The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Gilded]

Arrrh, thar be Brittish humor about. Pull high the Jolly Roger and load yer muskets.

(Actually, I've always loved Brittish humor :> )

 

A man is driving a truck. Soon, the truck's motor shuts down. The driver starts to swear and tries to start the truck again. Soon, a priest comes by.

Priest: Do not swear! That's not going to help!

Truck Driver: Well, what do you suggest I should do.

Priest: You must pray!

*Truck driver turns the key and the truck starts*

Priest: Oh $hit, who would have believed?

 

Another truck driver joke:

 

A man drives a truck through a dark forest. He thinks to himself "Ahh, sure it's dark, but I've got a six pack of beer and a tasty sandwich!". Soon, a yellow man jumps from the bushes, and prevents the driver from driving further. "Hey, I'm a faggot! Gimme something to drink!" the yellow man says. The truck driver is very homophobic, so he throws his six pack from the car window and continues his journey. Soon, a red man jumps from the bushes. "Hey, I'm the faggot you saw earlier! Gimme something to eat!", the red man says. The truck driver starts to get really pissed off and throws his sandwich and continues driving. Soon, a blue man jumps from the bushes! The truck driver shouts at the man "OK, WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU F***ING FAGGOT?!?" "I'd like to see your driver's license", says the policeman.

[Phi for All]

You're a father and you STILL can't use apostrophes properly?

25 posts in the Jokes Section and only 5 contain jokes. You're 34 years old (according to your bio), and you STILL can't use the Jokes Section properly?

 

 

One morning Cap'n Refsmmat's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation.

 

Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. Mama Refsmmat told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.

 

Papa Refsmmat sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

[YT2095]

You're a father and you STILL can't use apostrophes properly?

damn good point!

 

the`yre SOoooo critical to a child`s well being!

 

Go On Ca`pn, go Spank Phi LOL )

[Gilded]

Arrh, thar be spanking around too. Ye'll be all spanked in the dawn, yarrrh.

 

"found an S&M magazine under the bed"

 

Mmmm... S&Ms. So tender and chocolatey... No wait, I meant M&Ms.

[boris_73]

an indian walks in to a shop and ask if they sell toilet paper the man at the counter ask what kind the silky smooth one which costs £5.00 per roll or the cheap extra, extra value for money roll which cost 5p for ten rolls so the indian say's i will take the extra extra value for money toilet paper, the indian leaves the shop. the next day he comes back into the shop and the man behind the counter say's are you back for more the indians says NO! i want my money back the man behinde the counter says whats wrong with it, the indian then replies and says its like John Wayne, how is that the man behind the counter asks, the indian then says its Rough,Tough, and takes NO SH*T from indian's

[boris_73]

Little Johnny was in class when the teacher asked, "Three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, a hunter shoots one. How many are left?" "None," he says "if ones shot the others would fly away." "Actually", said the teacher "the answer was two, but I like the way you think." The next day Johnny walks over to his teacher in the cafeteria and asks, "Do you see those three women over there on the bench? Which one isn't married, the one eating the cookie, the one eating a sandwich, or the one sucking on a popsicle?" "Hmm, the one sucking on a popsicle?", the teacher asks" "Actually" said Timmy " it was the one without a wedding ring, but I like the way you think".

[Mad Mardigan]

A man and 3 ducks walk into a bar, the bartender doesnt say anything to the man about the ducks because he is used to seeing unusual things. After a couple of rounds the man goes to the restroom, so the bartender goes to the first duck.

 

Bartender says, "so how are you doing and whats your name?"

#1 Duck replies," my name is Huey, and todays been a great day, been in out of puddles all day, cant complain."

 

Bartender goes to the next duck.

Bartender asks, "whats your name, and how was your day?"

#2 duck replies, "Great day, been in out of puddles all day, cant complain, my name is Duey by the way."

 

Bartender goes the last duck.

Bartender says,"let me guess you, you are Luey."

Duck #3 says, "no, my name is Puddles, and dont get me started about my day."

[Guest h2whoa]

This might not work if you don't use British currency...

 

Man walks into a pub and says to the bar man, "I'll have a pint of energy please".

 

The bar man says "Oh that'll be 80p".

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

h2

[Sorcerer]

Bob suspects his wife is having an affair with the milkman. He is talking to his mates at work about it and they suggest he buys a surveillance camera to find out the truth before he confronts her about it.

 

So Bob decides to go shopping after work, he doesn't earn much and finds he only has $15 to spend. He goes to the local security shop and enquires about their cameras.

 

Bob, "How much is this one?"

Salesman, "Thats $80."

Bob, "Hmmmmm, oh, got anything cheaper"

Salesman, "Well, theres this one, its $30"

Bob, "Na forget it, bye."

 

So Bob leaves, feeling rather sad. The next day at work he's telling his mates about how he doesn't have enough money for a camera, when one of his friends suggests he gets a parrot. Bob is rather surprised, his friend tells him that his parrots always telling him stuff about what happened during the day. So Bob thinks this is a rather good idea, and decides to get a surveillance parrot.

 

So after work Bob heads off down to the pet store. He sees some rather nice parrots in the window. He steps inside and speaks to the salesman.

 

Bob, "How much for this one."

Salesman, "Thats $60."

Bob, "Oh, got anything cheaper?"

Salesman, "yeah check over there in the bargin bin."

 

So Bob wanders over to the bargin bin, it has a label which says $10, he thinks, "perfect". He looks in and sees a collection of bedraggled animals, 3 legged cats, dogs with 2 tails, mangy looking ferrets.... right in the corner sitting rather awkwardly on a perch is a parrot with no legs. Bob is amazed, "a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch!!!", he shouts, hearing this the pet store owner come over and says, "yes thats a rather rare one, he uses his penis to balance", Bob says "I'll take it".

 

So Bob takes his parrot with no legs home and introduces it to his wife, when they are alone he has a chat with his parrot, he says, "now I want you to watch her very carefully, tell me everything she does when the milk man comes, I want to know every detail you hear." The no-legged parrot replies in its parrot voice, "OK".

 

So Bob sets the no-legged parrot up with a good veiw of the front door and heads off to work. He comes home and asks the parrot, " so what happened?", the no-legged parrot says, "He gave her 2 bottles of milk and a kiss on the lips, then left", Bob starts to get angry, but not sure anything too serious is going on he decides to wait.

 

He comes home the next day and asks the parrot, " so what happened?", the no-legged parrot says, "He gave her 2 bottles of milk, a kiss on the lips, and felt her tits, then left", Bobs face starts to boil with anger, but still not sure anything to much is going on yet he decides to wait.

 

He comes home the next day and asks the parrot, " so what happened?", the no-legged parrot says, "He gave her 2 bottles of milk, a kiss on the lips, and felt her tits, and lifted her dress", the parrot pauses, Bobs waits then getting real mad he screams, "AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED???", the parrot replies, " I don't know, I cracked a stiff and fell off my perch."

[Phi for All]

Ya know, when I was 20 and I got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 30, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 50 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand!

Are you worried about getting old?

Hell, no! I'm just wondering how much STRONGER I'm gonna get!

[Gilded]

You go Phi.

 

After all, this is a jokes section, I found a rather amusing source of Cthulhu-mythos parody comics: http://www.macguff.fr/goomi/unspeakable/home.html

Laughed my ass off while reading them. Now, off to buy a new ass -->

[Phi for All]

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady reappears topless, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing your blouse properly."

 

"But Father, I have a divine right," she tells him.

 

He looks her up and down and says, "I see that, and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse!"

[Phi for All]

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good.

 

As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, but then he realizes that the Pope is concerned for the unfortunate people, the poor and and feeble ones.

 

Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

[Pangloss]

Up in the Air

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

 

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

 

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

 

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."

 

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now, it's my fault."

[Gilded]

At an Egyptian swimming competition:

 

Commentator: Ok, Imhotep gets a good start... and... WHAT THE?! The water suddenly divides dropping all the contestants to the pool's stone bottom!

Moses: Damn! It was an accident, I swear!

[Mad Mardigan]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

 

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

 

The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

 

Little Johnny: "9"

 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

 

Little Johnny: "36"

 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

 

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

 

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

 

Little Johnny: "Legs"

 

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

 

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

 

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

 

Little Johnny: "Pants"

 

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

 

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

 

Little Johnny: "Coconut"

 

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

 

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

 

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

 

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

 

Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

 

Little Johnny: "Yup"

 

Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"

 

Little Johnny: "Nose"

 

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

 

Little Johnny: "Arrow"

 

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofexcitement?"

 

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.

[Phi for All]

$#&*! This thread now has the %&*#ing highest post count of any @*%$#^@ thread EVER here at SFN! Thanks for all the %&*#ing funny, guys and gals! Keep it coming!

 

A dutiful son has been trying to find a nursing home for his aged father, but the father always finds something wrong with every one. Finally, the son takes his father to a nursing home with the best reputation in the city. The food is great, the staff is extremely attentive, the healthcare superb and the other patients seem very sociable. The son signs his father up.

 

The next day, the old man is in one of the recreation rooms sitting on the sofa watching TV when one of the nurses sees him start to lean sideways. Immediately she rushes in and straightens him up, fearing he might fall off the couch if she's not careful. A few minutes later, the old man begins to lean to the other side, and once again the nurse rushes to his aid. This happens several more time before the old man gets up and goes to his room.

 

In his room, the old man calls his son and tells him, "Come get me out of here, I hate this place!"

 

The son asks, "Pop, what's wrong with this place?"

 

The old man says, "They're too strict! They won't even let you FART here!"

[Gilded]

Dedicated to a certain anonymous person called Phi for All:

 

Phi decides it's time to rob a certain house of electronics and other valuable items, since the house owner isn't home. So, he goes in and sees a nice computer and starts to unplug it. Soon he hears a voice that says: "Jesus is watching you!" Phi thinks he's just hearing things, and continues to unplug the device. "Jesus is near and is going to punish you!", the voice shouts. Phi is really scared, but soon sees a parrot in the corner. "Heh, a talking parrot! You almost scared me to death, little fellow... do you have a name by the way?" Phi asks relieved. "Yes, my name is Moses", the parrot replies. "Hah! What sort of a man names his parrot Moses?" Phi laughs. "The sort of a man who names his pet tiger Jesus."

 

----

 

Phi for All meets up with his friend in a bar. He asks his friend: "Why are you walking around with a cork up your ass? It looks silly!" Phi's friend looks really miserable and says: "Well, there was this genie that told me that I can wish for anything I want and that I'll get. I was of course confused and said 'No shit?'"

 

----

 

Viva la lawyer jokes! How long do you have to stare at a lawyer with only one eye?

- Until the pistol's clip is empty.

 

----

 

I read the older jokes, and found this in a speeding joke:

 

"I have diarrhea real bad, and, well, I GOTTA GO!"

 

Believe it or not, Sir Alex Ferguson actually used that some time ago when a police asked why he was speeding. And Alex didn't have to even pay the fine.

[Mad Mardigan]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

 

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

 

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

 

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

[Phi for All]

A woman who had terrible luck with men decided to place an ad for the perfect man in the personals section of the newspaper. She specified that she wanted a man who wouldn't beat her, wouldn't run out on her, and was fantastic in bed.

 

Any many fruitless replies via the post and email, one day her doorbell rang. When she answered it, she saw a man with no arms or legs lying on her doormat. "Hi," he said, "I'm here to answer your ad. I'm the perfect man for you!"

 

Looking down at him, she asks, "What makes you think you're the perfect man for me?"

 

He says, "Well, I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and I have no legs, so I can't run out on you."

 

She says, "Yeah, but are you good in bed?"

 

He winks and says, "Hey, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[Phi for All]

A bear and a rabbit are out in the woods taking a shit together. They finish and the bear leans over to the rabbit and says, "Tell me, do you ever have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur?"

 

The rabbit says "No, I never have."

 

The bear says, "Good," and he wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[Phi for All]

Once Gilded walked into a Arctic Ice Bar in Finland, got a drink and had a seat. He's a good looking guy, so during the course of the evening he tried to chat with every single woman who walked into the bar, but he had no luck. Suddenly, a really ugly guy, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly guy, walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

 

Frustrated by all this, Gilded says to the bartender, "Excuse me, but that really ugly dude just came in here and left with those two gorgeous women. What's his secret? They all passed me by and took up with the Hunchback of Helsinki there. What's up with that?"

 

"Well," Said the bartender, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...."

[Gilded]

Gilded and Phi for All are walking through a bog area. Soon they see a sign that says "Warning! Bog faggots ahead!" Phi asks Gilded: "Yo Gil, what's a bog faggot?" Gilded replies: "I have no idea... but stay close, just to be sure".

 

Soon they enter a foggy zone of the bog, and Phi realizes that Gilded has gone somewhere! Panicked, Phi starts running and suddenly starts to sink in the bog. "Oh dear, a boghole!" Phi thinks. He tries to struggle, but can't get out.

 

Phi realizes he's knee-deep in the boghole. Soon, a man walks by. "Help me good man, I'm in a boghole!" The man replies: "Well, I'm one of those bog faggots. I'll help you up... if you'll be my sexslave for a week" Phi shouts: "Oh dear, no! I'm not that kind of guy, I have a wife and kids!" The bog faggot replies: "Well suit yourself" and walks away.

 

Soon, Phi finds himself waist-deep in the boghole. Another man walks by. "Please help me, I'm in a boghole!" Phi shouts. "Well, I'm one of those bog faggots. Be my sexslave for two weeks and I'll help you", the man says. "Oh no, I'm not that kind of guy. You know what, I think I can get out of here by my own." The man says: "Suit yourself" and walks away.

 

Minutes pass, and Phi sinks even further down. Now he's neck-deep in the boghole! His vision starts to blur of all the bog fumes. He barely sees a blurred character walking by. Phi thinks that it must be another swamp faggot and tries to trick him. "Hey, you, help me out! I'll be your sexslave, just save my life!" "Oh dear, that must be one of those swamp faggots!" Gilded shouts and runs away.

 

<Note: A sudden burst of methane from the bog lifted Phi for All from the boghole. Gilded and Phi lived happily ever after. The methane ignited though, and burned Phi's left shoe's shoelace quite badly.>

[swansont]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied,

"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a

beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,

took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second

engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't

have fit."

 

---

 

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

[swansont]

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around

and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took

off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the

problem?"

 

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," she

explained. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

 

---

 

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the

clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he

accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as

he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite

startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if

your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll

forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your

elbow, I'm in room 1221."

 

---

 

"What I've learned"

 

 

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you

can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

 

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are

just assholes.

 

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only

suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

 

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen

minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge

tits.

 

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -

they are more **cked up than you think.

 

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think

you're finished.

 

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we

are celebrities.

 

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a

relationship is at first,the passion fades, and there had

better be a lot of money to take its place.

 

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you

when you're down will be the ones who do.

 

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because

their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

 

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your

children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the

local paper.

 

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are

taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just

never go away.