________________________________

That's terrible! What did you say?

______________________________________________________________________

I said, "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

[coquina]

You might be a redneck:

 

If taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

 

You think the last words to the star spangled banner are "gentlemen start your engines."

 

You believe dual air bags refer to your first wife and mother-in-law.

 

You've been married three times and still have the same in laws.

 

You lit a match in the bathroom and blew your house right off its wheels.

 

Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

 

You think Subdivision is part of a math problem.

 

You can get dog hair out of your belly button.

 

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 

You take a load to the dump and bring back more then you take.

 

You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

 

You think that a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

 

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth then your

wife.

 

You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.........

[Pangloss]

A few recent Jay Leno jokes:

 

Happy "TGIF" everybody -- or as Republicans call it "thank God it’s a forgery".

 

CBS has a new slogan, "truth, you can't handle the truth!"

 

Actually there was one kind of embarrassing moment for President Bush when he heard that forged documents about him were discovered. Bush said, "What?!You mean they found my diploma from Yale?"

 

The word is Ralph Nader will be on the ballot in Florida. Yeah, lot of good it did Al Gore.

[drz]

someone told the joke:

 

Two men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have been smart enough to duck.

 

Well,

To women walked into a bar. And they say women are smarter then men.

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh?Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage

of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ..

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

 

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.

5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

7. They're moody.

8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

 

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of

furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you

a kiss.

9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

[Rakdos]

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains.

 

She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

 

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.

 

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."

 

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

 

The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

 

The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

 

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo .. I've got Windoooooows!"

[Phi for All]

LOL! I LOVE that joke! And it gives me a great new sales idea!

 

 

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

 

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

 

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

 

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor."

 

"No, from all that skipping."

[Phi for All]

A man walks into the sheriff's office and tell's the sheriff, "I want to become a deputy!"

 

"Good, I want to you to go out and catch this man," says the sheriff, handing the man a wanted poster. "He was last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots."

 

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young man.

 

The sheriff grinned and said, "Rustling."

[123rock]

A boy and his grandfather went fishing. After an hour, the grandfather unwrapped a great-looking sandwich. The boy asked,"Grampa, can I have some of that sandwich?" The grandfather looked at the boy and asked,"Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"The boy said no so the grandfather said no. Then after another hour, then grandfather opened a coke. The boy looked thirstily and asked,"Grampa can I please have some coke?" Again the old man asked him the same question and the boy said no. Then after another hour, the boy unwrapped some cookies. Seeing them, the grandfather asked,"Boy, can I have some of them cookies?" The boy asked him,"Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The grandfather said,"Of course it can." and the boy said,"Well go **** yourself, these are my cookies!"

[123rock]

Once there was a man with no money, a lousy, minimum wage job, no wife, heavy mortgage debts and basically leading a miserable life. Once the man wakes up and hears a voice in his head saying,"Sell your car, sell your house, quit your job, go to Vegas." The man ignored and went to work. The next day the same voice said in the morning,"Sell your house, sell your car, quit your job, go to Vegas." In a much more menacing, louder way that the man barely ignored it and went to work. Finally, on the next day, the voice continued to say the same thing over and over, until the man finally sold his house, his car, quit his job and caught a plane to Vegas with about half a million dollars.

When he went outside the airport, the voice said,"Go to Reno." So the man went to Reno. The voice said,"Go to the nearest Roullette table!" The man went to a roulette table. The voice said,"Bet all your money on 3 red!" The man bet all of his money on 3 red. Then the guy threw the ball, and it rolled. After a while, he called,"Black 26!"

The voice said,"Oh f*ck!"

[Phi for All]

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

 

The plumber waited for him to finish his rant, then quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

[Phi for All]

Our lager, which art in barrels hollowed, be thy drink.

I will be drunk, drunk as a skunk, at home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages,

as we forgive those who spill against us.

And lead us not into incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer, the bitters and the lager.

Forever and ever, barmen.

[coquina]

You may be a redneck if.....(2004 version)

 

1. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

 

2. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

 

3. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

 

4. You have a relative living in your garage.

 

5. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

 

6. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

 

7. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

 

8. None of the tires on your van are the same size.

 

9. You hold up the hood of your car with your head while you work on it,

 

10. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

 

11. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

 

12. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

 

13. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

 

14. You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

 

15. Starting your car involves popping the hood.

 

16. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

 

17. You whistle at women in church.

 

18. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

 

19. You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.

 

20. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can

reach the kids in the back.

 

21. You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.

[123rock]

This joke is funnier told than read:

 

One man died and when he arrived at St.Paul, St.Paul said,"Hold on, everything checks out fine, but there are new regulations to pass into heaven. You have to spell the word "love"" So the man spelled it correctly, but before he could pass, St.Paul said,"Listen, I'm not allowed to do this, but can you take over me for a minute? I promise, that if you do you will be awarded the infinite gifts of heaven and beyond all your imagination. Much more than the regular people."So the man agreed, and St.Paul added,"And make sure you make the people spell a simple word like "cat", or "dog""

So after a while, the man's wife appears. The man asked her what happened, and she told him that she hit a tree and died on the way from his funeral. Then the man said," Listen I have to make you spell a word correctly. Spell 'Czechoslovakia'.