Phi for All Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 A man pulls up in front of Chase-Manhattan bank in New York City in a brand new Mercedes. He's in an Armani suit and wearing a Rolex Presidential on his wrist. He enters the bank and asks to see the head of the loan department. He's ushered into the VPs office and the VP greets him warmly. "What can we do for you today, sir?" "I wish to borrow $5000," the man tells him. "For what reason, if I may ask?" "I'm taking a two week trip to Italy and I need some spending money." The VP tells him, "We'll need some collateral." The gentleman pulls out the keys and the title to his Mercedes, which he owns outright, and after going outside to check on the immaculate condition of the car and filling out some paperwork, the VP agrees to the loan. Two weeks later, the gentleman is back in the VPs office, ready to pay off the loan. "With interest, you owe us $5015.37." The gentleman writes a check, collects his title and keys and starts to leave, but the VP can't help but ask, "Sir, I checked your financial status and it seems you are worth quite a lot of money. Why did you come to Chase Manhattan for such a small loan?" The gentleman smiled and said, "Where else could I park my car in downtown New York for 2 weeks for $15.37?"
swansont Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 You're still single, right? Well, yes. But posting a joke isn't necessarily an endorsement of that point of view.
Phi for All Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Well, yes. But posting a joke isn't necessarily[/i'] an endorsement of that point of view. But telling jokes like that* will keep you single! *Post #101
aommaster Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 But telling jokes like that will keep you single! lol. Let's not try and prove it, like we always do in science!
Phi for All Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 At the cinema the other day I saw an old man and his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. When the film was over, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen," I said. "Your dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it IS amazing. He HATED the book!"
swansont Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 But telling jokes like that* will keep you single! *Post #101 I do have a basic idea of 'jokes that will get me slapped' or 'jokes that will eliminate the chance of another date.' It's not foolproof. Women claim to like guys with a sense of humor, but they are, shall we say, 'highly nonlinear.'
Phi for All Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Women claim to like guys with a sense of humor, but they are, shall we say, 'highly nonlinear.'Women like men who make them laugh. "Sense of humor" is highly subjective. Never tell a woman a dumb blond joke if you want a second date because many women just read "dumb blond" as "dumb woman". I'll let you in on a big secret. The main mental difference between men and women has nothing to do with logic. It's all about FOCUS. Men are focussed tactically on the situations facing them immediately. We see a fire, we put it out. Women are focussed strategically on the big picture. They worry about EVERYTHING all at once. They see a fire, they think "If I let it burn it could hurt somebody, but it could be good for the forest, but it may get out of control, but it may provide a better ecosystem, but rain may put it out without spending effort, but smoke could cause problems in another area, but it could...". Men tend to think this is illogical but it's not, it's just a different focus. Sorry, didn't mean to get philosophical. I owe you a joke: A bum asks a man for $2. The man asks, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Tesseract Posted June 14, 2004 Posted June 14, 2004 Knock knock Who’s there? Pizza delivery guy. Pizza delivery guy who? You ordered a pizza? Yes. I’m the guy delivering it. Great. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knock, knock Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH! Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH who? Actually, I’m here for Jones in #D1 but I need to take a monster crap and I hate to kill and THEN use the bathroom, you know? Its rude and the other way around, well it ruins my dramatic entrance. So… You want to use my toilet? Yeah? Go right ahead. Got anything to read? Just the crossword. You finished it. Sorry? Hold my scythe. Hey! Don’t forget to light a match. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knock, knock Who’s there? FBI! … … Hello? FBI! Let us in! … …nobody here… Oh. Let’s go boys! (Phew!)
Phi for All Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 A yuppie in a BMW tries to pass a slow bus and ends up sideswiping a semi. Everyone is OK except the yuppie. The sideswipe took off both of his left side doors AND his left arm. When the sheriff shows up the yuppie is in the front seat moaning, "My Beamer, my Beamer." The sheriff winces and says, "The car can be replaced, sir, but I'm afraid your left arm is gone at the shoulder." The yuppie looks down at it and his eyes widen. "Oh my GOD," screams the yuppie. "My ROLEX!!!"
AtomicMX Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?" "Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose. "Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand. Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border. Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?" "Sand," says Jose. A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border. For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?" Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: Bicycles...
swansont Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 DARK IN HERE A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that $%*& again".
Phi for All Posted June 16, 2004 Posted June 16, 2004 A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Phi for All Posted June 18, 2004 Posted June 18, 2004 Here's a nice clean one you can tell your grandma: A preschool teacher was driving a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started arguing about what the dog's duties are. "They use him to keep the crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's there for good luck." A third child said, "No silly, they use the dog to find the fire hydrant!"
YT2095 Posted June 18, 2004 Author Posted June 18, 2004 A woman walks into a Bar (no it didn`t hurt) and asks for a pint of water. a guy sitting next to her says " a pint a water? how come you`re only drinking water?" she says "you`de only be drinking water if you had what I`ve got!" the guy looks worried and moves uncomfortably in his chair, a while later he gets the courage to ask her "what have you got then?" she says "10 pence"
Phi for All Posted June 20, 2004 Posted June 20, 2004 A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is totalled but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." He hands the bottle to the priest and the priest takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and puts it away. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
Vague Posted June 20, 2004 Posted June 20, 2004 A joke from my side >The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11 >September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11 (After >September >11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year...) >119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11 >Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11 >The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11 >State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union New York City - 11 >Letters >Afghanistan - 11 Letters >The Pentagon - 11 Letters >Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted or orchestrating the attack at the WTC >in 1993) >Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11 >Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11 > >David Pawson's response: >---------------------------------- > >Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "David >Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks...! Wait a sec >... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! What am I gonna do? >Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe it! Oh crap, >there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no .. "PLANET >EARTH" has 11 letters, too! Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust >him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS." I know, the Red Cross can help. >No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED CROSS," can't trust them. I would >rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it,too! >Can someone help?? Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME >EMAIL" has 11 letters... >Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!! >Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has >11 letters... Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our >Independence Day is 4th of July(the 7th month) ... 7+4=11!
Phi for All Posted June 20, 2004 Posted June 20, 2004 Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" asked the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of beans on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," said the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket any more either." 1
aommaster Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 Here's another one: It is the first time a villager has visited the city. He is amazed by the tall skyscrapers and buildings. A man sees this villager and realises that he can trick the villager into giving him money. The man goes to the villager and tells him, "ou know that building? You have to pay me for every storey that you look at! It's $10 per storey".The villager pays him $150. After that man goes with the money, another man comes up to him and tells him "That man tricked you!"The villager replies "Oh no! I tricked that man. I wasn't looking at 15 storeys, but 22!"
aommaster Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 And another: A man goes into a rowing boat with a little boy who is doing the rowing. It was clear that the man was educated. He asks the boy "Do you know biochemistry?" The boy replies "No, sir". The man sighs "tsk.tsk. Quarter your life is gone". 10 minutes later, the man asks " Do you know calculus?" The boy replies "No, sir". The man sighs "tsk.tsk. Half your life is gone". 10 minutes later, the man asks again " Do you know physics?"The boy replies "No, sir". The man sighs "tsk.tsk. Half your life is gone". With this, the boy pushes the man into the water and asks the man "Do you know swimming?" the man replies "no!" The boy replies "tsk.tsk. your WHOLE life is gone!"
swansont Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 Points to Ponder If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you take an Oriental man and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
Sayonara Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? The words broke and broker entered English via different routes. Check out the histories on dictionary.com Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stalebread to begin with. Dried bread, and not dried particularly well. It will still rot. Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month,orange, silver, or purple? Why should they? Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up aproject, I end it? Winding up a watch refers to the mechanical action of tightening a spring. Winding up a project is a metaphor for pulling everything together into a final outcome. [Edit] As one might wind threads onto a spool. Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Put like that, I see no reason why they can't be interchangeable terms. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? A wise guy is not necessarily lacking in wisdom, and a wise man may well be fascetious. Also it's possible to be both. I don't see that they are opposites. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? They don't. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to maketerrible? Technically yes. The Ancient Greek deimos (if I remember correctly) meant 'terrible ', but also meant 'wise' and 'great'. Afaik it is only during its transition through English that it took on a negative connotation. [Edit] Further research shows that terribilis in Latin came from terrere, 'to frighten'. Certainly it's possible that something could be so good it is frightening. The dictionary definitions of terrific are: Very good or fine; splendid: a terrific tennis player. Awesome; astounding: drove at a terrific rate of speed. Causing terror or great fear; terrifying: a terrific wail. Very bad or unpleasant; frightful: a terrific headache. And as it turns out it comes from terrificus, which again is rooted in terrere. "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the Englishlanguage. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence? First bit: I would debate that "I am." is a properly structured sentence. Second bit: Not with today's divorce system. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't itfollow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? I have never seen a lighted electrician, barked tree surgeon or pressed dry-cleaner, but the others may well actually occur Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billionstars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? The same reason people press elevator or road crossing buttons that are already illuminated. If you take an Oriental man and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented? No more or less than anyone else I'd imagine.
aommaster Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 Here is another one: A man and a boy are siting opposite to each other in a train. The man has $1000 in his pocket and the boy has $500 in his pocket. The man wants to get that $500 from that boy. So, he tells the boy "Ok. Ask me a puzzle. If I get it correct you give me $500. If I don't, then I'll give you $1000". The boy agrees and says "Then, you ask me a puzzle, if I don't know,I'll give you $500". They both agree and the boy starts first "What is green, has 345 legs, and 4 eyes, and a body the glows in the dark?" The man doesn't know and gives the boy $1000. The man asks "now, for your puzzle, what is the answer to your riddle?" The boy replies "I don't know, and gives him the $500!" If you didn't understand, the boy now ends up with $1000 and the man with $500, exactly the opposite to what they had started off with!
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now