The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[dolphinlvr411]

why did the fish cross the road?

 

because somebody threw it.

[Pangloss]

With the approaching reign of our alien masters and the approach of the decline of society that will no doubt precede this event, I found this useful guide to surviving in the new world order.

 

[Pericles]

Little JOHNNY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

 

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.

 

It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

 

Little JOHNNY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

 

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

 

Little JOHNNY answered, "No, he minded his own f*****g business.

[jryan]

I created this to explain to a friend the difference between liberals, Liberals and Libertarians:

 

[iNow]

I'm not sure... You may need to be from Texas to appreciate this one. Enjoy.

 

 

Texas summertime...

 

 

*

Dear Diary

 

June 1 :

 

Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful

sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I've finally found my

home. I love it here.

 

June 14th :

 

Really heating up. Got to 100 today . Not a problem. Live in an

air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see

the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

 

June 30th :

 

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today . Lots of cactus and

rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another

scorcher today , but I love it here.

 

July 10th :

 

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to

this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to

the heat is taking longer than I expected.

 

July 15th :

 

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my

body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson

though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

 

July 20th :

 

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By

the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to

the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now

smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in

this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

 

July 25th :

 

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as

fire.* The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged

$200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

 

July 30th :

 

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I

can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

 

Aug. 4th:

 

It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today . It cost $500

and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

 

Aug. 8th:

 

If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today ?' I'm going to

strangle him. Lots of heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling

over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

 

Aug. 9th:

 

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when sat on the seats

in the car, I thought I was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost

2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and a. . . Now

my car smells like burnt hair, fried a, and baked cat.

 

Aug 10th :

 

The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and

sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 long months and the

weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in

this state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus

will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this

heat.

 

Aug. 14th:

 

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today . Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The

installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you

today ?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas

. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

 

Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

[JillSwift]

Why did the young physics student run from the M theory symposium?

 

He mistook them for zombies: People were all shuffling around, mumbling something about "branes".

[StringJunky]

Three old dears overheard talking to each other:

 

- " It's windy"

 

- " No it's not, it's Thursday"

 

- " So am I...let's go and have a cup of tea

[forufes]

a fresh philosophy graduate was having dinner with his father, and wanted to show off some of his "knowledge"..

 

- "dad, you dare me i convince you this chicken in front of us is two, and not one?"

.

.

.

stares..

.

- "well i'll take this and you have the other one"

[bbrubaker]

A man dies and ( to his surprise) finds himself flying through space with God.

 

'Wow! Can I ask you a question God?'

"Sure."

"Many people say the Earth was created in one day...others that it took billions of years to form."

"Yes my son well a billion years to me is like a second!"

Man: "Wow, well what about material wealth God? What do all the riches on Earth mean to you?"

"My son, all the wealth on Earth is like a mere dollar to me."

 

...

 

"God, can I borrow a dollar?"

"Sure... in a second."

 

 

 

 

 

I got that from A Prairie Home Companion's Annual Joke Show.

[kleinwolf]

-Vacuum Dimensional datas of both eyes is 21 dimensional, 21=7+7+7...so we have 3 eyes...

 

-But vacuum...

 

- by hitting our head, mouth open, we can convince it's empty

[Horza2002]

Two atoms are walking down a street when one say's to the other "O no! I've lost an electron!" The other replies "Are you sure" to which the first atom says "Yes, I'm positive!"

 

 

 

P.S. Sorry its an awful joke

[iNow]

Yes, I agree completely.

[padren]

I have to say I liked these:

 

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.

 

The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.

 

The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.

 

The statistician yells "We got him!"

[ydoaPs]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

 

So, I figure if I have to Roll my own .......... So does she.

[Mashfiq]

So a guy just got hired at an apple shop.The first customer walks in. "How much are these apples?" The clerk says, "I don't know." When the man leaves, the manager comes and says, "You are supposed to say, 'Five cents sir'." So the next customer comes in. "How much are these apples?" The clerk responds, "Five cents sir." "Are they fresh?" "I don't know." So the man leaves. The manager once again comes out and says, "You are supposed to say, 'Fresh fresh fresh sir!'" So the third customer walks in. "How much are these apples?" "Five cents sir." "Are they fresh?" "Fresh fresh fresh sir!" "Should I buy them?" "I don't know." Once again, the man leaves. Flustered, the manager tells the clerk, "You are supposed to say, 'If you don't somebody else will!'" Afterwards, the fourth man walks in, but he's a robber. "GIMME THOSE APPLES!" "Five cents sir." "ARE YOU BEING FRESH WITH ME??" "Fresh fresh fresh sir!" "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" "If you don't someboddy else will!"

[Mr Skeptic]

From xkcd.org: Lego

 

It's only slightly humorous, mostly I put it here because people should really consider being organ donors. You could save someone's life and/or improve the quality of life for potentially quite a few people. It could be the most significant thing you do in your life, and all it takes is a penstroke.

[thomasstuart]

Here is one from me:

 

 

The Computer Poem

 

A Computer was something on TV

From a Science Fiction show of note

Window was something you hated to clean

And Ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of a girlfriend

And Gig was a job for the nights

Now they all mean different things

And that really Mega Bytes.

An Application was for employment

A Program was a TV show

A Cursor used profanity

A Keyboard was a piano.

A Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

And if you had a 3-inch floppy

You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage

Not something you did to a file

And if you Unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A Mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a Backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A Web was a spider's home

And a Virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the Memory in my head.

I hear nobody's been killed in a Computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead

 

"The more intelligent you are, the more tenuous your grip on sanity."

[Mr Skeptic]

What is Sesame Street coming to these days?

Look at this video (it has been censored, but I assume you can figure out what the bleeped out word is).

Can you believe this show is supposedly for kids?!?

 

B-Wd-Q3F8KM

[Pangloss]

Teachers

 

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

 

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

 

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

 

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy..

 

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

 

5.. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

 

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

 

7. This child has been working with glue too much..

 

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

 

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

 

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

 

11.. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

 

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[Norman Albers]

Welcome to HELL. Save your ticket stub; I signed it.

Edited January 3, 2010 by Norman Albers

[zule]

How does woman’s brain works? It is easy to understand with the enclosed chart: Every blue ball is a though about something which needs to be done, a decision, or a problem with needs to be solved.

 

However, man only has two balls, and they fill all his thoughts

[hermanntrude]

One answer I had on a paper in the chemistry exams I had to mark:

 

the question showed a diagram of an electron configuration for nitrogen which contained a hund's rule violation. The question said "state why the following diagram represents an excited state for nitrogen". The answer was this:

 

"because the nitrogen knows it's nearly Christmas."

[padren]

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

PUMPKIN PI

[KaiduOrkhon]

Actually, we can have a jokes section. good jokes, brighten up people's day. For example we can have a good joke posted on the main page of this forum. Like in a corner or something. So, anyone who is logged on can read the jokes instantly. Science jokes would really fit the bill.

 

Hi gene

 

Is poetically rhyming humor ok?

Hope this works:

 

(Variations on this thought provoking vignette appear else-where on the net. Copyright 1979 - 2009, by K. B. Robertson. All rights reserved. With proper accreditation for authorship, may be reproduced and distributed for recreational or educational purposes. Condensed book <not for sale> freely accessible at http://forums.delphiforums.com/EinsteinGroupie)

 

 

For more cost free rhythm and reason, please consider a recreational season that resonantly sings beyond theories of strings.

 

 

 

From Euclid's straight line shine to Isaac's golden apple, and Albert's inspired geodesic grapple.

 

 

 

A catchy little tune that most anyone can croon, by the curved silvery light of Albert's expeditionary moon.

 

 

Dr. Einstein's waking inspiration may yet sweep the sleeping nation at the break of dawn and the slightest provocation.

 

 

An unrecognized solution that could start a peaceful revolution. Big Bang Gangology’s further confirmation of their favorite libation - more denial and debate with the orphaned Steady State.

 

 

Behold Albert's resurrected smart bomb with enduring aplomb. Benevolent bomb leaves all the buildings and people intact; takes 4-D space-time to get'em back on track .

 

Asked the teacher what gravity was, an' all he said is what gravity does. Said I wanna know why, not how things fall. Teacher said nobody knows that one at all.

 

 

Asked the people on the 6 O'Clock news; they said on that we have no views. Same thing happened in a physics lesson - a picture of Newton gave a puzzled expression.

Still wanted to know what gravity is, so I went outside and continued the quiz.

 

Asked a mathematician and he took all day saying gravity is numbers. So I lit one up and, went into suspension, tintanambulating beyond the 3rd dimension. The answer appeared as a gentle kiss, so I wrote another poem and it goes like this...

 

 

A Brief History of Rhyme - A Celebration of Space-Time

Almalgamation Liberated From extended Fragmentation

(The dreaded thread)

 

Poetic science appliance.

 

 

Einstein's presently abandoned Unified Field reinstated w'out mathematics.

The joining of Field with Quantum Mechanics.

The exclusion of politics from science.

A scientific paradigm shift alliance.

 

Scientific 'mainstream' panics at quantum mechanics

 

Democritus foresaw the invisible atom, but since then his discovery is found with substratrum. From antiquity, and ubiquity the continuous wave was the rave.

 

 

Faraday found the cathode ray. Thompson uncovered electrons one day. Rutherford saw protons in a different way. Understood Maxwell's waves beneath the celestial hood, discovered electromagnetic fields as no one thought he would. The wave emitting electron could not be subdivided - at first it was whispered, then openly confided.

 

Yet along came smaller mysterious articles, of Max Planck’s curiously indivisible 'particles' :

 

 

Transforming a known world of electrostatics into a truculent tangle of quantum mechanics. Conceptual doors were opened for the entrance of protons, but no comprehensive vacancy for the residential photons. Other atomic tenants varied in weight, height and disguise, but the photon is always the same null value and size. A deteriorating atom might change its balance or valence, while the unchanging photon showed no such talents. Vigils are kept to find it changing its station, while its stubborn identity confirms in black body radiation.

 

At dollar conventions where no change is invited, twenty nickels sit down to an audience excited. The quantum takes for granted inclusion, while greenbacks resent the currency intrusion. To and from spherical shells the electron darts - while the unchanged quantum arrives before it departs.

 

If you’re looking for a message in here, it’s of Max Planck’s quanta and Niels Bohr’s spheres. Invincible in principle, Newton’s Mechanics are sure as shooting, while quantum mechanics are robbing and lootin'. Evolutionary experiments are eclectic, but the final conclusions are photo-electric.

 

As though these convulusions are not enough, reality panned out some other stuff. The only certain universal permanancy, is Einstein’s constant light-speed and Heisenberg’s indeterminacy.

 

Einstein’s fort was special & general relativity, while his Nobel Prize was for photo-electricity. Uncle Albert having firstly proven to be right - ahead of Brownian motion and the speed of light. This century old issue of size is how Einstein won the Nobel Prize - how the peace loving master-blaster stayed alive, in the timely year of 1905.

 

Anaxgoras of pre biblical days took big and little to greater heights and stays, he said "There’s always something larger than large, and always something smaller than small." Perhaps the smallest-large statement of all.

 

May this admonition of illusion be this brief sonnet’s conclusion.

 

The 20th century path has been rough - to the point of surrendering enough of this stuff.

 

- K. B. Robertson, Copyright 1979 & 2009 All rights reserved. This poetry or its links may be used for non commercial educational and recreational purposes, providing that proper accreditation is extended to the author.

Though this ballad may be spiritual or mental, any semblance to education is purely coincidental.

 

Readers are invited to this paragon of camp, may the poetic winner be rewarded with writer's cramp?

 

 

Whoever may think that here is no thought, please feel free to continue and give yer best shot.

 

For those who would approach science by an alternative path, you may consider Einstein's Relativity without any math:

 

http://www.toequest.com/forum/toetheory-articles/2516-total-field-theory-reinstatement-cosmological-constant-steady-state-theories.html

[jefflily]

"How much can you curl Johnny?"

"I can curl 205 for 5! How bout you Bubba? "

"Well I'm stronger than you cause I curled 205 and a retard"

"How'd you curl a retard?"

"Easy, he just held on!"

"Dam Bubba I bet that make you swole!"