The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[iNow]

My internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy. She told me that I have to stop masturbating. I asked her why and she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'

[Air]

Substitute Teacher's Day:

 

[CaptainPanic]

A priest and a hunter go out for a walk. A few minutes outside the village, the hunter spots a little bunny. As it's the natural thing for him to do, he immediately takes aim and pulls the trigger of his rifle... Seeing the result he mutters: "Goddamn, I missed".

The priest replies: "You shouldn't be saying this, the Lord will not be pleased".

They continue their walk, and just a few minutes later, there's a beautiful deer staring at them. The hunter doesn't hesitate and shoots... but he says: "Goddamn, I missed!!".

The priest gets annoyed and replies in a firm voice: "You really should watch your mouth, the Lord has ways to make you understand!".

They continue their walk in silence, and after some time, there is a large bear... a target that cannot be missed. The hunter aims, shoots, and: "Goddamn, damn, damn, [beep] god, goddamn!! I missed again!!".

The priest gets really angry, then sad and says: "Don't say I did not warn you!"...

 

As the priest says this, dark clouds gather, and a blinding bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky. The priest drops dead. A voice from the heaven says: "Goddamn, I missed".

[iNow]

 

H/t - Afarensis

[Pangloss]

[YT2095]

12 Extremely Bad Puns:

 

 

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. he acquired his size from too much pi.

2. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

4. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.

6. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

7. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

8. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

9. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

10. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to the hospital. When his grandmother called to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on a head."

12. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

[iNow]

Dear Abby,

 

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out a lot with 'the girls.' When I ask their names she always says, 'Just some friends from work, you don't know them.' I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to check up on her.

 

Around mid night, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night out with ‘the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

 

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

 

Signed,

 

Need Help

[iNow]

With tonight being the 2008 election for US President, I thought I'd give something a little be true and a little bit light-hearted all at the same time.

 

 

 

 

[Gilded]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Would you like a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not," and vanishes in a puff of logic.

[iNow]

The Value of a Drink

 

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.'

~ Jack Handy

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.'

~Frank Sinatra

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

 

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'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.' ~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

 

 

 

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'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'

~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

 

 

 

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'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'

~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

 

 

 

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'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'

~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

 

 

 

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'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'

~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.

Here's how it went:

 

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year, everyone.

[iNow]

I came across this today and it gave me a bit of a chuckle.

 

 

 

[devrimci_kürt]

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on a ledge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"

 

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

 

"Well, there's so much to live for."

"Like what?"

"Well, are you religious?" He said yes.

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

 

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

 

"Baptist."

"Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

 

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1789 or Reformed Baptist Church of God, 1915?"

 

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

 

I said, "Die, heretic scum!!" And pushed him off the bridge.

:D:D

[iNow]

Via a friend at another site:

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

 

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

 

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

[devrimci_kürt]

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? Jules Feiffer

 

:)

---

Merged post follows:

Consecutive posts merged

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

 

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

 

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

 

He then takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... he said with a deep sigh" ............

 

"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Baby Astronaut]

A (insert dumb person here) enters a bar with a large turd in hand and says

 

"Hey...everyone!

Look what I almost stepped on"

[padren]

Well another thread reminded me of this one, and I thought I read it here but after a search I guess not:

 

A woman walks into a doctors office frantic "Doctor! you have to help me, I can't stop farting! They're silent and they don't smell, but I've already farted several times just in this conversation!"

The doctor quickly hands her a week's worth of pills and tells her to come back in a week.

A week later she returns even more frantic: "Doctor! I don't know what you gave me but I am still farting just as much - only now they smell horrible!"

"Great," replied the doctor, "that takes care of your sinuses, now lets see what we can do about your hearing."

[Norman Albers]

Do you so solemnly swear... YOU GODDANG FLIPPIN' BETCHA, YOU SUM'BUCK!!!

The fascisti cannot handle my humor. May they dwell asymptotically in time in a thermally high energy regime. I was not making fun of Obama or anyone. This is how we talk in southwest Oregon. We are not on the same page. Edited January 20, 2009 by Phi for All
context

[Phi for All]

The fascisti cannot handle my humor. May they dwell asymptotically in time in a thermally high energy regime. I was not making fun of Obama or anyone. This is how we talk in southwest Oregon. We are not on the same page.

Making fun is kind of the point. Being funny is even better. Jokes, of course, are the crowning achievement of this "page", since it's not called The Official Jokes Section for nothing.

 

I think I get it now, Norman Albers. It's a variation on Jon Stewart's joke about Bush getting re-elected, and at the inauguration Bush says, "I do solemnly swear..." and then so does 49% of the rest of the country. I didn't think the "sumbuck" part was racist or anything, I just didn't think it was a joke, but now I get it.

 

It's back now. My bad.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

A young man is stumbling down a back road with a key in his hand. A cop sees him and pulls over.

"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.

 

"Yesssh, shombody stole my car!" the man replies.

 

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".

 

"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.

 

At this point the cop looks down to see that the guy's pants are open. The cop

says, "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

 

The young man looks down and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!!"

Edited January 20, 2009 by Phi for All
owed a joke

[Norman Albers]

Verry good question dammit. The term "conservatism' has been jacked around so badly. The good aspect is government respecting the people and the economic market. The market goes crazy, and we see there is need for further intelligence. Buddy, can you par-a-digm??? Stay tuned, folks, for further signs of intelligent life. PHI FOR ALL, WE ONLY GROW OLD ONCE, BUT WE CAN BE IMMATURE OUR WHOLE LIVES!!

Edited January 21, 2009 by Norman Albers

[Pangloss]

You know, I like political humor as much as the next guy, but I have a problem with this thread being used to spread political messages. I don't think it's appropriate, I think it's underhanded, I think it's cowardly (hiding), and I think it undermines our credibility as an open forum.

[Norman Albers]

It seems to me everyone is being poked at. That was the brilliance of the movie "Airplane". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . When i use blue boldface italics I am feeling badass.

[iNow]

You know, I like political humor as much as the next guy, but I have a problem with this thread being used to spread political messages. I don't think it's appropriate, I think it's underhanded, I think it's cowardly (hiding), and I think it undermines our credibility as an open forum.

 

Not sure if you meant me or not, but my humor was on the day of the inauguration, about a real event (Cheney in a wheelchair) and I was not intended to push any political overtones... They just made me laugh. You'll notice I used almost all "he is running over lawyers," or "lawyers were happy he couldn't shoot them in the face" type comments, and the first tied back to an exchange earlier with ecoli and I... Context, my man.

 

 

Either way, so no additional feathers get ruffled, here's something completely different.

 

 

 

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Obama in '08 .' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.

[Pangloss]

I don't think you'd be offering rewards for putting someone in a wheelchair if that person wasn't a Republican. But that's neither here nor there. My real concern is that one-sided political humor in a general-purpose humor thread has a direct impact on the atmosphere of acceptable commentary across this site. (Which is exactly why you do it.)

 

I've suggested that we move political humor to a similar thread on the politics board, which I believe will not only solve that problem, but also make it easier to back-search for good political jokes.

[CaptainPanic]

A surgeon, an engineer and an economist are sitting in the bar.

 

They're all boasting about their achievements and their importance. Then the Surgeon says: "I have the most important job of us all".

"Oh yeah? Prove it!" replies the engineer.

"Well, when God created Eve from Adam, he used Adam's rib. Surely only a surgeon could do that!"

The engineer smiles and replies: "Well... where do you think Adam came from? Adam was created from Chaos. And surely that is something that only an engineer can do!".

 

The economist looks smugly and replies: "What do you think it takes to create that Chaos?"

[Pangloss]

I've started a sticky thread on the Politics board for political humor, and we will be moving politic jokes and humor over there. Please post any political humor in that thread from now on. Thanks.

 

http://www.scienceforums.net/forum/showthread.php?t=37962