The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Sriman Dutta]

Momma is so heavy that the amorphous graphite turns to crystalline diamond! I wonder what her weight might be!

[koti]

Evolution.

 

Edited April 4, 2017 by koti

[Fabricio]

Two oranges are crossing the road, a car run over one of the oranges. The one one says: "let's go juice"

[BusaDave9]

[EdEarl]

I've seen smarter cabinets in a furniture store.

[Lord Antares]

Two chemists walk into a bar,

 

The first one says ''I'll have H2o.''

The second one says ''I'll have H2o too.''

 

The second chemist dies.

[koti]

Two chemists walk into a bar,

 

The first one says ''I'll have H2o.''

The second one says ''I'll have H2o too.''

 

The second chemist dies.

 

In some bars in eastern Europe you can get far more toxic drinks than H2o2

[imatfaal]

 

In some bars in eastern Europe you can get far more toxic drinks than H2o2

 

 

Frankly, the last Polish bar I went into that would have been the safe option for the designated driver

[koti]

 

 

Frankly, the last Polish bar I went into that would have been the safe option for the designated driver

Where was that?

[imatfaal]

Holborn area of London; not sure I could find it again nor that I would want to! I went there with some Brits who had been working in Warsaw and their Polish friends now working in London.

 

I know a few people in London who fear that one of the most tragic consequences of Brexit will be the loss of the Polish Bars - they then panic and say "what I mean is the vibrant multiculturalism, ethnic diversity, and richness brought to our nation by all our fellow EU members living and working here" but what they are thinking is the Polish Bars, the new array of delicatessens and food shops with brand new tastes, and a much better selection of beers in all the off-licences.

 

Writing that very tongue in cheek paragraph above has made me realise how true it is. Not the bit about it being the worse part of Brexit - but the fact that London will be really boring, nasty, and diminished if those isolationist scum get their way. It might just be enough to get me moving from the city I love and have lived in or around most of my life.

 

Sorry the Official Jokes Section has taken a turn for the maudlin

[Sriman Dutta]

it's true !!

[Itoero]

We are pretty lucky Jesus was nailed to a cross.

If they 'killed' him by drowning, people would hang a little aquarium instead of a cross.

[Itoero]

How do you call Clint Eastwood when he's disorientated?

 

Clint Westwood.

[Moontanman]

[Manticore]

I guess old jokes about Ronald Reagan will resurface soon.

 

Like when the Presidential library went into fire. The President was in deep consternation. The library contained 4 books. And he had colorized only one.

Remember when Reagan was shot - right through the middle of the head - missed his brain by a good yard.

[Moontanman]

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5QWj_uRBD3s/WRShh7H_qbI/AAAAAAAComM/t_1Qx0u58ccyqcUOoWqPaSiLjE9ivjEvwCJoC/w759-h437-p-rw/17%2B-%2B1

[michel123456]

https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-5QWj_uRBD3s/WRShh7H_qbI/AAAAAAAComM/t_1Qx0u58ccyqcUOoWqPaSiLjE9ivjEvwCJoC/w759-h437-p-rw/17%2B-%2B1

What is this link?

[Moontanman]

What is this link?

 

 

It's a meme...

[Nature Geek]

A goose walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

 

The bartender brings his beer over and says "hey, you know they have a vodka named after you?"

 

The goose goes "They have a vodka named Roger?"

[Silvestru]

Two chemists walk into a bar,

 

The first one says ''I'll have H2o.''

The second one says ''I'll have H2o too.''

 

The second chemist dies.

 

I was also making chemistry jokes but there was no reaction

[John Cuthber]

 

I was also making chemistry jokes but there was no reaction

All the good chemistry jokes argon.

[Silvestru]

We would like to apologize for not adding more jokes but we only update them.... periodically

[Moontanman]

[Itoero]

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?

[Handy andy]

The Sick Note (to be read slowly with an Irish accent)

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight

 

And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight;

My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey

And I write this note to say why Paddy’s not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear.

Now to throw them down from such a height twas not a good idea.

The foreman was not very pleased, he being an awkward sod.

He said I’d have to cart them down the ladders in me hod.

Now, clearing all those bricks by hand it was so very slow,

So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below.

But in me haste to do the job I was too blind to see

That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

So when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead

And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead.

Well I shot up like a rocket ‘til to my dismay I found

That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down!

Well, the barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped

And when I reached the top I hit the pulley with me head.

Well I clung on tight, though numb with shock, from this almighty blow

And the barrel spilled out half the bricks – fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor

I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more,

Still clinging tightly to the rope I sped towards the ground –

And landed on the broken bricks that were all scattered round.

Well I lay there groaning on the floor – I thought I’d passed the worst

When the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst.

Well a shower of bricks rained down on me – I hadn’t got a hope;

As I lay there moaning n the floor – I let go the bloody rope.

the barrel them being heavier it started down once more

and landed right across me as I lay upon the floor.

Well it broken three ribs and my left arm and I can only say

That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today.

Edited June 16, 2017 by Handy andy