The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Rakdos]

There are two people flying in a private plane. One is a very important scientist. He was considered the most intelligent person on Earth. The other was his servant.

As they were flying , the Captain announces that the plane is going to crash because of engine failure. The captain enters the cabin. "There are only two parachutes. One of us will have to stay in the plane" he says as he points towards them. The scientist quickly gets up and grabs the parachute. He says "I am very important. The world needs me" as he jumps off the plane. The pilot stares at the servant. "Now which one of us will stay on the plane?", he asks. "Don't worry," the servant replies "He took my backpack!"

[aommaster]

I already have that on my website Its the one that cracks my mother up!

[Phi for All]

Hello, and welcome to Dane County Mental Health Hospital.

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696

 

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.

 

If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

 

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

 

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[-Demosthenes-]

hey this was my favorite thread ever

[Phi for All]

hey this was[/u'] my favorite thread ever

Do you mean favorite joke? If you meant thread, why the past tense? This thread has to continue until it's longer than the "Guns" thread!

 

You owe us a joke for that comment, you know!

 

A man finds a genie in a bottle. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

[ydoaPs]

Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.

[bloodhound]

charlie was a chemist, but charlie is no more. what charlie thought was cat was a train.

[Rakdos]

Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.

Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.

Trees hit cars only in self-defence.

 

Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!

 

Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!

 

Trig..a..name...o...tree!!!

 

Truck Pulls: for people who cannot understand the WWF

 

Trust me -- I'm a Lawyer.

 

Truth is just another misconception.

 

Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.

 

Try to get back on topic, he said moderately.

 

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo

 

Try? Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

 

Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!

 

Turn right here. No! NO! The OTHER right!

 

Turning floppies into hard drives.

 

Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.

 

Two heads are more numerous than one.

 

Two most common elements: hydrogen, stupidity.

 

Tyre Shop sign - We Skid You Not.

 

To boldly go and watch Star Trek re-runs.

To do nothing is also a good remedy.

 

To eat is human, to digest, divine.

 

To err is human, to eat Jello, is messy.

 

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

 

To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer.

 

To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.

 

To err is human. To moo bovine

 

To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.

 

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.

 

To live in the hearts we leave behind, is not to die.

 

To live well, know the difference between good and evil.

 

To me personally, it's nothing personal to me.

To shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?

[ed84c]

These are genuine questions and answers which were collated from last year's British GCSE exams (16 year olds).

 

Geography

 

 

1. Name the four seasons.

 

A. Salt, perrper, mustard and vinegar.

 

2. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

 

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large ollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

 

3. How is dew formed?

 

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

 

4. What is a planet?

 

 

A. A body of earth surrounded by sky.

 

5. What causes the tides in the oceans?

 

A. The tides area fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

 

Sociology

 

 

6. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

 

If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

 

7. In a democratic society, how important are elections?

 

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

 

8. What are steroids?

 

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

 

Biology

 

 

9. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

 

A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

 

10. What is the Fibula?

 

A. A small lie.

 

11. What does 'varicose' mean?

 

A. Nearby.

 

12. What is the most common form of birth control?

 

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

 

13. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'.

 

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

 

14. What is a seizure?

 

A. A Roman emperor.

 

15. What is a terminal illness?

 

A. When you are sick at the airport

 

16. What happens to your body as you age?

 

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

 

17. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

 

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

 

18. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

 

A. Premature death.

 

19. What is artifical insemination?

 

A. When a farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

 

20. How can you delay milk turning sour?

 

A. Keep it in the cow. (He got an A!)

 

21. How are the main parts of the body categorised? (eg abdomen)

 

A. The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brains, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

 

English

 

 

22. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

 

A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (do dishes)

 

23. What does the word 'benign' mean?

 

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

Technology

 

 

24. What is a turbine?

 

A. Something that an Arab wears on his head.

[aommaster]

If these are real answer, then, I would REALLY be amazed how students could survive these exams!

[Sayonara]

None of those are GCSE questions.

 

This is one of those bollocks emails that goes around forever with the country name changing every time, etc etc. If you google for exact terms you will find dozens (if not hundreds) of sites with this on their crappy "humor pages".

[aommaster]

yeah, I think the writer seemed to have changed it. I think they are only questions from end of term tests or something. GCSE questions would rarely ask questions of those sort, ESPECIALLY the English one! It always asks for an essay on something!

[ed84c]

my apologies

[Phi for All]

A man sitting on a park bench notices two men dressed in county worker overalls digging with shovels. One of them digs a hole two feet deep, then moves about twenty feet away and starts digging another hole. The second one follows behind the first, filling up the hole after a few minutes have passed. The man on the bench finally says, "Why are you wasting taxpayer money by digging holes and filling them in?"

One of the workers looks over at him and explains, "The guy who puts the trees in is off sick today."

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

*sigh* Government buerocracy...

[Phi for All]

A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town in Florida spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it: KISS-a-me, ki-SIM-ee, or kiss-a-ME.

 

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a fast-food place to get something to eat. The man said to the girl behind the counter, "Excuse me, my wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?"

 

The girl looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnnggg."

[Phi for All]

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"

 

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone."

 

The Yugo guy said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in my Yugo!"

 

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

 

The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in my Yugo!"

 

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. The Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

 

The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in my Yugo!"

 

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce.

 

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb! It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Rolls went out searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night, parked, with all the windows fogged up. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his head out.

 

"I now have a bed in my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

 

The Yugo guy looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"

[5614]

i think that is the most popular thread on this whole site, with 11 pages and over 2,000 views, is there any which even cum close to that:-

 

thanks yt2095, i think he started it

[Phi for All]

i think that is the most popular thread on this whole site, with 11 pages and over 2,000 views, is there any which even cum close to that:-

Politics-Guns: 483 Replies, 4491 Views. We've gotta beat that! Do your part, tell us a joke!

 

thanks yt2095, i think he started it

Second that!

[-Demosthenes-]

Do you mean favorite joke? If you meant thread' date=' why the past tense? This thread has to continue until it's longer than the "Guns" thread!

 

You owe us a joke for that comment, you know!

 

A man finds a genie in a bottle. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."[/quote']

No one posted anything for a while, it was all the way on the second page. My post was to bump the thread up more then anything else. This is my favorite thread!

[Rakdos]

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

[Phi for All]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

 

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott," said the man

 

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

 

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 25-year-old stewardess who waited on us hand and foot.

 

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

 

"Actually," said the man, "we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

 

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

[Rakdos]

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

 

 

 

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

 

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

 

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!" Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[Phi for All]

A man goes to a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is lathering him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

 

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

 

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever had. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "What if I swallow it?"

 

"Happens all the time," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[Phi for All]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. The devil tells him, "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

 

The lawyer thought for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"