The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Dak]

lol @ callypigouses no 2!

 

ok' date=' whats brown and sticky?[/quote']

A stick.

 

ok, whats blue and fluffy?

[jdurg]

lol @ callypigouses no 2!

 

 

 

ok' date=' whats blue and fluffy?[/quote']

 

 

A depressed cotton ball.

[Dak]

nope. blue fluf.

 

now, whats yellow and smells of bananas?

[Callipygous]

bananas

[Dak]

nope. monkey vomit ahahahahahaha

[Callipygous]

Q. why did billy fall off the swing?

 

 

A. he had no arms.

 

 

 

 

Q. why did johnny fall off his bike?

 

 

a. someone threw a fridge at him.

 

 

 

whats the difference between a baby and a banana?

 

 

a banana doesnt scream when you peel it.

[Dak]

whats green, has 6 legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree onto you?

 

 

 

[hide]a pool table [/hide]

[AzurePhoenix]

Layoffs are Tough

--------------------

 

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

 

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

 

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

 

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

 

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

 

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

 

Damnit, how likely is it that someone posted the same joke only two pages before?!!! Whoever else used it, I'd like to apologize, and will be detracting this joke as soon as I can, I'll try to replace it with something else(or it'd be helpful if a mod erased it entirely)

[Callipygous]

That's a legend (purported to be true). On MythBusters they tried thawed and frozen chickens and they both blasted a hole straight through the windshield. Then they measured the impact time with the chicken fired at a wall, and calculated which did more damage. It was the same.

 

 

so many viewers called in and complained about that one that they redid it and instead used a test with several layers of windshields and found that the frozen chicked had FAR more penetrating power.

 

myth confirmed.

[Obnoxious]

Callipygous, why is Jesus smiling and hand signaling towards me in an inviting and friendly way?

[Callipygous]

Callipygous, why is Jesus smiling and hand signaling towards me in an inviting and friendly way?

 

because hes your buddy. christ didnt come here to give us the willies! he came to help us out. he was a booster. and it is with this in mind we present our new, more inspiring sigil. i present to you, the first of many revamps the catholacism wow campaign will be unvailing throughout the year, the BUDDY CHRIST. of course thats not the sanctioned term for the statue, just something weve been kicking around the office...

 

 

/nerdification over.

 

(and yeah, thats off the top of my head for anyone who knows what in the hell im talking about. i know some of it isnt quite right, but im still proud )

 

ps. in my opinion its more of a thumbs-up-"you da man" kind of gesture.

 

 

but look at it... doesnt it just POP, buddy christ ?

[Phi for All]

You're OK in MY book!

[C60]

OK heres a lightbulb joke, How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? 15 one to hold the bulb and the other 14 to drink until the room spins

[Obnoxious]

Yay! Jesus loves me!

[Phi for All]

Yay! Jesus loves me!

Who told you that?

The Bible told me so!

In the Bible, the Bush's are burning! Muahaha!

[Nevermore]

Wow, it's a shame there are no Gir stand ups on me. *cough* hint *cough*

[flash]

Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye,

I don't worry I don't cry,

I'm just happy that cow's can't fly..

[flash]

Jill called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech Support: "Are you running it under Windows." Jill: "No, my desk is next to the door. But that`s a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

 

Tech Support: "OK, let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter `P` to bring up the Program Manager.",

Jill: "I don`t have a `P`."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard.",

Jill: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "`P` on your keyboard."

Jill: "I`m not going to do that!"

[flash]

SDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

WWW - World Wide Wait

DOS - Defunct Operating System

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

HUGHES- Highly Useless Guys Hired for Eating and Sleeping

[flash]

A mathematician found out that a pipe was leaking, so he called a

plumber. The plumber changed a gasket and asked for $100.

 

"But how is it possible? You've been working for only 10 minutes and it

takes me full week to earn $100", exclaimed the mathematician.

"Well, that's why I became a plumber. But let me tell you something - I'll

give you the address of my company. Go there and say that you want to work

as a plumber. And don't mention that you are a mathematician."

 

And so the mathematician did. Soon he earned quite a lot of money.

 

But the company decided to educate the plumbers and send them to primary

school. On the first day the mathematician was asked to write the equation

for the surface of a circle on the blackboard. He could not remember it,

but he wanted to use integral calculus to derive it. However, he made some

error and obtained a negative result. He repeated the calculations twice,

thrice - and still obtained a negative result.

 

He looked stressed at the class

and found all the fellow plumbers shouting to him: "Change the range of

integration! Change the range of integration!"

[flash]

Stupid Questions with the Smart Answers

 

 

BOY : May I hold your hand?

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

 

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

 

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.

BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

 

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??

 

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

[flash]

Stupid Questions with the Smart Answers

 

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

 

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,Peter?

PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

 

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"

Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

 

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Pupil : "A teacher".

 

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"

Customer : "What other colors do you have?

[flash]

Stupid Questions with the Smart Answers

 

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"

David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

 

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"

Student : "Brotherly love".

 

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"

Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

 

Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father coincidencely got married on the same day and at the same time."

 

Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"

One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

[flash]

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.

 

She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

 

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

 

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.

 

"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

[flash]

A mechanical, electrical and a software engineer from Microsoft were driving through the desert when the car broke down. The mechanical engineer said "It seems to be a problem with the fuel injection system, why don't we pop the hood and I'll take a look at it."

To which the electrical engineer replied, "No I think it's just a loose ground wire. I'll get out and take a look."

Then, the Microsoft engineer jumps in. "No, no, no. If we just close up all the windows, get out, wait a few minutes, get back in, and then reopen the windows everything will work fine."