The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[swansont]

A very wealthy man is on his death bed. He calls for his doctor, priest, and lawyer.

 

When the three of them arrive, he says to them: "I know they say you can't take it with you, but I want to try. There are three bags over there. Each has $100,000 in it. I want each of you to take a bag, and at my funeral, throw the bag in my coffin just before they close it."

 

The next day, the man dies. At the funeral, just before the coffin is closed, the three men each drop their bag in the coffin.

 

After the funeral, the three are talking. The priest says, "I feel so terrible, I have to confess: We are building a new church, and the building fund was $10,000 short, so I took that much out of my bag before placing it in the coffin."

 

The doctor says, "I feel bad, too. My hospital is building a new wing, and we are also short on funds. I took $15,000 from my bag to help complete the new wing."

 

The lawyer smugly says, "I can't believe you two! I enclosed a check for the full amount!"

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

A couple want to decide what their teenager is going to do when he leaves them. So they leave a bottle of whiskey, $100, and a bible out on the table. If he takes the whiskey, he'll be a drunkard, if he takes the money, he'll be a lawyer, and the bible, a priest.

Their son comes home, sees the items, and thinks a moment. Then he takes the money and the whiskey, as his parents watch.

 

The husband says, "Oh no! Our son is going to be a politician!"

[Phi for All]

A homeless man knocks on the door of a big mansion. When the lady of the house answers he explains that he'd like a handout so he can buy some food. The lady says, "I didn't get to be rich by handing out money to vagrants. If you want money from me, you'll have to work for it!"

The man says he doesn't mind working to earn the money and asks what she wants him to do.

"Paint the porch around back and I'll give you $20. You'll find the paint & equipment in the shed. And," the lady adds, "you'd better do a good job or you'll get nothing!"

An hour later the man knocks on the front door again. When the lady answers he tells her he's through and asks for his money.

The lady exclaims, "It's a huge porch! It should have taken you all day! You couldn't possibly have done a good job. I'm not paying you a penny! Now get out of here before I call the police!"

The man says, "I did do a good job! I was very careful. And for your information, it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

[Phi for All]

A couple of quickies I heard recently:

 

The real reason the Bush administration is so upset about the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal is they fear people will realize they were caught lying about sex.

 

Surgeons say politicians are the easiest people in the world to operate on. They have no guts, no heart and no spine, and their heads and a**es are interchangeable.

[Dave]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

[Phi for All]

Okay, one more, then I gotta get to work. Great modern religious joke:

 

A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the decent thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by speeding through the intersection.

The tailgating woman goes mental, blaring the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.

 

As she is still screaming at him, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a police officer. The officer orders her to get out of the car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

 

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for the mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and swearing a blue streak. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[aommaster]

Here's one. A science teacher want to disect a frog in class. He has a sandwhich in his hand and the frog in his pocket. On the way, he sees a weihghing machine. He thinks"I want to weigh myself. But, to make it more accurate,I'll take off all my clothes". After he weighs himself, he puts everything back on. He disects the sandwhich in the class and eats the frog instead!

 

If you guys are willing to go to other webistes, then, I have some good jokes on there. Blonde are REALLY recommended. Here is the direct link for you enthusiasts!

 

http://dragonslair.europe.webmatrixhosting.net/Jokes/Jokesframe.htm

 

Enjoy!

 

By the way, here are two more, short jokes.

A blonde is hanging from a cliff and has one of her arms chopped off. How do you kill her?

 

Wave at her!

-------------------------------

How do you stop a blonde getting out of her house?

 

Build a circular driveway around it!

[Tesseract]

heres something its a quote:

 

"See, one of the interesting things in the Oval Office — I love to bring people into the Oval Office — right around the corner from here — and say, this is where I office, but I want you to know the office is always bigger than the person." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004

[Lance]

Here's one. A science teacher want to disect a frog in class. He has a sandwhich in his hand and the frog in his pocket. On the way' date=' he sees a weihghing machine. He thinks"I want to weigh myself. But, to make it more accurate,I'll take off all my clothes". After he weighs himself, he puts everything back on. He disects the sandwhich in the class and eats the frog instead!

 

[/quote']

 

Did you make that up yourself....?

[Phi for All]

Best hunting joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

 

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

 

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

[Tesseract]

Best hunting joke:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

 

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm' date=' soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

 

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"[/quote']

 

That was on the news as funniest joke ever somewhere a while ago.

[Phi for All]

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my a**!"

 

Doctor: "Really? I've got some cream for that."

 

Great one-liner:

 

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the people riding with him."

[Phi for All]

That was on the news as funniest joke ever somewhere a while ago.

Naw, the funniest joke ever is this one (please forgive the stereotyping, all my Jewish friends out there):

A man walks into a synogogue one Saturday and kneels to pray. "God, it's me, Abraham Moscowicz. I've never asked you for anything before, but things are pretty grim for me right now. Please let me win the lottery."

Next week he's back, praying, "God, it's Abe again. I didn't win. Please, please, please, just this once, let me win the lottery!"

Next week he's back again, "God, I'm begging you, I don't ask for much, I'm on my knees, I really need to win the lottery PLEASE!"

The following week, after an even more hysterical prayer, the synogogue is filled with a bright light, and a booming voice from above says, "Abellah, you've got to meet me half way on this thing. BUY A LOTTERY TICKET!!!"

[aommaster]

Did you make that up yourself....?

 

Nope, I read it in a mgazine that I subscribe to. It was the best one I ever read! Why?

 

 

Naw' date=' the funniest joke ever is this one (please forgive the stereotyping, all my Jewish friends out there):

A man walks into a synogogue one Saturday and kneels to pray. "God, it's me, Abraham Moscowicz. I've never asked you for anything before, but things are pretty grim for me right now. Please let me win the lottery."

Next week he's back, praying, "God, it's Abe again. I didn't win. Please, please, please, just this once, let me win the lottery!"

Next week he's back again, "God, I'm begging you, I don't ask for much, I'm on my knees, I really need to win the lottery PLEASE!"

The following week, after an even more hysterical prayer, the synogogue is filled with a bright light, and a booming voice from above says, "Abellah, you've got to meet me half way on this thing. BUY A LOTTERY TICKET!!!"[/quote']

 

Wasn't that a blonde joke? I have it on my website, under the blonde jokes section!

 

 

Here is another one.

 

Science Teacher: Can you tell me anything about the 19th centure scientists?

Pupil : Of course sir, they're all dead!

[swansont]

Naw, the funniest joke ever is this one

 

Actually, the "make sure he's dead joke" was tested. "Funniest joke ever" isn't the interpretation I'd give - it was a joke that was most widely recognized as being funny, not the joke that got the biggest guffaw.

[Sayonara]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2297365.stm

[aommaster]

Here is another one:

 

An island had 20 people, one of which was an old woman. It started to rain on that island and thus, it caused a flood. A rescue helicopter came and told hte people that it only had space for 19 people. So, the people on that island told the lady to climb up first. They had left a young man on the island. When the lady got on, the rest of the 18 guys held on to the ladder and started to climb. No one was in yet. As they were flying away, the lady said, "turn back. I will sacrifice myself because I have seen the worls and have lived long enough. He hasn't, so, let him see the world". All of the guys on the ladder started clapping!

[aommaster]

[url']http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2297365.stm[/url]

 

How do they measure how funny a joke is? Is it given a rating from 1-10 or something?

[Phi for All]

How do they measure how funny a joke is? Is it given a rating from 1-10 or something?

A great joke is like a great skirt: short enough to maintain attention, and long enough to cover the subject.

[YT2095]

I just realised that at the time of posting this thread "Need a Jokes Section BADLY! :)"

things have changed, so now it`s renamed and is official, I wasn`t sure if would take off, but it has LOL, Enjoy )

 

"I`m not a vegitarian because I love Animals, I just Hate vegetables"

[swansont]

How do they measure how funny a joke is? Is it given a rating from 1-10 or something?

 

This summary says it was a five-point scale: 'People logging onto the LaughLab Web site were invited to rate jokes using a "Giggleometer" which had a five-point scale ranging from "not very funny" to "very funny".'

 

I also think it's interesting that they claim: "Bizarrely, computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long. (An abbreviated version was told in this story.)

 

Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny."

 

So wouldn't it stand to reason that if they added the word "duck" (i.e. 'two duck hunters are out in the woods...') that the joke would be much, much funnier?

[aommaster]

just realised that at the time of posting this thread "Need a Jokes Section BADLY! :)"

things have changed, so now it`s renamed and is official, I wasn`t sure if would take off, but it has LOL, Enjoy )

 

I have one thing to say to that YT, always expect the unexpected!

[Sayonara]

They also worked out "the time people found jokes most funny", which sounds a bit dodgy.

[Phi for All]

One of my favorites, but it's long:

 

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven. St. Peter motions the first one to come forward and tell how he died.

 

The man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. I live on the 10th floor so I snuck up the stairs and tried to sneak into our apartment but I used the wrong key the first time. I finally burst into the apartment and ran to the bedroom. My wife was naked in bed but I searched everywhere and couldn't find anyone. Then I looked out the kitchen balcony and saw a guy running down the fire escape. I was so angry the only thing I could think to do was roll the refrigerator to the balcony and heave it over. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

 

"I see. Well, you may enter," said St. Peter, and let the man in.

 

The second man comes up and St. Peter asks for his story.

 

"You see, I live on the 5th floor of my apartment building, and I was late for work this morning so I decided to take the fire escape. Just as I reached the ground, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and kills me, and now I'm here."

 

St. Peter says, "Hmmm, interesting. You may enter."

 

St. Peter asks the third man to come forward and tell his story.

 

"Well, sir, it's like this: I'm hiding in this refrigerator, minding my own business..."

[YT2095]

I have one thing to say to that YT, always expect the unexpected!

well in my line of work I try not to assume anything, and the unexpected is a regular and frequent occurance, I`ll chalk this one up to a pleasant surprise