The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[stevo247]

Here are some jokes that I thought were pretty funny.

 

 

 

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

 

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a

ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he

turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a

horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

 

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The

man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are

an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

 

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well,

that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make

the shark believe in you?"

 

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the

heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

 

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close

down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

 

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and

bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about

to receive..."

 

 

 

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help … and to complain. Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so early? What’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee,” she said. “Where” he asked. “Between the first and second hole” she replied. He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your stance is too wide.”

 

 

 

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

 

 

 

Went to my doctor and told him my penis is burning. He said, "that means somebody is talking about it."

[iNow]

A man walks into an elevator, and the woman standing there says to him, "Can I smell your balls?" He replies to her, "No!?!" so she responds, "Oh, then it must be your feet."

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ugliest woman in the world walks into a department store with her two sons, and the teenager behind the customer service counter says to her, "What handsome boys you have. Are they twins?" The woman, completely dumbfounded, says to him, "One of them is 14, the other is 8. Why the hell would you think they're twins?" So, the employee replies, "Well, I just can't imagine anyone would ever fu(k you more than once."

 

 

 

 

 

These two guys leave campus one night after a week of finals. They head into the pub, get thoroughly loaded, trashed beyond all belief, and finally leave to head home. On the way, during their walk, they see a dog on the street licking it's balls. One guy says, "Man! I wish I could do that!" So, the other guy responds, "Don't you think you should at least pet him first?"

[thedarkshade]

:D...cool iNow, i enjoyed the second one.

 

======================

There are several men in a campus and among them two gays and an old man! Gays start to get excited and decide they want to have sex. And to make sure everyone's asleep one shouts :"Could I have a glass of water please?!" Nobody answers so it's all OK and indeed they have sex. But when they wake up in the morning, they find the old man in the corner of the room freezing from the cold. And one of them asks him: "why didn't you ask for a blanket man?" The old man answers :"a guy last night asked for a glass of water and somebody woke up and fu<ked him, so if I'd asked for a blanket they would probably do group porn on me?!!

[Phi for All]

Jack and Betty were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Jack asked, "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

 

Betty said, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now?"

 

"Please, Betty, I really want to know."

 

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

 

"Three? When were they?"

 

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

 

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

 

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

 

Jack was beaming. "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

 

Betty sighed and said, "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short...?"

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

Asked why he's bruised head to toe, Kelly tells the barkeep, ''I got in a fight with Riley.''

 

''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the surprised barkeep said. ''He must have had something in his hand.''

 

''Aye, a shovel it was," said Kelly.

 

''Dear Lord!" exclaimed the barkeep. "Did you have anything in your hand?''

 

''Aye, Mrs. Riley's left tit.'' Kelly said reverently. ''And a shining wondrous thing it was, but a poor choice in a shovel fight.''

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

A rabbi and a priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the priest's house. One day the rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees the priest sprinkling water on it. The rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''

 

The priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the rabbi said ''Oh yeah?! Well, since you're doing that....!'' and the rabbi takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

[Pangloss]

From Iowahawk:

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2008/03/amid-charges-of.html

 

Amid Charges of Spitzer Tryst, Embattled Prostitute "Kristen" Expected to Resign

New York - At a hastily scheduled morning press conference at the headquarters of New York's exclusive Emperors Club prostitution ring, high priced call girl "Kristen" announced that she would temporarily step aside in the wake of charges that she had engaged in sex with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer.

 

"I made a serious mistake and betrayed the trust of my co-workers, my many clients, and my pimps," she said in a quiet voice cracking with emotion. "I will be taking a leave of absence to earn their forgiveness, and redeem myself in the eyes of the entire expensive whore community."

 

The embattled prostitute did not mention Spitzer by name, and stopped short of offering an official resignation. But longtime sex industry insiders say that it will be difficult for Kristen to return to her post in light of mounting federal wiretap evidence that she had sexually serviced the Governor on at least two occasions.

 

"It will be hard for her to spin her way out of this," said Destinee Rizzo, editor of the trade journal Executive Concubine."After taking on clients like that, her days as a five diamond, high-roller suite call girl are over. Frankly, with all the press coverage she'll be lucky to get a job as a $5 truck stop lot lizard in Kentucky."

 

"The big problem now is to keep this incident from threatening the whole expensive whore industry," added Rizzo.

 

The revelation brought an immediate and angry reaction from Greymont Preston IV, spokesman for the powerful consumer watchdog group Profligate Wastrels United. "For that kind of money, there's an expectation that these girls have been with Snoop Dogg or Charlie Sheen," said Preston. "But please -- Eliot Spitzer? When our members are spending five thousand dollars to snort cocaine off an ass, they want to know that ass has some standards."

 

Preston said his organization would push for new industry guidelines, including a "black box" john tracking system, but stopped short of calling for government regulation.

 

"Unfortunately, that would involve meeting with members of Congress, and many of our member don't want to risk having the photos become public," said Preston.

 

Lafester "Sly" Williams, president of the Big Dollar Pimp Association, said his group would comply with greater oversight and control systems.

 

"We want to assure the expensive whore buying public -- whether they are drug dealers, washed out big league ball players, or compulsive gamblers on a temporary hot streak -- that when they purchase one of our products, that fine bitch will now be DNA tested and certified 100% free of contaminants from politicians or journalists," said Williams.

 

Despite the new assurances, Rizzo says it may take years for the whore industry's luxury segment to recover from the incident.

 

"The saddest thing is what it done to the youngsters, those starry-eyed 17 and 18 year old boys out there who dream someday of blowing thirty or forty thousand dollars on a hotel room full of beautiful, high end hookers," said Rizzo. "Sure, only a few ever achieve it, but that boyhood dream has always been universal. After the Spitzer incident, thought, I'm just not sure whether that's true anymore."

 

As to underscore that concern, as Kristen walked toward the exit of the press conference to her waiting 1973 Lincoln Continental Mark IV, she was approached by a teenage boy, a forlorn questioning in his eyes.

 

"Say it ain't so, Kristen," he begged. "Say it ain't so!"

 

[stevo247]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got

a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as

long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He

pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three

hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."

[timo]

[Phi for All]

This should be taken care of right away.

 

What he means is, "This is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself."

 

I have some good news and some bad news.

 

What he means is, "Good news, I get a Mercedes, bad news, you pay for it."

 

This may smart a little.

 

What he means is, "Last week, two patients bit off their tongues."

 

There is a lot of that going around.

 

What he means is, "My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better read up about this."

[padren]

I just thought up this horrible, horrible joke, and now I'll inflict it upon you all!

 

 

What did the Tortilla say to the joke cracking Nacho?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..."Do your jokes always have to be so cheezy?"

 

Couldn't resist!

[Phi for All]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

 

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. I don't know exactly what it is, but this piece has always been there."

 

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

 

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

 

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

 

If you're not sure what a 710 is...http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

[iNow]

http://www.xkcd.com/406/

 

 

[DrP]

GIRLS ARE EVIL - Mathematical PROOF!:

 

 

1) Girls require Time and Money so:

 

Girls = Time x Money

 

2)we know that Time = Money so:

 

Girls = Money x Money = Money2

 

3)Money is the root of all evil (Money = sqrt-Evil) Therefore:

 

Girls = (sqrt-Evil)2

 

4) so finally it is proven:

 

Girls = Evil

 

.................................................................

 

Which Writer does mercury come from?..............

 

 

H.G. Wells!

[iNow]

Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

 

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

 

She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?

He repeats "one third x cubed".

Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".

 

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".

The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"

 

 

 

 

 

A math professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline:

 

"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS!"

 

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:

 

"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"

 

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

 

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS"

 

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read:

 

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

 

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

 

"NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00"

 

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read:

 

"NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"

 

The Bishop was buried the next day.

[stevo247]

A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

 

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

 

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

 

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

 

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

 

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time! God is missing and they think we did it!"

[DrP]

What would you use to embalm a dead parrot?

 

- Poly-Myrrh!

[YT2095]

Q: how do you turn a Platypus into a soul singer?

 

 

A: put it in the microwave until its bill withers.

[YT2095]

My sister was driving down the road when a pickup truck abruptly stopped in front of her.

 

She stepped on the brakes, but ended up hitting the truck.

Both vehicles pulled over to the side of the road and as she was getting out of her car, a dwarf got out of the truck walked up to her and said "I am not happy!"

My sister then asked, "Well, which one are you then?" That's when the fight started.

[Pangloss]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ni_rAamVP2s

 

Thought you guys might get a little chuckle out of this. The comments on the YouTube page are hillarious.

[Phi for All]

An Alsatian went to the telegraph office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

 

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

 

“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

[Mr Skeptic]

Sorry, Sayonora³. You may soon need a new avatar

 

[MrSandman]

There are so many jokes so let me ask a question are french jokes ok???

 

well here I go.

 

A man notices a lion in his cage and notices the lion calmly licking its butt. The man goes up to the zookeeper who is also watching the lion, and asks, "Docile fellow, isn't he?"

"No," the zookeeper responded,"that lion just ate a frenchman who got to close."

"Then why is he licking his rear?" asked the man.

"Oh, the poor thing's trying to get the taste out of his mouth." answered the zookeeper

[iNow]

[Pangloss]

Lame effort to restart the thread incoming (you've been warned!):

 

What did the nuclear physicist have for dinner?

 

Fission chips!

[stevo247]

Implements of Math Destruction.

 

At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed", the Attorney General said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

 

**********************************************

 

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test.

She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's Kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"

 

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

 

"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

 

That's when a little girl at the back of the room yelled, " Spit it out !! It's a piece of ass !!

[iNow]

It's even a thermometer!