The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[scientistsahai]

An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's cheek and saying, "zzzzzt!" Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, "If you do that one more time, I'll chop your penis off!''

Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, "zzzzzt!"

 

The guy said, "Okay, that's it!" He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there.

 

He then said, "Well, if you don't have a penis, how do you have sex?"

 

The alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek, and said "zzzzzt!"

[Evangelante]

So this guy walks into a bar and he falls down.

[scientistsahai]

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

 

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

 

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

 

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants.

[swansont]

A recent thread reminded me of this.

 

A man goes searching for a wife, but is dismayed that he can't find a pure woman, an innocent virgin, to marry. He sets about to travel the countryside and find one. Upon arriving at a new village and meeting a fair young maiden, he would drop his pants and ask, "What's this?"

The reply was always, "That's your willy."

 

And he would go on to the next village, and grew more despondent with each passing day. No innocent women to be found anywhere.

 

One day, however, he chanced upon a young lady, lowered his trousers and asked his question. "What's this?"

"I have no idea," she replied.

The man was overjoyed and declared his intention to marry her. He got permission from the father and the wedding followed soon after. On their wedding night, after they undressed, he asked his question again.

"What's this?"

"I have no idea," she again replied.

"This is my willy," he informed her.

"Don't be silly, " she exclaimed. "Willies are black and at least a foot long!"

[Pangloss]

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

[jazzoff]

This was voted as the world's funniest joke.

 

Two hunters were in the woods when one of them suddenly fainted and lay on the ground motionless. Frantic, the other hunter called the emergency services for help.

 

"First, see if the guy is dead." The guy on the phone advised the hunter.

 

Then the former heard a gunshot in the background. The hunter said, "What next?"

 

Haha.

 

Here's another one.

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping on the hills. In the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up, and told him what he could deduce from the stars.

 

"Oooh," Watson said, "There are billions of stars in the universe, and from here, I can see the Big Dipper, shining brightly in the sky. Actually, Sherlock, I think there are planets like Earth out there, and perhaps beings that are similar to humans may thrive there."

 

"Watson, you idiot!" Sherlock snapped, "Somebody has stolen our tent!"

[Callipygous]

This was voted as the world's funniest joke.

 

Two hunters were in the woods when one of them suddenly fainted and lay on the ground motionless. Frantic' date=' the other hunter called the emergency services for help.

 

"First, see if the guy is dead." The guy on the phone advised the hunter.

 

Then the former heard a gunshot in the background. The hunter said, "What next?"[/quote']

 

how do you feel about BUTCHERING the worlds funniest joke?

 

"first MAKE SURE the guy is dead."

 

*sigh*

 

 

a few i got in an email this morning:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The

wedding wasn't much, but the reception was just great.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve

you, but don't start anything!"

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and

says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this

taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to

Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing

to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't

find any.

 

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

 

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

15. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to

his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them

laugh. No pun in ten did.

[anthropos]

don take things too seriously. For goodness sake, it's just a forum. anyway here's a lame joke:

 

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

 

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"

[Royston]

Oldies but goodies...

 

What did the accountant do when he was constipated ?

 

He worked it out with a pencil.

 

Why did Nivea Cream ?

 

Cause Max Factor.

 

What's the difference between a dead prostitute and a ferrari ?

 

I havn't got a ferrari in my garage.

[MetaFrizzics]

I hope you lot are better scientists than comedians

mmmwah he ha ha haaa!

Hey! This guy's a comedian. I used to be a standup comedian myself, but they told me to sit down.

[MetaFrizzics]

Here are some warm up jokes for the one my brother wrote:

 

Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

 

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.

------------------

Policeman: Knock, knock.

 

Woman: Who's there?

 

Policeman: The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.

------------------------

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell.

 

Eventually they all starved to death.

-------------------------

Why did the chicken cross the road?

 

To escape the Nazis.

--------------------------

A man walks into a pub.

 

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

-----------------------

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

 

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

-----------------------

What do you call a cat with no tail?

 

A manx cat.

-------------------------

Why do undertakers wear ties?

 

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

--------------------------

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

One.

-----------------------------

Why do women fake orgasms?

 

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

--------------------------------

Two men are sitting in a pub.

 

One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."

 

The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit."

------------------------------

Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?

 

Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.

-----------------------------

Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite?

 

Dog-owner: No.

 

Man: Can I pet him?

 

Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes him skin weep if touched.

------------------------

How can you tell when an Essex girl wants sex?

 

She displays signs of arousal, such as enlargement of the clitoris and swelling of the labia.

-------------------------

What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?

 

There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.

-----------------------------

What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?

 

A mule.

--------------------------

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.

 

However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.

--------------------------

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

 

You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.

 

--------------------------

[MetaFrizzics]

Okay that was cruel.

 

Here's some good jokes to make up for that:

 

--------------

How many women's libbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

That's not funny.

-----------------------

How many women's libbers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

One. You got a problem with that?

----------------------

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None. That's a hardware problem.

------------------------

How many engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None. That's a union job.

--------------------------

How many union guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None. It's not in the job description.

--------------------------

How many management reps does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None. We hire scabs for that.

-------------------------

How many scabs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

One. But he had an accident.

-------------------------

How many govt spokesmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None. But we've hired programmers to do design a tutorial.

-------------------------

How many real men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.

------------------------

How many real women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

None. They get a real man to do it for them.

------------------------

How many Quantum physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

An infinite number. But when the light comes on, there is only one.

[why?]

What not to say to the nice policeman.

 

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!

5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

6.I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

7. Bad cop! No doughnut!

8.You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

11.Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

12. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

13. I pay your salary!

14.So, uh, you on the take or what?

15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

19.Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

20. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

21. Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity searches?

[bloodhound]

[Newtonian]

LMAO.............oooooooooooooooo that was really good.Very amusing and scientifically correct...the pads do your head in

[Newtonian]

Hi anyone in Technical Support.....see their POV before your irrate call??

 

http://www.weakendproductions.co.uk/movs/jebsjobs.html

[Pangloss]

16 Reasons Why God Never Received Tenure at the University

Author Unknown

 

1. He had only one major publication

2. And it was in Hebrew

3. And it had no references

4. And it was not published in a refereed journal

5. And some even doubted that He wrote it Himself.

6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate His results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects did not behave as predicted, He often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class: He just told students to read the book.

13. He has his son teach the class.

14. He expelled His first two students for learning too much.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent, and usually held on a mountain top."

[ciderminx]

Two buddies, Spennie and Tony, are getting very drunk at Chalkies when suddenly Spennie throws up all over himself.

 

"Oh, no. Now Debbie will kill me!".

 

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell Debbie that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill."

 

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Spennie rolls into home and Debbie starts to give him a bad time.

 

"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

 

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Spennie says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin Itsh not wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But

thiss other guy got ssick on me . . . he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz beer. He said he was verrry sorry an gave me twennie quid for the cleaning bill!"

 

Debbie looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty quid!"

 

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.

[ciderminx]

A BOY and his dad are at a chemist. They walk past the condom display and the boy asks, "Dad what are those for?"

 

The dad replies, "Son they're for safe sex."

 

The little boy then asks why one box has only 3 condoms. The dad answers, "Because that is for high school boys. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."

 

The boy then inquires why another box has 6 condoms. The dad explains that it is for college boys. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday night.

 

The boy sees another box of condoms with 12 and asks his dad why.

 

The dad says, "Son that is for married men. One for January, one for February...."

[ciderminx]

George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.

 

He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

 

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself

 

with intelligent people."

 

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

 

intelligent?"

 

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"

 

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."

 

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

 

Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"

 

"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.

 

Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.

 

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's

 

not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

 

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

 

Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

 

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

 

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

 

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

 

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.

 

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin

 

Powell."

 

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,

 

"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[Pangloss]

So, thanks to legions of readers looking for a chief justice who can roll with the punches, here are the 13 Most Surprising Off-the-Wall Questions for John Roberts:

 

13. If you were stuck on an island at sea and had to choose one reality TV star to be your only companion, who would it be and why? And which one condiment would you take with you?

12. Follow-up question: You are trapped alone on a deserted island. What five amendments do you take with you?

11. Who is your least-favorite philosopher, and why?

10. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

9. Who do you like better, Lynyrd Skynyrd or the Allman Brothers?

8. Have you read On the Origin of Species? Explain the bit about the sexual relations of barnacles.

7. If a person could travel back in time to the 1940s and prevent a political enemy's parents from meeting (and thus prevent the enemy from existing), who would have claim to bring suit against the time traveler, and which decade would have jurisdiction?

6. What's your strategy for solving Sunday's Su Do Ku in the Washington Post?

5. Why shouldn't the ground be able to cause a fumble in football?

4. What changes would you recommend to the motion picture rating system?

3. If you and five other friends were going to dress up as the Village People for Halloween, which Village Person would you want to be?

2. If you had to cast a vote to end either pornography or abortion, but not both, which would you choose?

1. Which Rice Krispies mascot would make the best Chief Justice: Snap, Crackle, or Pop?

 

 

http://www.slate.com/id/2126134/

[Phi for All]

A blond was sitting on a train reading the newspaper.

 

The headlines blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

 

"That's horrible," she muttered to herself. Then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[SorceressPol]

The Dragon Slayer

 

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day, he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

 

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the

Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

 

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed.

 

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

 

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the

Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote.

 

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

 

Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth and, for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

 

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

 

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't care less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, refused to pay.

 

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the

same itching powder into the King's shorts.

 

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills

[bloodhound]

[bloodhound]