RICHARDBATTY Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hades Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 Why is it called p.m.s.? Because mad cow was already taken :-/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newtonian Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 Who in the uk remembers rainbow the childrens tv show and how disgustingly filthy it was. http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html Even if your not from the uk you may still like this. I had that full clip on video,however the website says it was broadcast but it wasnt.It was a deliberate wind up by the cast,however the producers were quickly on to it.Like your going to miss it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RICHARDBATTY Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 I had that full clip on video,however the website says it was broadcast but it wasnt.It was a deliberate wind up by the cast,however the producers were quickly on to it.Like your going to miss it I did wonder as it was constant innuendo all the way through, but with the likes of sponge bob I would not rule anything out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YT2095 Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 "Sir David's amusing and original story reminds me of the Victorian circus proprietor, whose star performer was the human cannonball. People travelled miles to witness him propelled hundreds of yards through the air. One day, sadly, the men with the net misjudged his velocity and the human missile expired. Told of the tragedy, the proprietor commented "How sad; we will never find a man of the same calibre." from: http://www.sir-george-young.org.uk/articles/newsitem.cfm?newsid=1668 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 I noticed the serial number on the condom I used last night was 777,777,777,777. Serial number?! Condoms don't have serial numbers! I guess you don't unroll them as far as I do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muhali3 Posted February 27, 2005 Share Posted February 27, 2005 A neutron walks into a bar and gets a drink. The neutron asks the bartender "how much?". He says 'no charge'. haha. get it. i know its not funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted February 28, 2005 Share Posted February 28, 2005 <Rather tasteless joke of the morning, before I go to my physics exam preparation class or whatever you call it> Phi for All has a company, and two employees called Sarah and Jack. Unfortunately, the company isn't doing too well and he has to fire one of them, although both are very good at their work. He decides to watch them work for a while and then chooses the one he fires. So one day, Sarah is in his office and suddenly gets a headache. He takes an aspirin and heads for the vending machine to get something to drink. Phi for All walks up to her and says "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Sarah replies "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coquina Posted March 4, 2005 Share Posted March 4, 2005 hope this one hasn't been posted before... BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all') WOOFies - Well Off Older Folk. CROP DUSTING - Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING. TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dan19_83 Posted March 8, 2005 Share Posted March 8, 2005 a guy walks into a bar and asks for no less than ten wiskeys. as quickly as they were put in front of him, he floored them back his throat. the bartender in amazment asks: 'why did you do that?!' the guy says: 'if you knew what i had you'd do it too' the bartender jumps back in disgust (thinking he has some disease) and asks: what do you have'. the guy says: only one euro Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1veedo Posted March 9, 2005 Share Posted March 9, 2005 If I was the last man on Earth I bet we could do it in public. Hey baby, how 'bout we go to your place and calculate the spring coefficient of your matress? Let's go back to my place and do some research in applied fluid dynamics. ...I was on a role today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ydoaPs Posted March 13, 2005 Share Posted March 13, 2005 a man is at a bar. he takes a shot and jumps out the window. a second later he comes up the stairs unharmed. he takes two shots and does it gain. then three. the man next to decides to give it a go. he takes a shot and jumps out the window. the bartender gets on the phone and says, "we need an ambulance; superman is screwin' with people agian." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YT2095 Posted March 15, 2005 Author Share Posted March 15, 2005 Top ten Comical Compounds... http://chemclub.cambridgesoft.com/chemhumor/FStopten.cfm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5614 Posted March 18, 2005 Share Posted March 18, 2005 A bolt of lightning contains enough energy to toast 160,000 pieces of bread. Unfortunately the bolt only takes 1/10,000 of a second – so turning the bread over might prove difficult!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pangloss Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 "Gas prices have been so high that Robert Blake and O.J. have been forced to carpool in their search for the real killers." -- Jay Leno Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rakdos Posted March 22, 2005 Share Posted March 22, 2005 Karl invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother eyed his beautiful roommate, suspicious that there was more than just a "roommate" situation going on. Karl saw her staring at Ellen. "I know what you're thinking, mom, but Ellen and I are just friends." A week later, Ellen said, "Karl, ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the silver soup ladle. Surely she wouldn't have taken it, would she?" "I really don't think so," Karl replied. "I'll write her a letter to ask, though." He got a sheet of paper, sat down, and wrote, "Dear Mom, I'm not saying you took our silver soup ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't take it. But our soup ladle has been missing ever since you came to dinner." A few days later, he received a reply from his mother. "Dear son, I'm not saying that you're sleeping with Ellen, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with Ellen. But if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the soup ladle by now. Love, Mom." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pangloss Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Saw a cool movie over the weekend. It was called "Bud Santa"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 Why did the dinosaur cross the road? - Chickens hadn't evolved yet. * Why did Mokele cross the road? - He went after the dinosaur. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dak Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 you know, i once gave simultaniouse sadism, necrophylia and bestiality a try. it was like flogging a dead horse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dak Posted March 25, 2005 Share Posted March 25, 2005 and heres one for dave: Q/ what did the mathematition do when he was constipated? A/he worked it out with a pensil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pangloss Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 18 things learned from the Schiavo case: 1) Jeb Bush, George W. Bush, and Tom Delay are all world renowned neurologists. 2) 22 successive court battles that all ended in exactly the same way means there is something wrong with the courts, not the Schindler's case. 3) Mike Schiavo is after money which is why he turned down 1 million dollars and 10 million dollars to sign over guardianship. 4) Congress and the State Legislature of Florida has nothing better to do than pry into the private medical affairs of others. 5) Pulling life support is bad in Florida when authorized by the legal next-of-kin, but pulling life support is good in Texas when you run out of money and the mother pleads not to pull the plug on her baby. 6) Medical diagnoses are best performed by watching highly editted videotape made by Randall Terry rather than in person by trained physicians. 7) Minimum wage making nursing assistants are more qualified to diagnose a persistant vegetative state than experienced neurologists. 8) Cerebral spinal fluid is a magical potion that can mimic the entire functions of a missing cerebral cortex. 9) 15 years in the same persistant state is not really enough time to make an accurate diagnosis. 10) A feeding tube that infuses yellow nutritional goop is not really "life support". 11) Jesus was wrong when he said that a man and woman should leave their parents and cleave only to each other. 12) Marriage is the most sacred of all unions, except when it isn't. 13) Interfering in a family's private tragedy is a great reason to cut short a vacation, but getting a memo that warns a known terrorist is determined to strike inside the US is cause to relax and finish up some R&R. 14) Pro-lifers are really compassionate people which is why they are hoping that Michael Schiavo dies a horrible painful death. 15) The Supreme Court of the United States and the State Supreme Court of Florida mean "Maybe" when they are saying "No!". 16) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia is a bleeding heart liberal. 17) 7 Supreme Court Justices were appointed by republican presidents, so it's Clinton's fault. 18) A judge who makes rulings based on the law is obviously an atheist, liberal, democratic activist even though he is a conservative, republican, Southern Baptist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
razorfane Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 A homeless and a scientist sit together on a train. The scientist gets bored and decides to play a game based on questions and answers, whoever gets a wrong answer has to pay. Since the homeless guy only has one dollar they decide that if the homeless guy gets a question wrong he has to pay one dollar but if the scientist gets it wrong he pays what he has, $352. The scientist goes first, he points out the window, "Can you see that star?" he tells the homeless. "Tell me the distance of the nearest star in that constallation." Off course the homeless guy had no idea so he ended up paying his dollar. Now the homeless' turn, "Do you see that mountain?", he tells the scientist. "What animal goes up the mountain on four feet and comes down the mountain on six feet?". The scientist thinks and thinks but nothing comes up. Arriving at the final stop, the scientist finally gives up and pays $352, but before exiting he says "How can this be possible, with all these years of study. Please you have to tell me what animal goes up the mountain on four feet and comes down on six!" So the homeless reaches for his pocket and gives him one dollar. Moral: common sense is better than knowledge(umm... generally speaking) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dak Posted March 30, 2005 Share Posted March 30, 2005 some flash-jokes for phisisists, courtisy of albinoblacksheep: jokes with einstein jokes with einstein 2 the last one pretty much sums up my oppinion of quantum phisisists, or however you spell it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mustang292 Posted April 3, 2005 Share Posted April 3, 2005 Daddy, how was I born ? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secludes room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Newtonian Posted April 4, 2005 Share Posted April 4, 2005 A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy however confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. Then in an unprecedented move, the judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. In a final ruling yesterday, custody was granted to the England Rugby Team as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now