The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[5614]

What do you call a mule with 3 legs?

a wonky donkey!

 

what do you call a short mule with 3 legs?

a dinky wonky donkey!

 

what do you call a short mule with 3 legs and one eye?

a winky dinky wonky donkey!

 

what do you call a short mule with 3 legs, one eye and breaking wind?

a stinky winky dinky wonky donkey!

 

what do you call a short mule with 3 legs, one eye, breaking wind and playing the piano?

a plinky plonky stinky winky dinky wonky donkey!

 

what do you call a short mule with 3 legs, one eye, breaking wind, playing the piano and driving a tractor?

very clever!

[5614]

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. the turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his wholse shell is taped together with sticky tape. the bartender asks that man:

"whats wrong with your turtle?"

"nothing" the man responds "this turtle is super fast! take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. then go to the other end of the bar and call your dog. i'll bet you £50 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there"

so the bartender thinking its and easy £50 agrees.

the dog and turtle line up at one side of the bar.

the bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of 3 calls his dog. suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender and smashing into the wall:

"£50 please."

[swansont]

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen

 

What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg shorter than the other? Irene

 

What do you call a quadraplegic in a pool? Bob

 

What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu

 

What do you call a water skier with no legs? Skip

 

What do you call a dog with no legs? You could call him 'cigarette' and take him out for a drag now and then, but it really doesn't matter - he won't come when you call, anyway.

[Gilded]

"Watch it, Gilded! Of all the different sexes, women are my favorite!"

 

Yes, women are cool but having a woman president isn't as fun as you might think it is.

 

Now, some jokes then:

 

There were three men who were friends, Bob, Will and James. They all die in a car accident and go to heaven. God then says: "Ok guys, we have a sort of policy here: you get a vehicle depending on how faithful you have been to your partner." Bob then says: "I've been unfaithful 10 times" "So... You shall have an old Toyota", God replies. "I have done it 5 times", Will then says. "So... You shall have a 2-year old BMW", God replies. "I have always been faithful to my partner!" James then shouts. "Well done! You shall have a brand new Ferrari", God says to him.

Days then pass, and the men meet up. Bob and Will are rather glad, but James is crying. "You're in Heaven and can drive around with a Ferrari! What's the matter?", Bob and Will ask. "I know", James replies sadly "but I just met my wife; she has a skateboard".

 

----

 

An Asian and an American guy sit in a bar. They then start fighting because of some silly thing. The American then wakes up behind the bar, and can't remember what happened. "What was that", the American guy asks. "Just a little something from the East; karate, that is", the Asian guy replies. Hours pass, and then they start fighting again. Same thing happens. "Was that karate?" the American guy asks. "Just a little something from the East; this time it was taekwondo", the Asian guy smiles. Once again, hours pass, and they start fighting again. This time however, the Asian guy wakes up behind the bar and can't remember a thing. "What was THAT?", the stunned Asian asks. "Just a little something from the East", the American smiles. "A Toyota wheel cover, to be exact."

[swansont]

There were three men who were friends' date=' Bob, Will and James. They all die in a car accident and go to heaven. God then says: "Ok guys, we have a sort of policy here: you get a vehicle depending on how faithful you have been to your partner." Bob then says: "I've been unfaithful 10 times" "So... You shall have an old Toyota", God replies. "I have done it 5 times", Will then says. "So... You shall have a 2-year old BMW", God replies. "I have always been faithful to my partner!" James then shouts. "Well done! You shall have a brand new Ferrari", God says to him.

Days then pass, and the men meet up. Bob and Will are rather glad, but James is crying. "You're in Heaven and can drive around with a Ferrari! What's the matter?", Bob and Will ask. "I know", James replies sadly "but I just met my wife; she has a skateboard".

[/quote']

 

But Bob replies, "Don't feel too bad. I just saw the Pope on roller skates."

[Phi for All]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

 

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

 

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

 

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

 

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[ydoaPs]

an army general, navy admiral, and air force general were standing around talking about which branch takes more testicular fortitude.

 

the army general tells a private, "private, stop that tank with your body"

the private says, "yes sir." he dies.

the general says, "that took balls"

 

the admiral tells a seaman, "seaman, stop that ship with your body"

the seaman says, "yes sir." he dies.

the admiral said, "that took balls"

 

the air force general tells an airman, "airman, stop that jet with your body"

the airman says, "hell no, sir."

the general says, "now THAT took balls"

[Phi for All]

Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history were relaxing. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel wearing shorts and watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

 

To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

[Phi for All]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

 

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

 

The gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

[Gilded]

A man walks on a beach. Suddenly, he trips over and finds a bottle buried in the sand. He opens the bottle and *POOF* there's a genie! "Sorry mate, I'm just a novice genie, with very minor powers, so I can only fulfill one wish, if even that. Say something and I'll tell if I can do it", the genie says. "Ok... I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I'm afraid of seatrips and flying, so if you could build an eight-lane motor way across the ocean to Hawaii, I'd be very glad", the man says. "Sorry, that's way too much!" the genie replies. "Well, then I wish that you would make George W. so smart, that he would be cabable of doing reasonable and intelligent things!", the man then says. The genie then replies: "Umm... How many lanes did you say the motor way should have?"

[Pangloss]

(Talking about Mt. St. Helens.)

 

"Scientists say that if the eruption lasts more than four hours, call your doctors. "

- Jay Leno

[YT2095]

a man walks into a Pub with a dog and orders a pint.

he asks the bartender "do you know anyone that wants to by a talking dog?"

the bartender smirks and says "a talking dog, I`ve heard that one before!"

the dog clears his throat "Ehem,,, if you don`t mind my interjection here, I happen to have swum the English channel from Dover to Calais, climbed Mt. Everest AND conquered the Artic circle leading a pack of Huskies!"

the bartender is astonished and nearly stummbles backwards "erm WHY do want to sell this dog? it`s amazing!"

 

the owner said "I don`t mind the talking,,, I`m just sick of his Lies!"

[fourier jr]

The Lord's Prayer

Our Father, who art in heaven,

Hallowed be Thy name.

Thy Kingdom come,

Thy will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

And forgive us our trespasses

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.

-- Amen

 

Big Daddy's Rap

Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,

You be chillin,

So be yo hood.

You be sayin it, I be doin it

In this here hood and yo's.

Gimme some eats,

And cut me some slack,

Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me.

Don't be pushing me into no jive,

And keep dem Crips away.

'Cause you always be da Man.

-- Aaa-mén

 

(taken from Maledicta: The International Journal of Verbal Agression)

[Phi for All]

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was angry that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

 

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to bring one-third less coffee than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

 

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I sip some coffee right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

[Phi for All]

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in a brown suit. She'd specifically told the undertaker she wanted him buried in his blue suit.

 

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

 

The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" The reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a few moments later. Miraculously, the corpse was in the proper blue suit.

 

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into his blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. We'd accidentally dressed another body in your husband's blue suit, and your husband in his brown one. All we had to do was switch heads!"

[Phi for All]

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

 

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"

 

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

 

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

 

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

 

Bill tells him, between bursts of laughter, "To your house!"

[Phi for All]

Once there was a billionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The billionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

 

One day, the billionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition for every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter's hand in marriage, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

 

The billionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

 

The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want to know who pushed me in the pool!"

[Dave]

rofl

 

Where do you get all these from Phi?

[Phi for All]

rofl

 

Where do you get all these from Phi?

Some from emails friends have sent' date=' some from the web, but most are from memory. Have you ever had someone ask you to tell them a joke? I always draw a blank when this happens. But the minute someone [b']tells[/b] me a joke, I suddenly remember five more. And in telling those five, I remember ten more....

 

This last one was that way. Someone told me the joke about the wife who told her husband her car wouldn't start because there was water in the carburetor, which was true since the car was in the pool (it's already been posted). While I was being polite and listening, I remembered the joke with the pool full of alligators. It's an oldy and a goody.

 

 

A warden from the Everglades Fish & Game Dept hears a commotion in the swamp one day and guides his boat over to investigate. Suddenly, he sees a blonde woman, dressed in a high fashion miniskirt and sweater ensemble, shoot up out of the water, wrestling a twelve-foot alligator! In awe, he watches as she drags the flailing creature to shore, throw it down on the ground and pin it on it's backside.

 

The blonde looks at the creature's feet, and with a disgusted look on her face, jumps up and kicks the huge reptile back into the water, complaining, "Oh, poo! That one doesn't have any shoes, either!"

[Dave]

Isn't that the end of one that starts with the blonde trying to get the alligator shoes, then tells the guy they're too expensive and that she'll catch her own?

[swansont]

_{Sayonara's post about mating for large willie size reminded me of this}

 

Somewhere, sometime, there was a man who decides that it's time to marry, but wants his bride to be pure and unspoiled by the world. So, much like Diogenes and his search for an honest man, he went on an epic quest for a pure woman. As a test, he would drop his shorts and ask, "What's this?" Invariably, the response would be, "That's your willie!" at which point he would move on to the next candidate.

 

One day, though, the answer was, "I don't know." He knew this was the woman he should marry, and did so. On their wedding night, he asked again, "What's this?" And the response again was, "I don't know." At which point he informed his new bride, "This my dear, is a willie." Whereupon she burst out laughing. "Be serious! Willies are black and about three times bigger!"

 

 

or, alternately:

 

Q: What's white and 12 inches long?

A: Nothing

[5614]

first up we have our einstein, good and strong:

 

 

and then in the words of the great man himself:

 

the thread has been given its own symbol/avatar/picture thing

[Phi for All]

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 

The second Catholic woman says, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

 

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

 

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women turn to look at her until she finally replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God!'"

[Phi for All]

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

 

The elderly man came back the next day but the specimen cup was empty. When the doctor asked why, the old man told him, "Well , doc, I took the specimen cup home yesterday and at first I tried with my right hand and... nothing. Then I tried with my left hand and still... nothing. I had my wife try, right hand, left hand, both hands, nothing. She even tried using her mouth!"

 

The doctor, getting a little embarassed, said, "And?"

 

The old guy said, "And, we still couldn't get the lid off the specimen cup!"

[drz]

Aww, I remember a good one, hopefull enough to tell the joke without ruining it.

 

There was a man from Texas on a business trip in New York. He had to get sized for a suit, so stopped by a nearby tailor. The woman who was measuring him was shocked by the length of the mans arm, and then thickness of his neck. She says "Well, I had always heard everything is bigger in texas!". She continued to measure him, checking his waste, and, as she went to measure his inseem, curiousity got the best of her and she just had to ask "Sir, just how large is your member?" To which the texan responded "2 inches..". She was shocked and interupted him, and said "I guess not everything is bigger in texas" to which he responded "no, you cut me off, its 2 inches, from the floor."

 

I think I messed the joke up, maybe someone will remember the proper version of it, its quite funny when told right.