Elements of an Effective Apology

[DrmDoc]

According to Professor Emeritus, Roy Lewicki, there are 6 elements and we should endeavor to incorporate as many of those elements as possible in our apologies. His findings are based on an Ohio State study involving 755 participants and Prof. Lewicki suggests that "Apologies really do work". I find that the smarter a person believes him or herself to be, the less likely he or she is willing to offer an apology. Apologizing for a wrong or an error is, in my view, a measure of character rather than a barometer of intelligence. In forums like this and others, where personal esteem or "Likes" are coveted, I have met few of such character. If you consider yourself a person of good character, I hope this article as interesting to you as it was to me.

[StringJunky]

According to Professor Emeritus, Roy Lewicki, there are 6 elements and we should endeavor to incorporate as many of those elements as possible in our apologies. His findings are based on an Ohio State study involving 755 participants and Prof. Lewicki suggests that "Apologies really do work". I find that the smarter a person believes him or herself to be, the less likely he or she is willing to offer an apology. Apologizing for a wrong or an error is, in my view, a measure of character rather than a barometer of intelligence. In forums like this and others, where personal esteem or "Likes" are coveted, I have met few of such character. If you consider yourself a person of good character, I hope this article as interesting to you as it was to me.

With this forum in particular, I find the capacity of many long term members here for admitting their errors is very good, on the whole. It is one of the reasons I like this place. My personal experience is that ignorance and less cognitive ability correlates with a trend towards less humility. I think the researchers need to personally mix with both types in a social capacity to actually see the difference.

Edited April 18, 2016 by StringJunky

[Phi for All]

I find that the smarter a person believes him or herself to be, the less likely he or she is willing to offer an apology.

 

You're wrong about this, and I hope you're sorry as well. I've always found smart people can usually accept being corrected when it's appropriate, and valid, and obviously improves on their own information. I don't know how smart I am, but I've grown capable of acknowledging when someone can improve my own knowledge.

 

Unless you're talking about people who only think they're smart. Folks like that can't ever be wrong.

[iNow]

There are also many different types if intelligence. In short, smart how?

[DrmDoc]

 

Unless you're talking about people who only think they're smart. Folks like that can't ever be wrong.

 

Precisely! These are folks who think their candle shines brightest in the room and make assumption without asking a question--as if not to give away how little they really know. I think smart people are educated by their errors and, if it wasn't clear, I've encountered some very smart people here. However, ironically, I've learned more through exchanges with those who aren't as smart as they think. Those exchanges seem to compel me to think about my arguments in ways I sometimes haven't considered. It's not that I'm compelled by something they've said but by how to convey my thoughts or perspective more effectively given the likely data they've accessed to shape their arguments.

[Sirona]

In some scenarios it may be difficult to establish who is in the wrong, if anyone at all, especially on subjective matters. Personal feelings, tastes and opinions vary and some can be more emotional and sensitive than others, especially on controversial issues. It's difficult to maintain your position when you feel strongly about something but a relationship is at risk.

 

I would accept just a promise of repair for lack of competence, however, being a very sensitive person would want a more elaborate apology when integrity is involved, particularly when it comes to an explanation and expression of regret. I think a detailed explanation is important because it gives you the opportunity to explore intent and establish whether the expression of regret is genuine and rule out possible misunderstanding or misinterpretation.

[StringJunky]

I think, ultimately, it requires empathy, an innate sense based on past familiarity with that person, whether they are genuine or not... I ask myself: How many times has my bullshit meter gone off with this person? If hardly ever, then I find it much easier to forgive. An effective apology requires that the recipient senses sincerity and contrition, commensurate with the nature, or degree, of the perceived offence.

 

I think it is important not to turn the offender's feelings of humility into those of humiliation. The only result can be that they may feel disinclined to express such humility to others that they may offend in their future... it sets a bad precedent for them. Again, I find it is the less cognitively able and empathetic that tend to lack this insight , relying, instead, on their emotional response alone to be judge and jury. I might also add that it is also age and maturity that is a factor; I do expect very young people to lack this, regardless of mental abilities..

In some scenarios it may be difficult to establish who is in the wrong, if anyone at all, especially on subjective matters. Personal feelings, tastes and opinions vary and some can be more emotional and sensitive than others, especially on controversial issues. It's difficult to maintain your position when you feel strongly about something but a relationship is at risk.

I would accept just a promise of repair for lack of competence, however, being a very sensitive person would want a more elaborate apology when integrity is involved, particularly when it comes to an explanation and expression of regret. I think a detailed explanation is important because it gives you the opportunity to explore intent and establish whether the expression of regret is genuine and rule out possible misunderstanding or misinterpretation.

Edited April 19, 2016 by StringJunky

[DrmDoc]

I think, ultimately, it requires empathy, an innate sense based on past familiarity with that person, whether they are genuine or not... I ask myself: How many times has my bullshit meter gone off with this person? If hardly ever, then I find it much easier to forgive. An effective apology requires that the recipient senses sincerity and contrition, commensurate with the nature, or degree, of the perceived offence.

 

I think it is important not to turn the offender's feelings of humility into those of humiliation. The only result can be that they may feel disinclined to express such humility to others that they may offend in their future... it sets a bad precedent for them. Again, I find it is the less cognitively able and empathetic that tend to lack this insight , relying, instead, on their emotional response alone to be judge and jury. I might also add that it is also age and maturity that is a factor; I do expect very young people to lack this, regardless of mental abilities..

I think humility is an increasingly rare commodity among smart and not so smart people alike. Apologizing, which I've done many times over my long years, can be just as humiliating without a taunting recipient. However, when in fear of taunts versus a loss of integrity, delivering an apology is an easy choice for me.

Edited April 19, 2016 by DrmDoc

[StringJunky]

I think humility is an increasingly rare commodity among smart and not so smart people alike. Apologizing, which I've done many times over my long years, can be just as humiliating without a taunting recipient. However, when in fear of taunts versus a loss of integrity, delivering an apology is an easy choice for me.

I agree entirely...humble pie I've eaten many times. . At least you know you've done the correct thing, regardless of how it is responded to... one's sense of honour to oneself and to the recipient remains intact even if it has become dischordant. At the very least, by doing so, one hopes they will bear no grudges in the long term, when the dust has settled.

Edited April 19, 2016 by StringJunky