If you're going to love someone/anyone, love your family...

[Elite Engineer]

So, yesterday, my father's estranged father passed away. When I say "estranged" I mean the absolute textbook version. My father's father (I refuse to say grandfather) was a womanizer, an alcoholic, abusive, and left my father and my grandmother when he was 14 or 15. Now at the age of 60, my father gets news of his father in the ICU, with kidney failure, and a slew of other things. He died later that day.

 

I'm left here seeing how terrible, and sad it is, for this man to have abandoned his family, missing out on years of memories, never seeing his grandchildren or great grandchildren. He died alone, sick and without an ounce of care from anyone, except maybe the nursing staff who had to move his body when he died. No funeral service, just a Christian burial..that's it.

 

A about a year ago, my fiancee's Uncle died from brain cancer, and the scene was the complete opposite. A room filled with 3 generations of those who loved and cared for him. He died with those closest to him, and his memory will be forever remembered.

 

In the very least, what I've learned is to love your family, cause on your deathbed, they'll be there for you, unless you leave them behind.

 

~EE

[Phi for All]

I so agree with you here. I try to make sure the people who have to put up with me in person, friends and family, get some extra attention as often as possible. Even if it's just a kind word or a cup of tea, these are the people who love you best, and they deserve to be treated by you accordingly.

[Sirona]

Perhaps you can generalise and say this is true in most cases, however, it's not always that simple. Over the years I've questioned whether 'blood is thicker than water'. We have the tendency to try to salvage family relationships and make excuses for unacceptable behaviours when it comes to kinship when we otherwise wouldn't. However, I believe sometimes people can be bad for you and this doesn't exclude family. If someone is emotionally or physically abusive and repetitively causes harm to you and makes you question your self-worth then perhaps it is better to remove them from your life. Although estrangement has been associated with anxiety and depression, you cannot begin to build your self-esteem, confidence and self-worth back up until you've removed the cause. I obviously would recommend trying to salvage the relationship first and reconcile, or even limit the amount of contact. It will obviously be different for each case, but it might come to a point when you really need to ask yourself if this relationship is worth continuing.

 

Friends can be strong support networks too if you let them in and are open and transparent like you would be with family. I believe strong relationships and connections are extremely important, but I wouldn't necessarily say that family ties and stronger than friendship; I don't believe you can quantify it because it depends on who your family is and how much effort you put into developing and maintaining strong friendships.

[Elite Engineer]

Over the years I've questioned whether 'blood is thicker than water'. We have the tendency to try to salvage family relationships and make excuses for unacceptable behaviours when it comes to kinship when we otherwise wouldn't. However, I believe sometimes people can be bad for you and this doesn't exclude family. If someone is emotionally or physically abusive and repetitively causes harm to you and makes you question your self-worth then perhaps it is better to remove them from your life.

 

Unfortunately, this is rampant in my fiancee's family. Particularly her scum brother, but I could go on about that. I see why people would make "excuses" because it's family, but like you said, there need to be acceptable limits.

 

[Sirona]

Absolutely. When people make constant allowances and forgive unacceptable behaviour continuously for family members then often they grow accustomed to this and don't try to a change their behaviour because they know that their family will make exceptions. I don't think any sort of relationship warrants an excuse for abuse and shouldn't come at the compromise of your well being and health.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your fiancées brother, I can't imagine it's easy for you either.

Edited April 11, 2016 by Sirona

[Sensei]

We are all family. Close family of humans.

And family of living organisms on the planet Earth.

I was walking street this week, after rain, noticed some snails going in pretty wrong direction, straight to the road.

I took my "cousins", as always in such case, put them in safe place, far from fast moving cars, to save their life..

Edited April 14, 2016 by Sensei

[Sirona]

We are all family. Close family of humans.

And family of living organisms on the planet Earth.

I was walking street this week, after rain, noticed some snails going in pretty wrong direction, straight to the road.

I took my "cousins", as always in such case, put them in safe place, far from fast moving cars, to save their life..

That's beautiful, Sensei. We're all related, the question is just how distantly.

[John Cuthber]

I'm amused by the idea that you choose whom you love.

[StringJunky]

I'm amused by the idea that you choose whom you love.

Care to elaborate?

[John Cuthber]

Imagine that I offered you a lot of money to love Donald Trump, would you be able to decide to do so?

Similarly, most people would still love their mothers- even if someone asked them not to.

You don't get to choose who you love.

[StringJunky]

Imagine that I offered you a lot of money to love Donald Trump, would you be able to decide to do so?

Similarly, most people would still love their mothers- even if someone asked them not to.

You don't get to choose who you love.

Yes that's true. Money can't buy love. You could, perhaps, given enough time, learn to love someone by sustained conscious effort and increasing familiarity, when you might not otherwise do so naturally. Learn to love the unlovable, so to speak.

[iNow]

A bit like Stockholm Syndrome.

[StringJunky]

A bit like Stockholm Syndrome.

Yes, that's one scenario. I think of it as self-conditioning through repetition.

[Sirona]

Imagine that I offered you a lot of money to love Donald Trump, would you be able to decide to do so?

Similarly, most people would still love their mothers- even if someone asked them not to.

You don't get to choose who you love.

You can love someone that's not good for you, including your mother. I don't believe love means making countless excuses for people who are abusive, neglectful or have severe addictions which impact your quality of life and emotional state significantly. You may choose to limit the contact for your own well being; this doesn't mean you've stopped loving them. The OP was talking about family members who become estranged from their families, I don't believe this happens due to lack of love.

[John Cuthber]

A bit like Stockholm Syndrome.

How romantic.

 

And hardly a "choice"- it's possibly an outcome, but that's not the same thing.

Edited April 17, 2016 by John Cuthber

[iNow]

This highlights IMO the importance of recognizing different types of love. One cannot choose to romantically love someone, though can perhaps rationalize or delude themselves into believing they do. With familial love, however, the kinship bond is strong and the love will tend to be resilient even in the face of disgust. That said, I tend to agree that even this reinforces John's point that choice plays no role.