The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Newtonian]

"I'm getting a divorce," said Phi to his friend, sayo. "The wife hasn't conversed with me for 6 months."

 

sayo thought for a moment & then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Phi. Wives like that are hard to find."

[dan19_83]

Daddy, how was I born ? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secludes room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

 

 

lol hilarious. I think you mean SFN and not MSN though!!

[5614]

Subject: math teacher arrested

 

AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

 

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

 

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

 

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex."

 

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."

 

(Yes it's all a joke -- just in case!)

[Newtonian]

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash & everyone on the bus dies.

 

They all go to Heaven & considering the hard life they have suffered being ugly & the horrific circumstances of their deaths, God decides to grant them all one wish each before they enter Paradise.

 

They're all lined up & God asks the 1st one what their wish is to be.

 

Syntax answers, "I want to be beautiful," & with that God snaps his fingers & the wish is granted.

 

Hellbender next in line sees this & says "I want to be beautiful too."

 

Another snap of His fingers & they too become beautiful.

 

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last person Sayo starts laughing. When he is nearing the end of the line Sayo is rolling around on the floor, shrieking with laughter.

 

Finally, God gets to the end of the line & asks the hysterical Sayonara what his wish is to be.

 

Sayo eventually catches his breath, & says: "Make 'em all ugly again"

[Pangloss]

There were no witnesses today in the Michael Jackson trial.

 

Apparently they all had a big spelling test.

 

 

 

(Jey Leno)

[Newtonian]

A paper bag goes to the doctors for an examination, & is told to come back 1 week later for the results.

 

Sure enough, he returns,

 

Doctor: "I've got some rather serious news for you"

 

Paper Bag: "What is it?".

 

Doctor: "Well, the thing is, you've got Hepatitis B."

 

Paper Bag: "How can that be? i've never been near any infected blood."

 

Doctor: "Well, your mother must have been a carrier.

[Phi for All]

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

 

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

 

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

 

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

 

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

 

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

 

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

 

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

 

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

 

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

 

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

 

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

 

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

[Phi for All]

Newtonian wakes up after surgery and asks, "Why are all the blinds

drawn?"

 

The doctor answers, "There's a big fire across the street, and we

didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

[Newtonian]

lol Phi.

 

Coral was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

Coral did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again,

Coral did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So

she did..

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You

haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, Coral asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

 

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass"

__________________

[dan19_83]

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman all worked on a building site.

One day they were on the tenth floor having their lunch when Paddy Scotsman says:

'Ham sandwiches. My wife has been giving me ham sandwiches for the last ten years, I'm sick of it.' With that he jumps off the building and kills himself.

 

Paddy Englishman opens his lunch box and sees cheese sandwiches. He says:

'Chesse sandwiches. My wife has been making me cheese sandwiches for the last ten years, I'm sick of it.' Again he jumps off and kills himself.

 

Paddy Irishman then opens his luch and sees turkey sandwiches. Once again he says:

'Turkey sandwiches. I've been getting Turkey sandwiches for the last ten years, i'm sick of it.' And yet again he jumps off and kills himself!

 

Anyway all three wives are at the funerals.

Paddy Scotsman's wife says: 'If only he had said something, I would have stopped making ham sandwiches.'

Paddy Englishman's wife says: 'If only he had said something, I would have stopped making him cheese sandwiches.

 

Paddy Irishman's wife then says: 'Ye think that ye had problems. My husband made his own sandwiches!!!'

[Newtonian]

lmao....heres one

A large town in West Yorkshire was stolen last night.

Police are looking for Leeds.

--------

Sayonara wanted to raise money for Labour party funds, and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for was very high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

 

The next day the local paper:

 

SAYO'S ASS SHOWS

 

Sayo was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

 

The paper read:

 

SAYONARA'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

 

His wife was so upset with this kind of publicity that she ordered Sayo not to enter the donkey in

another race.

 

The paper headline read:

 

WIFE SCRATCHES SAYONARA'S ASS

 

This was too much for WIFE. So she ordered Sayo to get rid of the donkey. So he decided to give it to Phi for All.

 

The paper headline the next day read:

 

PHI TAKES SAYO'S ASS

 

Followed by another on the next day:

 

NOW PHI HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

 

All the Gov leaders got very upset at this kind of publicity. They informed Phi that he would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for £500 .

 

Next day the headline read:

 

PHI SELLS HIS ASS FOR £500

 

This was too much for Mr Blair,so he ordered Phi to buy back the donkey lead it to the fields where it could run wild and free.

 

Next day, the headline in the paper read:

 

PHI for ALL, ANNOUNCES HIS ASS IS WILD AND FREE

[Aspirin]

Brace your selfs for a medival one

 

King: This year my campaign slogan will be "You never had it so good"

Rodney (Royal guard): Why not shorten it to "You never had it"

 

And a x-mas one

 

Dragon: Santa clus is a fat creep

Rodney: Are you nuts !!!

Dragon: .....and of his elves are right wingers

Rodney:....stop that !!!!

Dragon: It works, every year he fills my stocking with coal.

 

 

HAHA

LOL

[dan19_83]

Two sexist jokes to liven up your day.

Well, the men will probably laugh anyway!!

 

 

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

 

A woman who won't do what she's told

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

 

It's called a Wedding Cake.

[Guest zygon]

I know this perhaps isn't the kind of thing normally posted on this site. Please feel free to remove it if it causes offence.

 

There is a very funny song about a mad scientist that I would like to share with the world. Take a listen to 'professor lovehardy' on the download page - it 'really gets my pipette pumping!'

 

http://www.mutantcabaray.co.uk

[Obnoxious]

Here's something maybe considered offensive and tasteless by some!

 

How did the new pope die in the concentration camps?

 

He fell off the guard tower

 

 

What's worse than six babies in one trash can?

 

One baby in six trash cans

 

 

Why did Hellen Keller lose her arm?

 

She was trying to read traffic signs

 

 

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

 

Badum Tschh

[Callipygous]

how gross are we alowed to get?

is racist ok?

what about sexist?

[Phi for All]

how gross are we alowed to get?

Funny is what we're looking for.

is racist ok?

what about sexist?

Against forum policy.

[Callipygous]

Funny is what we're looking for.

ok... the two arent mutually exclusive.

[Phi for All]

ok... the two arent mutually exclusive.

Did I say they were? You owe us two jokes now. Make 'em funny.

 

Cashier: "You must be single."

 

Callipygous: "You can tell that from what I'm buying?"

 

Cashier: "No, you're ugly!"

 

[Dak]

shouldnt that start off 'a man walks up to the checkout with a microwave meal for one'? and you still owe a joke from your first reply to callipygouse

 

ok, whats brown and sticky?

[Callipygous]

because you didnt specifically tell me not too, and because both these are funny if you have my sense of humor, im heading down the gross line. (at least the second one)

 

 

Q: how do make a cat go "woof"?

 

a: soak it in kerosine and light it on fire

 

 

what? that wasnt funny? this is why i asked... you could have given me a real answer

 

i think i owe you another one now, so lets see if this ones within the limit...

 

 

Q. how do you stop a clown from laughing?

 

A. Hit him in the face with an axe.

[1veedo]

Why did Hellen Keller lose her arm?

 

She was trying to read traffic signs

If Hellen Keller falls in the woods does she make a sound?

[Phi for All]

shouldnt that start off 'a man walks up to the checkout with a microwave meal for one'?

Brevity is the soul of wit.

and you still owe a joke from your first reply to callipygouse

Man: "Rabbi, since we're not allowed to work on the Sabbath, is sex considered work or play?"

 

Rabbi: "Sex is definitely play. If it was work, my wife would have the maid do it."

 

ok, whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

[jdurg]

Here's a good one.

 

A penguin is driving his beat up old chevy down an Arizona Highway. He suddenly starts seeing smoke coming out from under his hood. He pulls over into the nearest gas station and talks with the mechanic. The penguin asks the mechanic if he could take a look at the car for him. The mechanic says "Sure, but it will take a little while." The penguin replies "No problem. I'll just go for a walk and come back in about an hour". So the penguin starts walking down the highway.

 

Now ya see, penguins are from the cold north so they aren't aware of how hot the Arizona sun can get. After about half an hour, the sun really starts beating down on the penguin and making him quite uncomfortable. As he starts walking back to the gas station he notices an ice-cream cart. Desperate for something to cool him off, he runs over to the cart and buys an ice-cream cone with 3 scoops of vanilla ice-cream in it. He pays for the cone and starts to gobble it down, but it's so hot that it begins to melt and get all over his face and the front of his chest. The penguin is hot, however, so he doesn't care that he's now covered in ice-cream. It feels good and is cooling him off. Covered in ice-cream, he walks back to the gas station and sees the mechanic. The mechanic notices the penguin and goes up to talk to him.

 

The mechanic says "Hey. Looks like you've blown a seal."

 

The penguin is a bit puzzled, but then says "Oh, no, no, no. That's just ice cream."

[Obnoxious]

Here's something that'll knock your socks off!

 

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?

 

He was charge with assualt and battery !!!!!

 

 

Get it, get it!!