Advice on dealing with my fiancee's family

[Elite Engineer]

I met my fiancee 2008, and we're getting married in October 2017. Each year since the first year I met her, I've become increasing resentful and flat out disgusted with her family. For starters, my fiancee is an artist, and is just beginning to make a business out of her work after 5 years of struggling. Her family pays no attention to her at all, and yet they praise their drop out son whose a drug dealer (for which they already know..hes been arrested twice) and "bought" a portion of a landscaping company, so now he's a "co-owner". They act as though he walks on water. They're racist bigots threatening to disown her older sister for dating a black man, and no offense to anyone who is Italian, but they're by the books Italian misogynist pigs.

 

I honestly want to give them a snarling piece of my mind whenever I go over...which is strictly limited to holidays, and birthdays ONLY. However, alot of people have

suggested that I hold my tongue and dont speak rudely against my future in-laws. She feels the same, but believes she has an obligation to still celebrate holidays with them.

 

What do you suggest I do, because at this point I'm at complete odds...

 

a.) Wait till we're married then tell them to screw off

 

b.) Move away from them, never speak to them and let them soak in their racist, misogynist ways with each other

 

c.) other...

Edited August 15, 2016 by Elite Engineer

[iNow]

Put your future wife first. Remember that no matter how much you despise them, they will always and forever be her family whom she'll love despite their obvious and plentiful flaws. Don't act selfishly and go off on them. All it will do is make her sad and worse make her feel like she must reject her family in order to spend her life and share her love with you.

[Phi for All]

Oooh, definitely c), my man. As iNow says, the woman you want to share your life with needs to be happy, and that usually means juggling that in-law hornet's nest rather than punting it downfield the way you'd like.

 

You're looking at this the wrong way. Why would bigots/racists/pigs want to pay attention to anything cool your awesome fiance does? I would expect people like that to flap their arms and fly first.

 

Also, why would you want her family to pay more attention to her? This seems like one of those "be careful what you ask for" situations. They have no idea what they're missing, and that means you share her less with them.

 

I'm betting, if you analyze the family visits over the years, your fiance spends just enough time with her family to remind her why she prefers to spend time with you. And I'm also betting that one of the things she loves best about you is your ability to keep the peace with her crazy relatives and not blow up at them, despite what you say about them as you're driving home. Or post on science forums.

[Endy0816]

Calmly voice your opinions?

 

"Can you believe Karen is dating a black man?"

"Really? That's great. I've always thought children of mixed parentage look lovely."

 

If it is a nonfactual claim, you can calmly counter it.

 

"No, I don't actually think a giant wall is feasible. Just imagine the additional taxes, besides Canadians are excellent swimmers."

[Sensei]

Really tough issue.

I started in my mind imagining what will happen in the future, when you will have children,

they will go to grandpa and grandma for quite longer than holidays (especially alone, vacations f.e.),

and they will start learning your kids such racist and other "conservative" approach...

[StringJunky]

In this matter, follow your wife's wishes and be polite to her family. Part of this, understandbly, is that you have a vision of how you want things to be when you are married with this perfectly straight road ahead of you both. It's not going to happen. Marriage between families is nearly always a fragile alliance. Accept that you are taking on her past and present. For better or worse... your challenge is to make happiness in an environment of uncertainty and in-laws; this is a common fact of most people's married lives.

Edited August 15, 2016 by StringJunky

[Delta1212]

If you want to be with your fiancée, keep your mouth firmly shut. If she wants them in her life, it's not your place to tell them to screw off on her behalf. The only time it's ever really appropriate to step in and make a decision like that for a loved one is when their health or well-being is at serious risk, not just when they have to deal with assholes. That's a choice they get to make for themselves, and it's your job to be supportive.

 

That said, if she's ok with it, putting a little distance between them and you so that you only do need to see them around holidays may not be a bad idea if your fiancée doesn't feel any particular need to be close to them other than obligatory holiday get togethers.

 

Honestly, I have a pretty fantastic extended family compared with a lot of people, but I still think the fact that my immediate family lived on the opposite coast of the US from almost literally everyone else played a big part in our maintaining very positive relationships with everyone. When you only see someone once or twice a year for a week at a time, the potential for really serious conflict drops significantly.

 

Sensei is also probably right that it's best if they aren't readily available for regular baby-sitting or weekend trips while any kids are growing up.

 

But all of this is something that, again, you need to decide with your fiancée and not for her. Certainly you shouldn't wait until you are married and then expect to dictate how she relates to them or them to her. Definitely something you need to discuss ahead of time.

[Phi for All]

One more thought. People aren't the labels we give them, or they shouldn't be. Just like in a good discussion, we should attack ideas, not people. Your in-laws aren't racists, they've just done and said racist things. The things people do and say can change.

 

Give it more time for you to rub off on them (sorry, non-native English speakers, weird idiom). You're leading by example here by being the people you are, and hopefully your influence will positively affect your children's grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, if you allow them that benefit.

 

What you're considering sounds a lot like punishing your in-laws by banishing you and your wife. I think I heard this analogy first from iNow in another thread, but that's like drinking poison and expecting it to kill someone else.

[iNow]

I only shared a message already put forth by others.

 

 

 

 

[StringJunky]

What you're considering sounds a lot like punishing your in-laws by banishing you and your wife. I think I heard this analogy first from iNow in another thread, but that's like drinking poison and expecting it to kill someone else.

Or, as my grandma use to say: "You're biting your nose to spite your face".

[Elite Engineer]

Everyone thank you so much for wise, and personal responses. I chose to ask this question here because I know some members here are a bit older, and have already dealt with married/in-law problems in their lives. I will humbly take your advice of growing my relationship with my future wife and support her with her decisions dealing with the family. I suppose i failed to see that the future is us, not them. I really needed a clear response to this, as 8 years of keeping quiet has drove me off the brink.

 

 

Thank you all!

 

~EE