Gilded Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 "I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities." Lol, couldn't be without thinking of a certain Finnish ex-ski-jumper (Matti Nykänen) who beats his wife (I think he's been married 5 times) and recently stabbed a person in the back, and is now going to jail for 2 years or so. Why did he stab the man? He lost against him in the noble game of "finger hook".
5614 Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ... Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: No. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? -------------------------------------------------------------------- A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
5614 Posted November 3, 2004 Posted November 3, 2004 also, go to general discussion (or anywhere else where this thread may appear) and you see where it says the number of replies... you can click on that to find out that: (correct at time of posting): phi for all: 217 aommaster: 47 YT2095: 28 cap'n: 25 5614: 25 swansont: 24 Schrodngr's_cat: 23 etc etc (that is a post count for this thread alone) as we (you, me... anyone!) can see, we all owe phi for all for all the good jokes he's posted! thanks dude
Tetrahedrite Posted November 4, 2004 Posted November 4, 2004 Why did the white bear dissolve? Because he was polar (One for thew chemists)
c dawg Posted November 5, 2004 Posted November 5, 2004 what did one wave say to the other? nothing they just waved
Phi for All Posted November 6, 2004 Posted November 6, 2004 Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, he's just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and *splash* they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sinks straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places him at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then ten seconds before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Phi for All Posted November 6, 2004 Posted November 6, 2004 A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted, "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!" The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "Screw you!" Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"
Phi for All Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 A wife suspected her husband was cheating on her. One day, she dialed her home number and a strange woman answered. The wife said, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman on the other end. "We don't have a maid," said the wife. The maid said, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house." The wife said, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "He is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was his wife." The wife was furious. She said to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $10,000?" The maid said, "What do you want me to do?" The wife told her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot my husband and the bitch he's with." The maid put the phone down and the wife heard footsteps and then eventually she heard the gun shots. The maid came back to the phone and asked, "What should I do with the bodies?" The wife said, "Throw them in the swimming pool." There's a pause and then the maid said, "This house doesn't have a swimming pool." There's a longer pause and then the wife said, "Is this 555-4821?"
Phi for All Posted November 8, 2004 Posted November 8, 2004 A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes." Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"
ydoaPs Posted November 10, 2004 Posted November 10, 2004 here is part of an actual e-mail i recieved: ... I was glad when Bush became president. And maybe you should run for president when you're old enough. You have some interesting ideas I think the world is ready to hear. I honestly think you'd do some good with our country. (It probably helps that our country cant get much worse)...
Phi for All Posted November 13, 2004 Posted November 13, 2004 One golfer tells another: "Hey, I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other golfer, lining up his next shot, replies, "Nice trade!"
Phi for All Posted November 13, 2004 Posted November 13, 2004 After hearing a couple's complaints that their sex life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try The Wheelbarrow. With her lying on her stomach, hands on the floor, you lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parent's house."
Gilded Posted November 13, 2004 Posted November 13, 2004 Two men are walking down the street. The other asks: "Hey, if you were like camping with your friend and he like... had sex with you when you drink too much and pass out, would you tell anyone? I mean, it would be really embarrassing!" The other man thinks for a while. "No, I don't think I'd have the guts", he then replies. "I see", the other man says. The men keep walking down the street, and after a couple of seconds the other man continues: "Sooo... wanna go camping this weekend?"
Phi for All Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
Phi for All Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 A married guy comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?!"
Phi for All Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 A handsome young lad named Gilded went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how he was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know!" grinned Gilded. "But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
Guest philbo Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 ... the really bad cheezy no-one-will-get-this-but-scientists type of jokes... Like this? First hydrogen atom: I think I just lost an electron Second hydrogen atom: Are you sure? First hydrogen atom: I'm positive
Guest philbo Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 ... the really bad cheezy no-one-will-get-this-but-scientists type of jokes... Like this? First hydrogen atom: I think I just lost an electron Second hydrogen atom: Are you sure? First hydrogen atom: I'm positive
Phi for All Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 I just bought the new Heisenberg Quantum sports car and I love it! It's got lots of speed but if you check to see how fast you're going, you don't know where you are.
Phi for All Posted November 19, 2004 Posted November 19, 2004 I just bought the new Heisenberg Quantum sports car and I love it! It's got lots of speed but if you check to see how fast you're going, you don't know where you are.
Gilded Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 Time for some stand up comedy! Hey hey people, don't slit your wrists YET! And please, sharper knives are available in the souvenir store. So, we got Phi for All here tonight. Gee, he's married, nearing sweet fifty and a father! That's what being born on (Friday?) 13th gives you in life, no doubt about that. And what's with the name "Phi for All"? Although, a good nickname if you happen to be completely irrational like our little friend here. And communications as a major? No wonder the man spits out jokes the same pace as George Bush starts wars! Eavesdropping top secret government transmissions gives you a major joke arsenal. Thank you everybody, you've been great!
Gilded Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 Time for some stand up comedy! Hey hey people, don't slit your wrists YET! And please, sharper knives are available in the souvenir store. So, we got Phi for All here tonight. Gee, he's married, nearing sweet fifty and a father! That's what being born on (Friday?) 13th gives you in life, no doubt about that. And what's with the name "Phi for All"? Although, a good nickname if you happen to be completely irrational like our little friend here. And communications as a major? No wonder the man spits out jokes the same pace as George Bush starts wars! Eavesdropping top secret government transmissions gives you a major joke arsenal. Thank you everybody, you've been great!
Phi for All Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 I LOVE IT!!! And I can't believe I forgot my old pal, Gilded. I thought he'd already been roasted, but I forgot he was frozen solid to begin with, so it takes a little longer with the Finns. Being so close to the former Soviet Union, these guys took the "Cold War" a little too literally! But seriously, Gilded is a funny guy, a real gas. Unfortunately, it's radon gas, but if you stand downwind you'll be OK. He was born on the 13th also, but it was a Wednesday, so he's unlucky AND impatient. His mom tells us that Gilded was an immaculate conception. An Immaculate is 1 oz. of Kahlua®, 1 oz. of Peppermint Schnapps and 1 oz. of Finlandia Vodka. She'd had a few too many and got frisky in the sauna. Oh, the Finns love their saunas! Give Gilded some hot rocks, a little cold water and a leggy blonde and he'll drop his towel in a Helsinki minute. Especially if the blonde is into S&M with birch whisks and naked snow romping! And he's likely to offer her his favorite breakfast in the morning: corn flakes with a vodka, phosphor and strontium aluminate blend. The perfect way to start the day with that special "glow". Thanks for coming, Gilded, and thanks for being your own light source!
Phi for All Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 I LOVE IT!!! And I can't believe I forgot my old pal, Gilded. I thought he'd already been roasted, but I forgot he was frozen solid to begin with, so it takes a little longer with the Finns. Being so close to the former Soviet Union, these guys took the "Cold War" a little too literally! But seriously, Gilded is a funny guy, a real gas. Unfortunately, it's radon gas, but if you stand downwind you'll be OK. He was born on the 13th also, but it was a Wednesday, so he's unlucky AND impatient. His mom tells us that Gilded was an immaculate conception. An Immaculate is 1 oz. of Kahlua®, 1 oz. of Peppermint Schnapps and 1 oz. of Finlandia Vodka. She'd had a few too many and got frisky in the sauna. Oh, the Finns love their saunas! Give Gilded some hot rocks, a little cold water and a leggy blonde and he'll drop his towel in a Helsinki minute. Especially if the blonde is into S&M with birch whisks and naked snow romping! And he's likely to offer her his favorite breakfast in the morning: corn flakes with a vodka, phosphor and strontium aluminate blend. The perfect way to start the day with that special "glow". Thanks for coming, Gilded, and thanks for being your own light source!
Gilded Posted November 20, 2004 Posted November 20, 2004 Haha, good ones Phi. ---Episode LXVI: Gilded strikes back once more--- For no apparent reason, Phi for All and Gilded are walking down the street. Suddenly, Phi says: "Hey Gilded, want to make some money?" "Sure", Gilded replies. "OK, guess how many dollars are in my wallet", Phi says. "What am I going to get if I guess right?" Gilded asks. "Either one of the dollars", Phi answers. --- Phi for All's kid comes home from school: Kid: Daddy, daddy! We had a very nice chemistry lesson today! Phi for All: Great! What did you learn? Kid: Well, our chemistry teacher Mr. YT2095 taught us lots, such as compound nitrating. Phi for All: Sounds interesting. What do you think you're going to learn tomorrow at school? Kid: What school? --- New York Times: A strange man was arrested today in Manhattan. He was throwing number figures made of solid gold at people. The man is now facing a 1000$ fine for the injuries caused by the gold figures, and a 200$ extra fine for shouting "PHI FOR ALL!" at little children who got very traumatized.
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