The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[flash]

Funny Letters

 

People actually write such applications!!! This is an actual collection of leave letters and applications written by people from India

 

1. A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

 

2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave.

 

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

 

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

 

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"

 

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day".

 

7. A covering note "I am enclosed herewith..."

 

8. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

 

9. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

 

10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

[Phi for All]

Wow, it's a shame there are no Gir stand ups on me. *cough* hint *cough*

Hey everybody, Nevermore's in the audience! In raven language, his name means, "Man, are YOU depressing!" I'm glad he finally decided to join us at the comedy club. Nevermore has obsessive-compulsive disorder, so it's taken him seven months to decide where to sit. Good choice, right next to the gorgeous AzurePhoenix. Ooops, he accidentally touched her knee, which would normally be OK with Azure, but with his OCD he now has to do it 99 more times. Good luck explaining that, groping-boy! I've tried to tell him that his OCD helps with things like math and keeping his room tidy, but I made the mistake of telling him he has to see the glass as half full, not half empty. He spent a week filling a glass exactly half full. Uh-oh, looks like AzurePhoenix is not buying his explanation. She's going to break all the fingers on his right hand, and that'll just make him uneven. Don't hit him, sweetie, just give him a road map to fold!

[1veedo]

Yay! Jesus loves me!

Me too! I always make him wear a condom though, so dont wory

[Rakdos]

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, one by one -

 

 

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice

young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to

the bathroom?" she asked.

 

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

 

The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"

 

"What about you John, how would you say it?"

 

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

 

The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table."

 

"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

 

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."

 

The teacher fainted..

[klanger]

I found this website on actual insurance claims and laughed so bad it made me cry, here are a few tasters hope you enjoy as much as I did

 

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

 

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

 

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

 

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

 

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

 

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

 

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

 

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

 

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

 

http://www.businessballs.com/insuranceclaims.htm

[Guest Dak Giles]

I couldn't resist - Definition of Politics: poly = many + ticks = blood-sucking insects

[Guest Dak Giles]

Q: What is the difference between a duck?

A: One of the legs are both the same.

[john5746]

Hey, I was thinking: Bush said he had political capital to spend and intended to spend it. Well, as with the taxpayer's capital, he has already spent it in his first year and is running a deficit!!

[Ducky Havok]

(This came right from The Simpsons)

What's so funny about the derivative of [math]\frac{r^{3}}{3}[/math]?

It's [math]r^{2}dr[/math] or r*dr*r (hardy-har-har) ... lame I know.

[Callipygous]

(This came right from The Simpsons)

What's so funny about the derivative of [math]\frac{r^{3}}{3}[/math]?

It's [math]r^{2}dr[/math] or r*dr*r (hardy-har-har) ... lame I know.

 

 

yeah... pretty much. but perfect for this forum.

 

 

 

why did the koala fall out of the tree?

 

it was dead.

 

 

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

 

it was stapled to the first one.

 

 

why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

 

it was hit by the first and second.

[xa]

Kinda overplayed but funny. You forgot:

If pro is for and con is against what is congress against?

and

If electricity comes from electrons does morality come from morons?

[5614]

Appologies for all the >'s they annoy me too, but I'm in a rush.... it's funny and worth it though!

 

There's nothing worse than a doctor's snotty receptionist who insists you

>tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us

>have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

>

>An 86 year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he

>approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the

>doctor for today?"

>

>"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

>

>The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

>crowded office and say things like that."

>

>Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

>

>The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in

>this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong

>with your ear or something and then, discussed the

>problem further with the doctor in private."

>

>The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of

>others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited

>several minutes and then re-entered.

>

>The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

>

>"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

>

>The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken

>her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

>

>"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

>

>The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

[reverse]

This one goes to human nature.

 

Salesman rings doorbell of house in rich part of town.

It's evening, and a 12 year old boy answers the door dressed in a dressing gown with a large glass of Whiskey and Ice in one hand and an expensive Cigar alight in the other.

 

Salesman: “Excuse me young man , is your father home?”

 

Boy: Does it F****ing look like it?

[Phi for All]

Well, it looks like AzurePhoenix is through teaching Nevermore to keep his obsessive, compulsive, broken and mangled hands to himself. Azure, release him and let the paramedics do their job now or the club will charge you to get the bloodstains out of the carpet. AzurePhoenix is a cheerleader at Abu Ghraib Arizona High School. Think of her as a cross between Kim Possible and the Marquis de Sade. Then violently throttle anything even remotely Disney and you begin to get the picture. She loves animals of all kinds (no, not you, Callipygous). She's been known to track down poachers and stake them to the top of Arizona anthills. That's why she always carries that little plastic squeezy-bear bottle of honey in a holster on her hip. Her date couldn't make it tonight. When he got to her house he accidentally stepped on her cat's tail. Fortunately, Azure's father is a policeman, so he was able to finally pull her off the poor guy and call for an ambulance... and backup. Happy Birthday, AzurePhoenix!

[Callipygous]

dude... you gotta be careful about calling AP a cheerleader. shell pick your favorite appendage and rip it clean off to feed to the Ivory Billed Woodpeckers.

[AzurePhoenix]

FORMER CHEERLEADER!!!!! FORMER!!!! I HAVE REFORMED MY WICKED WAYS!!!!! It's okay, I loved it. Yay for birthday standup!!!!

 

okay, for a space-filler joke-ette

 

You might be a redneck if your baby has more teeth than you.

 

You might be a redneck if you use a coupon to buy day old bread

 

You might be a redneck if you can't decide whether it's chicken or tuna

[Hellbender]

I don't think I have ever contributed to this thread, but I do have a sense of humor.

 

Things You'll Never Hear a Redneck Say...

 

I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

 

Duct tape won't fix that.

 

Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

 

Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

 

We don't keep firearms in this house.

 

Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

 

You can't feed that to the dog.

 

I thought Graceland was tacky.

 

No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

 

Wrestling's fake.

 

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

 

We're vegetarians.

 

Do you think my gut is too big?

 

I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

 

Honey, we don't need another dog.

 

Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

 

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

 

Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

 

Spittin' is such a nasty habit.

 

I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

 

Checkmate.

 

She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

 

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

 

Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

 

I don't have a favorite college team.

 

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

 

You ALL.

 

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

 

Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight.

 

I guess I find this funny because people like this are everywhere where I live .

[Phi for All]

Wicked, animal-loving, dominatrix/cheerleader = funny

 

Reformed, former cheerleader = zzzzzzzzzzz

 

They may be nerds, but this crowd will eat you alive if you're zzzzzzzzzzz.

Ants! Honey! Woo-hoooo!

[AzurePhoenix]

Fine I concede, if that's what gets you off go ahead and think of me as a cheerleader, the kind who uses the goal posts to pole dance, does a psuedo-striptease, then beats the stuffing out of the grabby mascot.....

 

Okay, here are my lame jokes of the day, forgive me, but it's late and I'm stressin' ....

 

The popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local

card shop, looked around, then approached the clerk.

 

"Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?"

she asked.

 

"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a

new one. It's inscribed, "To the Boy Who Got My Cherry."

 

"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Q: What happened to the blonde cheerleader when she did the splits?

A: Twenty class rings fell out.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Chatha]

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

 

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

 

Have you ever noticed while driving? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, andanyone going faster than you is a moron.

 

George Carlin

[Callipygous]

what has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

 

[hide]half a cat[/hide]

[Callipygous]

What has four legs and one arm?

 

[hide]A doberman on a playground[/hide]

[chemi]

homeless person: "can you spare some change?"

 

guy: "I think what you need to ask for is more knowledge and a better brain, not more money."

 

homeless person: "sir, I think I AM asking you for the one that you have more."

[5614]

This is an old classic:

 

[YT2095]

LOL I get it! It says "secret bunker"' date=' but since its saying it on the sign its...not so secret......

(j/k)[/quote']

 

Holy crap! your quick! I`ve been deliberating over that all night!

 

anyway...

 

Q: what color is a Beltch?

 

 

A: Burple :0