Scientific reasons for me not having a girlfriend?

[Delta1212]

If you truly are suffering from untreated depression, perhaps you should seek treatment for depression as a first step?

[Tampitump]

If you truly are suffering from untreated depression, perhaps you should seek treatment for depression as a first step?

I'm dubious of psychiatrists. I'm not sure how someone would meet you for an hour, then diagnose you with a mental illness. But again, what do I know?

 

I saw the girl again tonight. She acted kind of "flirty" I guess, picking on me and joking in friendly ways. We were talking while she was stocking some shelves and her boss called her name. When she was running off to fill her boss' command she turned to me and said "see, you got me in trouble" in a joking way. I'm not sure what to make of her behavior around me. I'm not sure if she is just a nice person and is trying to be kind to me, or if she really likes me. I find her very attractive. She may not be everyone's idea of pretty, but I think most guys would find her quite attractive. She's got a very good personality that I think I could gel with very well. She's a red head, which I think is attractive. I'm happy to at least be making friends with her and being able to speak to her. I have to admit that my ability to speak to women has gotten much better in the last year. I wish I could go in public slightly drunk. I loosen up when slightly tipsy and can pretty much talk to anyone without my nerves being on a razor's edge.

[iNow]

There are always reasons to avoid help. Most aren't as good as the reasons to seek it.

 

Psychiatrists prescribe medications. Psychologists look for and attempt to treat root causes. Know the difference. Understand they could assist...if you let them.

 

Glad you had another good interaction. Those are always welcome, and sometimes not frequent enough.

 

Focus on making friends first. Just interact with others with no end game in mind other than getting better at doing it.

 

If possible, always calm your mind in the face of the hormone flush. Remain centered even when the surge flows through you. (Pay attention to your heart rate and your breathing...acknowledge when they're spiking and try to relax).

 

Seriously... It was just another day. Not terribly different from any other day. It was just you being you. Not focused on some prize. Not thinking of what might come next. Nothing to gain. Nothing to lose. Just enjoying the present.

 

That's what it's all about.

[Tampitump]

I'm not as bad looking as I let on, I admit it. I'm just mentally depressed. That's the honest truth. I've been on the brink of suicide multiple times in my life. Depression, I'm convinced, is one of the true poisons of mankind. It can really make you feel like there is absolutely no hope, and no value in your life whatsoever. I've always had it. I think there is may be a correlation between depression and intelligence. I seem to be the type who just can't let things be. I have to keep studying something to the point where I could lecture a scientific conference on the topic. I think that also feeds my depression because my mind does not process inconvenient truths very well. Don't get me wrong, I prefer the truth of reality versus a comforting lie, but my mind seems to react by having depression. I also think most of my depression stems from my experiences with other people and the rejection I've experienced throughout my life.

[iNow]

That was brave of you. I'm impressed. Thank you for sharing. Not easy to do, but a big step forward.

 

http://www.gurus.org/dougdeb/Courses/Happy/Art/fulltext.html

[koti]

I'm not as bad looking as I let on, I admit it. I'm just mentally depressed. That's the honest truth. I've been on the brink of suicide multiple times in my life. Depression, I'm convinced, is one of the true poisons of mankind. It can really make you feel like there is absolutely no hope, and no value in your life whatsoever. I've always had it. I think there is may be a correlation between depression and intelligence. I seem to be the type who just can't let things be. I have to keep studying something to the point where I could lecture a scientific conference on the topic. I think that also feeds my depression because my mind does not process inconvenient truths very well. Don't get me wrong, I prefer the truth of reality versus a comforting lie, but my mind seems to react by having depression. I also think most of my depression stems from my experiences with other people and the rejection I've experienced throughout my life.

 

Tampitump, first off let me tell you that I am 42 years old, I'm divorced with 2 kids, I have a third kid with a new woman now, have had multiple girlfriends in my life, have had casual sex doesens of times and...I lost my virginity when I was 24.

Secondly, you are looking for scientific reasons for your problem - you won't find them, because the reasons for the bad place you are in are purely emotional and cannot be answered by scientific reasoning.

Thirdly, you are far from being alone in this. Believe me, there are more people with exactly the same issues than you imagine. In my opinion it is important to interact live with people even if the idea is not comforting to you. This is the fight you have to put up - talk to people (the right people ofcourse, the ones who will not hurt you) about your issues, be sincere which in effect will make the person you talk to open up - draw comfort from these interactions.

Lastly...the issues you are facing are within you and only within you - keep telling that youreself. Getting to know sides to yourself which you haven't explored yet always works well. Facing your fears and insecurities and being comfortable with youreself is the key to well being and these are the qualities that every woman is looking for in a man.

I would suggest one tangible action for you to take - buy a gym membership.

Edited August 26, 2016 by koti

[Tampitump]

 

Tampitump, first off let me tell you that I am 42 years old, I'm divorced with 2 kids, I have a third kid with a new woman now, have had multiple girlfriends in my life, have had casual sex doesens of times and...I lost my virginity when I was 24.

So my case bears out yet again.

Thirdly, you are far from being alone in this.

Bullshit

I would suggest one tangible action for you to take - buy a gym membership.

as I stated earlier in this thread, I CANNOT work out. My respritory issues from PE and other complications make it impossible. Additionally my extreme back curvature, and overall awkward body shape make it impossible for me to show off my body in public. It is humiliating and crushing to my self-esteem. I avoid public pools (and public places in general) wherein I have to take off my shirt, or where people are looking at other's bodies. Going to the gym is the number one WORST thing I could ever possibly do. If you want to put me on the fast track to ABSOLUTELY being GUARANTEED to never have a gf, and offending girls in the process, then the gym is the PERFECT suggestion. Girls who look for guys at the gym are looking for the sexy, masculine, male body, like my two former roommates I mentioned. They want to see abs and pecks and sexy, strong-looking men. I am the ANTITHESIS of that. I'm just too hard to look at and nobody wants to see that at the gym. I don't blame them either. The gym is a good meet up place for desirables. It's not a place for undesirables like me. I would only do it a disservice by being there. Girls are not looking for a shrimpy, puny, ugly, sad, deformed piece of shit like me. That is, if they're goal is not to die of laughter and pity. There is nothing working out would do for me but make me look more awkward and laughable. I'm stuck with my deformed body from PE and severe scoliosis, complete with an ugly face, receding, flaky hair, and terrible skin. I'm ugly. I'm a freak. And the gym would just be waste of my time and I wouldn't be fooling a god damn soul.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Tampitump

[iNow]

Bullshit

Perhaps your circumstance is less common, but it's hardly isolated.

[Tampitump]

I'm not advocating eugenics or anything, but I happen to think that people like me, in fact, shouldn't breed or have sexual partners. I feel that it is only a detriment to our species to have bad genetics remaining in the gene pool, and I feel that there are good reasons for the ostracism people like myself face in this sphere. On one hand, I think it unfortunate that I happen to be one of these people, but on the other hand, I agree with their attitudes towards me. It makes perfect evolutionary sense, and I agree with them for doing so. This position is independent from the psychological effect it has on my life. I largely think that women should continue to reject and be revolted by me. I think even if I had the chance to have a gf, I would reject it on these grounds. I also wouldn't want a nice, beautiful, intelligent girl to be with me. There are so many other worthy partners she could have that it would be the ultimate injustice and disservice to her having me as her partner. I also have standards of my own, so I don't think I would like the type of girl who would like me. Of course that girl is totally hypothetical, and I don't believe such a person exists. I have yet to be presented with evidence of this person's existence.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Tampitump

[StringJunky]

.... I also have standards of my own, so I don't think I would like the type of girl who would like me. Of course that girl is totally hypothetical, and I don't believe such a person exists. I have yet to be presented with evidence of this person's existence.

Instead of having a template in your mind of what you would like a potential girlfriend to be like and then going around looking for such a person, I think you would have much more success having an open mind, getting around meeting all types and just let things happen; you don't know the whole gamut of what people can be like. I had an experience of knowing someone who,on reflection, was quite the antithesis of what I thought I liked and yet I got quite attached. In the end, it turned out we were rather like matches and petrol but the experience opened my mind in a positive way and taught me not to be so closed-minded about what I thought I liked in a person and what they should look like. I have only one thing to say about physical beauty from past experience; it soon wears and all you are left with is what you see in your mind's eye about the person; the mental bit. Assess the person first, not their body.

Edited August 29, 2016 by StringJunky

[Tampitump]

Assess the person first, not their body.

I think that's the disconnect you guys have here and just don't seem to grasp. I'm not a normal person. I'm not in the position to be having any normal relationship experiences or to be "assessing" anyone. I'm a different kind of case altogether. The only thing that is missing from me is mental retardation and I would be a candidate for hospital/institution life. Girls don't want guys who look like they should be living in institutions and cared for my doctors and nurses. That's what girls see when they see me, not a normal person that is relevant, or who is within the realm of possible dates/partners. They see me as a proverbial poor, unfortunate person who got the wrong end of the genetic stick.

 

What can I do to communicate this message more effectively to you guys where you will acknowledge it and stop treating me like a normal guy who can be helped with normal advice? I've tried to do it ad nauseam, but you guys completely ignore the info I'm giving you, and continue to give me the type of answers/advice that would only work and be relevant to normal men.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Tampitump

[StringJunky]

I think that's the disconnect you guys have here and just don't seem to grasp. I'm not a normal person. I'm not in the position to be having any normal relationship experiences or to be "assessing" anyone. I'm a different kind of case altogether. The only thing that is missing from me is mental retardation and I would be a candidate for hospital/institution life. Girls don't want guys who look like they should be living in institutions and cared for my doctors and nurses. That's what girls see when they see me, not a normal person that is relevant, or who is within the realm of possible dates/partners. They see me as a proverbial poor, unfortunate person who got the wrong end of the genetic stick.

 

What can I do to communicate this message more effectively to you guys where you will acknowledge it and stop treating me like a normal guy who can be helped with normal advice? I've tried to do it ad nauseam, but you guys completely ignore the info I'm giving you, and continue to give me the type of answers/advice that would only work and be relevant to normal men.

If I felt the way you do and felt ugly - which I have done as a young person - my mind would not be closed to another who was also 'ugly'. Like I said, looks wear off with time. Companionship should not be dismissed and it is the principle ingredient of a long-lasting relationship; beautiful or not.

[Tampitump]

If I felt the way you do and felt ugly - which I have done as a young person - my mind would not be closed to another who was also 'ugly'. Like I said, looks wear off with time. Companionship should not be dismissed and it is the principle ingredient of a long-lasting relationship; beautiful or not.

I don't care to be "beautiful", just normal. I listen to guys I know talk amongst themselves all the times. Their comversations are always about the girls they are currently talking to or seeing, and about past ones, etc. Their phones are always blowimg up with texts from girls, etc. I would bet my life and every single thing I own that if I tried to initiate that kind of thing with a girl, I'd get a cold hand in my face. Girls simply DO NOT have anything to do with me. That's it. Story's end. I really wish this message could get through your guys' heads. You keep talking to me and giving advice the way you would a normal guy. You've got to deprogram what you know about normal people and normal issues when you talk to me. I'm infinitely below the average and this type of advice is not relevant to me.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Tampitump

[StringJunky]

.... I'm infinitelybelow the average and this type of advice is not relevant to me.

So, what can we do for you or was just the act of conversing with us about it cathartic in itself? That's ok if it was.

Edited August 29, 2016 by StringJunky

[Tampitump]

So, what can we do for you or was just the act of conversing with us about it cathartic in itself? That's ok if it was.

There's nothing you can do. It's cathartic. I can't change my physical appearance or genetic makeup. I guess I'm just venting. It sucks knowing that you are inherently lesser of a man and inherently less desirable than most others.

[koti]

So my case bears out yet again.

Bullshit

as I stated earlier in this thread, I CANNOT work out. My respritory issues from PE and other complications make it impossible. Additionally my extreme back curvature, and overall awkward body shape make it impossible for me to show off my body in public. It is humiliating and crushing to my self-esteem. I avoid public pools (and public places in general) wherein I have to take off my shirt, or where people are looking at other's bodies. Going to the gym is the number one WORST thing I could ever possibly do. If you want to put me on the fast track to ABSOLUTELY being GUARANTEED to never have a gf, and offending girls in the process, then the gym is the PERFECT suggestion. Girls who look for guys at the gym are looking for the sexy, masculine, male body, like my two former roommates I mentioned. They want to see abs and pecks and sexy, strong-looking men. I am the ANTITHESIS of that. I'm just too hard to look at and nobody wants to see that at the gym. I don't blame them either. The gym is a good meet up place for desirables. It's not a place for undesirables like me. I would only do it a disservice by being there. Girls are not looking for a shrimpy, puny, ugly, sad, deformed piece of shit like me. That is, if they're goal is not to die of laughter and pity. There is nothing working out would do for me but make me look more awkward and laughable. I'm stuck with my deformed body from PE and severe scoliosis, complete with an ugly face, receding, flaky hair, and terrible skin. I'm ugly. I'm a freak. And the gym would just be waste of my time and I wouldn't be fooling a god damn soul.

I feel you man. You have no idea how much I get what you are saying. You have to understand a few things... firstly, I did not suggest you go to the gym to pickup girls, I suggested you do so to start your mental healing. You have to try to meet me on this and trust me. Getting those endorphins flowing in your brain is the best thing that will ever happen to you. It's better then any drug or any psychotherapy (trust me on this one) You say you can't work out - BS! Go to a sports doctor, let him guide you, do physical activities that will suit your capabilities & needs and don't ever tell me or anyone else again that you can't workout because it's an insult to people far more screwed up physically than you who work their butts off. You will never meet more open hearted, dear people who will never let you down and always help you than at a gym, any gym. I have an amputee at my gym, he's missing both his legs, he's a monster, can do 40 pullups easly and can crush my hand in a handshake - he's awesome! There's a cancer survover who could barely move, the first time he came in was still with some equipment attached to him - he's doing crossfitt with us big boys now. A champion MMA fighter standing next to an amputee and a fit girl - everybody smiling, helping each other out, supporting each other - THAT is why you want to go to the gym.

 

Secondly, listen and concentrate on people who tell you positive things and direct you to positive directions. Don't listen to morons.

 

Thirdly and lastly, please take a good look at this and think about it:

 

 

 

PM me for more personal advice if you feel like it. More personal meaning things that arent necessarily for everyone to read.

 

Edit: You need to know one more thing...At any gym you will find that a lot of people think that Newton invented the phone. You will find that you can count on majority of these people, they will not sell you out, they will support you and most of all they will respect you for who you are. Having knowledge, you will be perceived by them like someone "better"

Edited August 29, 2016 by koti

[thatsneakyguy]

I dunno man I see a lot of inaccurate beliefs in this thread:

• I’m 25 and never had a gf, so my dating life is over.
  
• The gym is where you find people to date.
  
• I’m not attractive, so therefore I’m not a normal person.
  
• There are no girls that would date an unattractive person.
  

Edited August 29, 2016 by thatsneakyguy

[dimreepr]

I don't think he believes what he's written in this thread.

 

I think he's looking for solace and maybe a chance to vent his frustration.

[Tampitump]

I do believe everything I've said. I'd actually rather be an amputee with an otherwise normal body and face than to have the body and face I have now. Like I said before, my looks are horrifying, but its not just my looks, its the whole package. I'm the whole package of ugliness and girl-repellent.

 

You're wrong, the gym is the last place I need to be. That amputee guy you know is likely otherwise normal looking. Its a false equivalency. I, on the other hand, am inherently unattractive and ugly, the gym would only gain me more laughs, more ridicule, and more repudiation from girls. Look, the girls have spoken on this. They have always rejected me.....more than rejected me, they have often gone out of their way let me know how disgusted they are of me.

 

It's one thing to be overweight, or to have health problems, or to have unfortunate accidents and need to use the gym to get in shape or rehabilitate. Its another thing to be inherently deformed like me, extreme back curvature, extreme flaring and deformity of the ribs, recessed chest with virtually no chest muscles, and of course the flaky skin, receding hair, and ugly face. The former is okay to go to the gym. The latter is doing himself and everyone else a disservice.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Tampitump

[dimreepr]

I do believe everything I've said.

 

 

But I/we don't; but feel free to vent in the absence of our belief.

[Tampitump]

I dunno man I see a lot of inaccurate beliefs in this thread:

[*]Im 25 and never had a gf, so my dating life is over.

That's not the case I'm making. I'm saying that I'm ugly and overall extremely unattractive, and that being a 25 year old virgin whose never had a gf is good data and evidence for what girls think of me. But this isn't the only evidence. I have dozens of 1st hand experiences from high school to now that show that all women, regardless of who they are or how nice they are, are repelled by me. For example, I've had them come up to me in public at random and tell me, I've been rejected on every blind date my friends tried set me up on, I've been harrassed by them, my friends would never go with me in public where there were girls, etc. The examples can go on forever. Edited August 29, 2016 by Tampitump

[blue89]

my looks are horrifying, but its not just my looks,

 

You're wrong, the gym is the last place I need to be. That amputee guy you know is likely otherwise normal looking. Its a false equivalency. I, on the other hand, am inherently unattractive and ugly, the gym would only gain me more laughs, more ridicule, and more repudiation from girls. Look, the girls have spoken on this.They have always rejected me.....more than rejected me, they have often gone out of their way let me know how disgusted they are of me.

 

It's one thing to be overweight, or to have health problems, or to have unfortunate accidents and need to use the gym to get in shape or rehabilitate. Its another thing to be inherently deformed like me, extreme back curvature, extreme flaring and deformity of the ribs, recessed chest with virtually no chest muscles, and of course the flaky skin, receding hair, and ugly face. The former is okay to go to the gym. The latter is doing himself and everyone else a disservice.

 

 

don't worry

think as you are the most important one in your life.

I wish happy life for you.

Edited August 29, 2016 by blue89

[iNow]

Self-image is the core issue most 3rd party observers seem to see here. Yes, you have anecdotes supporting the validity of that image, but what people are telling you is that there are also anecdotes refuting it. You just won't even let the possibility of their existence penetrate your psyche.

[Tampitump]

I'm done talking here. It's all flowers and blue skies with you people, and no one could possibly have problems or appearance issues like I'm talking about. You give me the type of lightweight advice you'd give to someome with mild issues who is otherwise normal, refusing to accept what I'm telling you about my monstrous physical appearance and the severity of it. You guys can still chat here if you want, but I'm done.

Edited August 29, 2016 by Tampitump

[koti]

I'm done talking here. It's all flowers and blue skies with you people, and no one could possibly have problems or appearance issues like me. You give me the type of lightweight advice you'd give to someome with mild issues who is otherwise normal, refusing to accept what I'm telling you about my monstrous physical appearance and the severity of it. You guys can still chat here if you want, but I'm done.

 

I'm sory Tampitump but your problems in relation to your personal judgement might seem severe but they are not in relation to what other people experience out there. I know that you are at a stage when you want people to give you their sympathy but the sooner you grow out of this hole the sooner you will start living.