The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Gilded]

Haha, good ones Phi.

 

---Episode LXVI: Gilded strikes back once more---

 

For no apparent reason, Phi for All and Gilded are walking down the street. Suddenly, Phi says: "Hey Gilded, want to make some money?" "Sure", Gilded replies. "OK, guess how many dollars are in my wallet", Phi says. "What am I going to get if I guess right?" Gilded asks. "Either one of the dollars", Phi answers.

 

---

 

Phi for All's kid comes home from school:

Kid: Daddy, daddy! We had a very nice chemistry lesson today!

Phi for All: Great! What did you learn?

Kid: Well, our chemistry teacher Mr. YT2095 taught us lots, such as compound nitrating.

Phi for All: Sounds interesting. What do you think you're going to learn tomorrow at school?

Kid: What school?

 

---

 

New York Times: A strange man was arrested today in Manhattan. He was throwing number figures made of solid gold at people. The man is now facing a 1000$ fine for the injuries caused by the gold figures, and a 200$ extra fine for shouting "PHI FOR ALL!" at little children who got very traumatized.

[Nevermore]

On his way to a speech, George W Bush suffers a heart attack. Opon his arrival at hell, the devil tells him he can choose his own punishment. W opens a door, and sees Hitler having his face struck with a cactus over and over. Deciding this is too painfull for him, George opens another door, and sees Al Capone jumping in and out of freezing water over and over. Well, George isn't too used to cold, so he opens another door. In this room are Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski, eternaly engedged in sex. "This doesn't look to bad." Bush says. "Okay," Satan replies. "Monica, you're free to go."

[Nevermore]

On his way to a speech, George W Bush suffers a heart attack. Opon his arrival at hell, the devil tells him he can choose his own punishment. W opens a door, and sees Hitler having his face struck with a cactus over and over. Deciding this is too painfull for him, George opens another door, and sees Al Capone jumping in and out of freezing water over and over. Well, George isn't too used to cold, so he opens another door. In this room are Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski, eternaly engedged in sex. "This doesn't look to bad." Bush says. "Okay," Satan replies. "Monica, you're free to go."

[Gilded]

Heh, that hell-Monice-thing has been posted here like three times. I recommend reading through ALL the posts in this thread. You get a fuzzy warm feeling, get to enjoy a lot of jokes, and afterwards a "WTF? That took 6 hours of my precious time!"-feeling.

 

---

 

Phi for All was on an Israel tourist trip (who American wouldn't like to visit Israel?). He then arrived at a lake shore. There was a boat tour available, that took people across the lake. The guy selling the tickets said: "Hey you! Only 20$ a trip!" "You've got to be kidding me", Phi said. "Well, this is Genesaret; the lake where Jesus walked on water!" "Well", Phi said. "No wonder that He did when the boat trip prices are so damn high!"

[Gilded]

Heh, that hell-Monice-thing has been posted here like three times. I recommend reading through ALL the posts in this thread. You get a fuzzy warm feeling, get to enjoy a lot of jokes, and afterwards a "WTF? That took 6 hours of my precious time!"-feeling.

 

---

 

Phi for All was on an Israel tourist trip (who American wouldn't like to visit Israel?). He then arrived at a lake shore. There was a boat tour available, that took people across the lake. The guy selling the tickets said: "Hey you! Only 20$ a trip!" "You've got to be kidding me", Phi said. "Well, this is Genesaret; the lake where Jesus walked on water!" "Well", Phi said. "No wonder that He did when the boat trip prices are so damn high!"

[bloodhound]

[bloodhound]

[Phi for All]

Great cartoon, bloodhound!

 

bloodhound stops by to visit his boss who has hurt his back and has to stay at home. They talk for a while and then his boss says, "My meds are kicking in and I'm starting to fall asleep, but my feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please? They're in my room and the doctor says I'm not supposed to walk up the stairs." bloodhound obliges him and goes upstairs. There he sees his boss's twin, seventeen-year-old, gorgeous daughters. Being adventurous and quick thinking, bloodhound says, "Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me up here to have sex with the two of you!"

 

They stare at him and say, "That can't be! Are you sure?"

 

He replies, "Well, let's ask him!" He calls out to his boss downstairs, "Both of them?"

 

His boss yawns and shouts up, "Yes, both of them, please!"

[Phi for All]

Great cartoon, bloodhound!

 

bloodhound stops by to visit his boss who has hurt his back and has to stay at home. They talk for a while and then his boss says, "My meds are kicking in and I'm starting to fall asleep, but my feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please? They're in my room and the doctor says I'm not supposed to walk up the stairs." bloodhound obliges him and goes upstairs. There he sees his boss's twin, seventeen-year-old, gorgeous daughters. Being adventurous and quick thinking, bloodhound says, "Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me up here to have sex with the two of you!"

 

They stare at him and say, "That can't be! Are you sure?"

 

He replies, "Well, let's ask him!" He calls out to his boss downstairs, "Both of them?"

 

His boss yawns and shouts up, "Yes, both of them, please!"

[Tesseract]

Top ten best sports pics (first 5):

[Tesseract]

Top ten best sports pics (first 5):

[Tesseract]

continuation:

[Tesseract]

continuation:

[slickinfinit]

Here is a dumb one lol. Q. Why is the dung beetle the most fearsome creature on the planet? A. because it aint scared of shit! (yes I know aint is not a word but its only sounds good with it lol)

[slickinfinit]

Here is a dumb one lol. Q. Why is the dung beetle the most fearsome creature on the planet? A. because it aint scared of shit! (yes I know aint is not a word but its only sounds good with it lol)

[Phi for All]

Tesseract was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed at an Antarctic military base for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his girlfriend, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. I'm constantly surrounded by young, attractive Navy women. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

 

So his girlfriend sent him back a harmonica, with a letter saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

 

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his girlfriend. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

 

She kissed him and said, "First, let's see how well you can play that harmonica."

[Phi for All]

When Blike was eight years old, he got caught by the next door neighbor lady playing "doctor" with her young daughter. The angry mother grabbed Blike by the ear and dragged him over to his house and confronted Blike's mother.

 

Blike's mom said, "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing 'doctor' at their age."

 

"Sexuality, my ass!" The neighbor yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

[Phi for All]

YT2095 left work one Friday afternoon. He ran into some old mates after cashing his paycheck and instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife who screamed at him for two solid hours about how inconsiderate he'd been. Finally Kitty stopped nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

 

YT2095 replied. "That would be fine with me."

 

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye. *

 

 

*Apologies, Kitty!

[bloodhound]

nice pics tesseract, but you obviously forgot the best one. Vinnie Jones grabbing Gazza's nuts. for those who didnt know, vinnie jones used to play footie before he went into acting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OH AND WAIT. IT DOESNT END THERE!!

 

[Gilded]

-The Comical Mishaps of Phi For All-

And once it happened so, that Phi's comical mishaps weren't so comical, and he went to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates St. Peter asked him: "What good things did you do in your life? I mean, good things for the spreading of Christianity?" "Umm... yeah, I taught a motorcycle club called The Undead Devils about the wonders of Christianity!" "Good job! When did that happen?" St. Peter asked. "About two minutes ago", Phi answered.

 

-More rather comical mishaps of... some persons-

YT2095, Gilded and Phi for All were on a plane. Then Gilded thought: "Hey, let's drop something down and see if it hits something!" YT and Phi agreed. Gilded dropped a stone, YT dropped a chili pepper and Phi dropped a hand grenade. Afterwards, they went to look for their items. Gilded saw a crying girl and asked: "Why are you crying?"

"Well, someone first threw me with a stone and then a large chili pepper fell on my head", the girl sobbed. YT, Gilded and Phi kept walking, wondering what happened to the grenade. Soon, Phi saw a laughing boy and asked: "Why are you laughing?" "You're not going to believe this", the boy said. "When I farted, my neighbor's shed blew up!"

[Phi for All]

5614, swansont and Lance are fishing on a lake when Lance gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. 5614 says "What should we do?"

 

swansont says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help."

 

So 5614 jumps in, and after quite a while, he surfaces. 5614 says, "Help me get him in the boat, he was all the way at the bottom." They wrestle Lance back into the boat. 5614 says, "What do we do now? It doesn't look like he's breathing."

 

swansont says, "Give him mouth to mouth."

 

5614 blows air into Lance's lungs a few times and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Lance having such bad breath."

 

swansont says, "Come to think of it, I don't remember Lance wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

[Phi for All]

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you yesterday," the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day the same guy calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

 

"Sorry," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

[Auk]

This little kid is trying to reach the doorbell but he's to short. A priest comes along and decides to help him. He rings the doorbell and then looks at the kid and says "Now what" The kid replies "now we run"

[birdo118]

An Israeli man says:"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 6 weeks!"

A German says:"In my country, medicine is so advanced we can take a lung out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in 4 weeks!"

A Russian man says:"Medicine in Russia is so advanced, we can take half a heart out of one man, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks!"

An American, not to be outdone, says:"Oh ya, in our country, we took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House, and half the country was looking for work the next day!!!"

[Phi for All]

President Bush is going to establish fair elections in Iraq. He's going to do what it takes to rebuild their infrastructure. He's going to firm up their economy. He's going to create jobs. And he said if it works over there, he'll try it over here.